Hy8's Leftovers

Your July Ongoing Blog

2009-07-19T06:44:00.000-07:00

Is getting an instant reboot.

I didn't like the way the first one was turning out, and how it was making me look, which was TOTALLY NOT how I wanted. Which is my fault, given the way I presented it.

I'm not a homophobe. Too old for that. Really. But I know it didn't look like that.

See, to me, the circumstances surrounding the revelation (a revelation to me, and to generally everyone else... as I don't think ANYONE goes to the Torch anymore... Meltzer/Alvarez really must have chewed up a major portion of the Torch's and PWInsider's paying audience), and given how I always knew there was something off about the guy, had known for years, was too juicy not to pass up on.

What I was going for was bragging rights, so to speak. To show that years of analysing the guy's weirdness had FINALLY paid off, so to speak.

But, its still a touchy subject, and why do something controversial if all it does is make me look like a gaybasher? Plus, this is not a wrestling column where I am required to bring in a massive, growing audience under any means necessary, this is a blog, my blog, where I don't care who reads or how it grows.

Fuck controversy, I'd just rather have us all kick back and shoot the shit.

Its okay if you all think I'm a dick, but when the mirror tells me the same thing, then I have to think twice.

So I'm starting over before even MORE British wankers call me a "cunt" (what's up with that anyway?) and I really don't want to go back to the old ways. I'll make the jokes, I'll scream and shout and go hardcore dirty on people... but I'm not going to open myself up to "HYATTE'S TRYING TO START A NET FEUD!!!" chatter and accusations. I'm so done with that, so much so that I'm pulling the piece before the regular workweek begins and everyone gets a look at it.

I'm not apologizing for it. But I'm not intersted in spending weeks defending it. Or explaining it. I'd rather just nip it in the bud and move on.

Incidentally, I don't care WHAT anyone says... gay or straight, anyone who compares a heroin addiction with trying to give up coffee is SERIOUSLY fucked up. That I will ALWAYS stand by!!

BUT, during the last 24 hours, someone posted a youtube clip of Scott Keith stomping around some wrestling event. It was fun and so far, most folks were enjoying it. If he could repost it I'll put it up here. So we'll salvage something.

I've never done this before... and its not often I feel bad about doing something evil... but, well... I'd much rather have my "pinnacle" be having Dave Meltzer begrudgingly report that a freshly divorced Trish Stratus is now dating former wrestling writer Chris Hyatte rather than what I almost tried to get away with.

Sorry, but I have a soul that needed a cleansing.

So, instead of "outing" Wade Keller (and his partner DOES look like a skinny meth-head with beady eyes... Jesus, does he ever), I present something a bit more cleaner...

Wanns see why Candice Michelle was finally released? Check out her new CURVES during one of her last house shows:

Oooo, baby

Someone's been hitting McDonalds

Skinny girls are too bony, anyway

She's still hot.

Looks like 90% of the skanks who hit the clubs on Friday nights

Nothing wrong with a little tummy

She's married to a regular guy, and you KNOW he doesn't mind the extra oompha

Sorta hot, you know it is

Can you image how the other divas cracked on her behind her back?

by firing her, the WWE lost a HUGE audience with single black males.

Breathing heavy... her, not me

Well now I feel a bit better... which is the most important thing.

**************************

So here's the agenda for the month of July, so far...

Revisiting this past weekend's activities. I'm not done with this by a longshot.

The all-new CD lineup for my car

And if "DRUM" is reading this, let me know... I need you.

And, if "DRUM" comes through, I plan on giving some British wankers a little reminder about some hard facts of fucking life.

And I live blog where I shoot heroin, then drink 8 cuips of coffee and report on the difference.

And I am thinking about giving up Copenhagen.

And answering comments like these:

236) June 29, 2009 10:13 AM... 090909 said... RE: Will I Am. Guess we'll know when we hear the audio, but sounds like you should OPEN WIDE, sonny.

Yeah, where is the goddam audio anyway?

This is one of those deals where its fun to speculate and I like annoying you people by playing along, but it isn't a sold, done and done deal with me. And if the idea was to have me jump around like an idiot hooting and hollering because my massive ego... well, I hoot a bit, just for kicks, but there will not be any hollering.

Why is it that some of you STILL think you can put one over on me? I've seen every trick in the book, and invented a few of them. The only time I was caught off guard was years ago when some dude pretended to be Tammy Sytch. Ain't happened before and won't happen again.

So WHERE'S THAT FUCKING AUDIO??? And where's that other prick with that internet radio show I did where I pissed all over Eric S? That's been promised a few weeks ago to. Step to it, jagoffs!

237) June 29, 2009 3:19 PM... Anonymous said... Hyatte - i know it doesn't bother you but disregard the haters. And Will has turned me on to you and I think you're a funny man. If you would post a picture, maybe my boytoy would be history. Stay strong while we tear this up.

- F

Aww geeze... this was well-worded so it sounds like it COULD be her...

But I'm pretty sure she would refer to herself as "Fergie Ferg" or something similar, seeing how she does it in every song she's ever sung in.

And asking for a picture was a nice touch...

But really, she JUST GOT MARRIED A FEW MONTHS AGO!! Who gets wrapped in such a bad relationship that they are looking for me online so early into their wedding bliss?

... I mean... jeeze... that's a lame marriage then.

238) June 29, 2009 4:49 PM... Anonymous said... Whoa. Have read some lame shit here, but the above hits a new fuckin low. Sorry "-F"

And yet you keep crawling back like the bitch dog you are. Ruff.. ruff you stray mutt.

240) June 29, 2009 5:25 PM... Anonymous said... The funny thing is that douchebag Hyatte will believe it's Fergie.

Well, I might have, there was a slimmer of a chance, but YOU couldn't keep it in your pants and could only wait two hours, not enough time for me to respond, before you HAD TO WEIGH IN WITH THE AWESOME INSIGHT and say, "Oh, I bet he'll fall for this bullshit!! LOL!!" Nice going, fuckface. Way to let the joke play out.

241) June 29, 2009 7:16 PM... April Hunter said... This is probably not the best time to say hi, but hi Chris, how are you? Haven't seen you for a while been busy, busy. Then I was just killing time online and found your blog. Looks like I have a lot of catching up to do.

How do you know its me? Remember the time I called you. Ah, you bragged about that for so long, that's no good. But how many people know about that certain pro wrestling newsletter you used to e-mail me? Aha.

Anyway, good to see you're still around.

April

What's up, hotpants. How are you? Talk about bad luck, the last I heard from her she was down in OVW because her husband, JD Michaels, had just gotten a WWE developmental contract there. And then, just as they LEASED A NEW CONDO... WWE DROPPED OVW as a developmental territory and released Michaels out from his contract.

So she was stuck in Kentucky, with a quickly dried up wrestling scene, in a lease that would cost way too much to get out of. Boy, was she pissed. How did that work out, anyway? Still with your husband? Talking to Velvet Sky or is she history? You were hotter anyway. And what tapped trick hooks up with that pug ugly, going nowhere Gregory Helms, anyway? I mean, its weak enough that Matt Hardy maintains 20 different social networking accounts and fucks with the marks... Helms can't even score a low-level push out of it.

Hope all is well, red.

242) June 29, 2009 9:30 PM... Anonymous said... Screw perez, For good ragging on pop culture check wwtdd.com

Ah yes, WWW.WhatWouldTylerDurdenDo.com. I've checked it out. He posts lots of pictures... but I just can't get over the sites name. It was a great movie, and directed with total coolness... but stop making it something more than it already is, for chrissakes.

What would Tyler Durden do? Not fucking GOSSIP ON A WEB PAGE!!

243) June 30, 2009 10:41 AM... pillowfight said... hyatte, maybe you can help me out, with your "guide to life" experience. i work in a country far away from home. money is good, which helps me kinda live my dream and travel around the globe.

but...

i feel like shit here. no friends, no girl, no family, not even colleges, nothing. i am pretty old, don't do drinking or drugs, and then there's the language issue, so socializng just plain bores me. basically i'm fucking alone here.

so what should i do? go home, work for scratch, but have decent people around me, or stay and make money and slowly go crazy?

thanks, pf

Well, first I don't see how you wouldn't learn the language? How do you drive? How do you buy things? How haven't you picked up on a few words and started building a vocabulary?

I mean, making friends is easy. "Hey, wanna go out for a beer after work?" Yoiu don't drink? Have a Ginger ale with cranberry juice. It's good and looks like a Sea breeze. "Wanna shoot pool?" Boom, the first step.

Stay where you are, learn to adapt, make as much money as possible. America is in trouble these days, other countries are starting to wonder if the dollar is all that strong anymore. Our new President is trying his best but people are hammering him because he hasn't turned it around AFTER JUST 5 MONTHS. There is no money to make here. Stick where you are, make the cheddar, then come home all rich and live out your days set for life.

No brainer.

244) June 30, 2009 1:06 PM... Dr Drew said... What should you do? Stop fucking whining here! We're happy people! You're killing my buzz, loser!

Dr. Drew, you were waaaay better when you had Adam Corolla working with you. On your own you are just a fucking pain in the ass attention whore. How much can we possibly care about the dude from Taxi with the fruity hair> (No, not Kaufman)

243) June 30, 2009 3:06 PM... Julie said... Anonomous - Grow a pair will ya and at least post using your name? I'm not a dude...I'm a 38 yr old woman. Also- who the hell is Rinsa?

You know, remember when NoSoul brought back ScoopThis last year for a retrospective and I participated? Well, we got to talking and I invited him to comment more here. He turned me down because he wasn't up for all the ball busting that went down here.

People, sticks and stones. Let them say what they want. No one knows anyone here except for me and anyone who knows me a bit better always lets me know with secret messages. Julie, baby... dude... who cares? You're fine and ENJOY the fact that you can say whatever you want here and no one can trace it back to your personal life.

And remember, no one here gets busted on more than me.

244) July 1, 2009 4:47 AM... GIANT TESTICLE MAN said... Ha - more proof than ever... Julie IS a dude Not even a nice try, as CH would say

Now, see... I think GIANT TESTICLE MAN here is a chick.

245) July 1, 2009 10:10 AM... stewie said... "But, I like your mind and your sense of humor. Particpate more... because she won't be doing so as much."

You like my mind, eh? Well you'll like my body even more. My doughy, hairy MAN body!

Jeez, I've never had to try so hard to convince someone that I'm not a chick. Ain't that a kick? I'm like the anti-Julie

Okay brother, you win. You are not posting as Patricia. I believe you 100%.

From me in the June blog: However, if anyone noticed this... it seems that the poster named "Stewie" always posts ONLY after "Patricia" posts... so either Patricia IS Stewie OR... Patricia has herself a stalker.

So I guess its the second option.

Rock on, bro'

246) July 1, 2009 10:41 AM... Anonymous said... Stewie, I think the accusation is you're closer to Patricia than you let on. Almost like you're, I dunno, MARRIED to her. Or something. *cough*

Who says she's married? *ACHOO*

247) July 1, 2009 12:13 PM... fbintx said... so wait, we can post as other people? how do you do that? thanks for a doozie of a June. I enjoyed it.

Frank, you need to keep on truckin' as you are.

And besides, I think all of you has posted anonymously once or twice here... probably just to back up or respond to something you posted earlier and got mad because no one else was picking up on it. Christ, even I have posted anonymously to jump start this train from time to rime.

246) July 1, 2009 12:19 PM... fbintx said... PS although I must say, Christopher, I find you very attractive. Mmmm.

Okay, I laughed. I'm sure Frank didn't. Texans don't play this.

The difference between being black in Texas and being gay in Texas is at least the blacks get the opportunity to be found guilty and spend a few years on death row AND get a nice last meal before getting killed. The gays just get dragged into the woods. Without so much as a Tic Tac.

Speaking of gays... WADE KELLER. There, I said it.

And, as a special treat, I snooped through my history and found a special you tube clip that someone was nice enough to put up here. He only put up the address, I'm putting up the clip.

Its simple, really... but oh, so fascinating. This is Scott Keith plopping around at an indepoendant wrestling show. This happened several years ago, back before youtube... might even have been my 411 days... so we are talking YEARS.

Dig the shirt, dig the hair... my God the HAIR... dig the style...

And dig how he signs someone's shirt without a single shred... I'll say it again... WITHOUT A SINGLE SHRED OF HUMOR! The kid can barely stop laughing in his face and Scott's signing away like he's the biggest star in Canada.

You have to... HAVE TO assume his wife has since cleaned him up, brought him to a hair salon, and has since taught him how to dress.

No shame whatsoever.

Yeah, this is going to be a fun month here.

*****************

I want to make one thing clear...

I had NOTHING to do with this. It started with an anonymous post NOT from me. From there it caught on. I love it when you guys get bored and begin amusing yourselves. You really are a substantial reason why I do this blog. But I had zero to do with this. I was just curious to see how far it would go.

But really guys... after a couple of days and NO ONE posted any sort of news blurb from ANY sort of newspaper? Enough of you know my last name, you'd be able to find SOMETHING... just letting someone say "RIP" and someone else agree with it and THAT'S ALL YOU NEED?? No one even said I was dead.

But fuck, I even googled MYSELF... just to see.

I would have been happy to sit back for another week and just watch my own funeral here, or at least see how it all turned out... but I guess its too morbid.

Plus someone who is special to me is going through some real problems in her life and she needs me around to cheer her up once in a while. She wasn't happy that I let it go on this long, whether I was involved or not. So, it's for YOU, baby...

You could've e-mailed... *cough*

Anyway, I needed a week off to chill. I'll post something on Sunday or Monday...

But thanks again. Don't think too low of other posters who might have fallen for it... admit it, ALL of you started to wonder.

Next post I attack Britain.

********************

Let's go back to the beginning of the month:

I had wrote a nifty, large piece on Wade Keller, which included several older Midnight News bits which served to PROVE that I KNEW something was up with the guy... that he was hiding something. That there was a MAJOR skeleton in his closet.

And the payoff was pictures of him with his new baby, adopted with his husband/wife/partner by the name of Corey.

The baby's name is Bowie, which means that not a single woman participated in the naming of this kid.

The amazing thing is, Wade found someone even more anorexic and early 90's grunge then him!

The entire point was to brag... in an entertaining way, that I was onto the guy LOOOOOONG before he came out.

And yes, I realize that being gay doesn't mean you're odd. Or that something is wrong with you... but... umm... he IS odd, and so tightly wound that you can't help but wonder if there was something wrong with him. Him being anti-clitorus just provides a big piece to the puzzle.

Then again, he was allowed to adopt a kid, so SOMEONE who watches over this kind of stuff saw him fit for parenting... so what do I know.

Anyway, I posted it, and was happy with it for a day or so... then a bunch of you posters reacted and pointed out just how the thing could be perceived... which was in a way I did not want. I am not trying to launch a comeback. I am not trying to start a new web feud. And I'm not interested in being ground zero for "KILL THE FAGS!!"

In short, its fun to goof on Wade and his meth-head looking, beedy little weasle eyes wife, and their cute little kid... but, really, its still a touchy subject... and gay people have enough problems without some douche like me making fun.

So I yanked it, within 24 hours.

Now let's face it... this is a small little bloggy, it would've taken a good long while for it to make the rounds, if ever... but it did get out to one place... the strangest place... the last place I ever would've suspected.

Someone at a British wrestling fan message bored posted the link.

And the British wrestling fans reacted... well, a couple of them:

- "Wow, who cares? Welcome to the 21st century."

- "One internet wrestling columnist nobody cares about outs another less popular internet wrestling columnist and nobody cares. I love it how he has to stalk some other guy for years and then openly mock him for being gay just to try and get himself over in the IWC. Hyatte is shit."

- "I oughta invoice you for the time I spent reading this rubbish."

- "Does anyone know who this guy is?"

- "First of all, who cares? Hyatte is so lame. Secondly, what he's gonna do next, 'out' Graham Norton and Michael Barrymore?"

- "Never heard of this Hyatte character in my life, started reading his site... and soon gave up. He writes like a bit of a mental."

- "Hyatte outed himself as a cunt."

- "Jesus fucking christ what a piece.. "

- "Well, he doesn't care enough to write thousands of words in a shitty blog about him. Who the fuck is Hyatte anyway? I haven't heard of the daft cunt, and don't even know his first name. "

- "I assume it's Chris but only because it says "Posted by Chris" on his page. Given that the story is basically a long winded way of writing "LOL Keller is a Fag!!" I'm also assuming he is 12."

- "Next he will be outing Pro Wrestling as fake! Stupid prick."

- "When he finally decided to knock it on the head, I thought it was a good call as he's pretty much stopped being interesting or funny. I guess he missed the limelight.
Disappointed he turned out to really be a twat. "

- "As for the actual matter at hand, someone outting someone else on the internet... where have i read something like that before? The guy is simply a cunt no matter what his reasoning"

- "Is this fucking guy for real?? The guy needs a good slap!"

Wow, lots of politically correct rage... and apparently, the British enjoy calling people "cunts". That word never quite made it here in America as a nasty little curse word. Strange.

But its nice to know that the Internet message board tough guy is alive and well. That will never change.

Well, I wasn't about to allow myself to be hammered so hard by a bunch of Brits... I'm American and there are some thing we just cannot allow... its in our Constitution and everything. It's not about them not knowing who I am... I wouldn't expect that anymore, its been too long since I was an active memeber of the IWC... this is about introducing myself to some kids and giving them a REAL reason to be all pissy.

I registered with the board... and the administrator took his sweet, sweet bloody time to approve it... but he did... and now that I have some time, I would like to say hello to them.

This is what I posted:

'Allo mates,

Terribly sorry it took so long to respond but us colonists have busy lives. Keeping our teeth clean and white alone takes up valuable time. Not that any of you would know anything about that, eh? ;)

First, I will go ahead and assume I am speaking to all British people. If you are not from the bloody Kingdom, too fucking bad. You are reading this, I am assuming you are a wanker. I don't care if you're German, French, Austrian, or Scottish, you are here, you suck the Queen's arse. Don't be a bloody twit and shout, "HA HA, JOKES ON YOU, MATE!! I'M FROM SWEDEN!!" I don't care. I'm American and we still own your arse.

So then, my name is Chris Hyatte and I am from NEW England, USA. Since its NEW England it stands to reason that it is an improved version of OLD England, which is where you wanks are currently sitting. Makes sense and an inarguable case. Nothing surprising there.

It occurs to me the coincidence here. You Brits get wind of an American "outing" another American on his blog and pour on the outrage and the hatred on July 4th. You remember that date, right? Its the day we Americans... the Colonies, decided that we don't want to live under the rules and whims of some inbred royals (and have you seen your future King, Charles? How many surgeries did he have to keep his eyes from going cockneyed?) and threw you out... right and proper. We did it in the dead of winter, with little clothes, no socks, ragged shoes, and hardly any food. Your empire was well-stocked with all the rations you could ask for, and we still blew you out of the new land.

So I can understand the fury. We lowly little rag-tag army completely buttfucked you and sent you back to the Queen with giant, bloody arseholes and nothing to show for it. You never really recovered from that have you, mates?

And it must KILL you that as time went on, the people who made you our bitch continued to grow and become the greatest power on the planet. Oh, you knobheads tried to adopt Democracy, shortening the monarchy's grip and establishing a feeble electoral Government, but what does it say when your best known PM of modern times... Tony Blair, took each and every one of his cues from OUR President, the great Bill Clinton? Followers now, followers then, followers forever. I know it, you know it, the bloody WORLD knows it.

So I can understand the vitriol. But, as an American, I must respond. I can't let some lonely, yellow-teethed tossers spout on about me. That would make me no better then... well, you bloody pratts. Can't have that.

See, I come from America. Yes, we are arrogant, but we earned that right when we cornholed you back over the bloody pond, tails rightfully tucked betwixted your legs. We further earned it by bailing out the planet in TWO world wars... including the second one where, by the time we entered, you gits were already sucking Nazi cock and swallowing them whole. Remember that? Wasn't even 100 years ago. One of your silly, inbred Princes clearly doesn't... the way he sauntered about as a Nazi for some bloody Halloween party a few years back. Well done, mates. Long live the Queen.

So, we threw you out, then saved your arses from total Nazi takeover. (Some of us still argue about letting them fully absorb you before taking them down, but we decided to let you hold onto your culture for a while longer. You're welcome.) But I make one blog about a guy who covers a "sport" where naked men roll around all over each other, sometimes covered with babyoil, who introduces his adopted child with his husand/partner/lover and you get all uppity about it. HA! Look, mates... homosexual love is still a fairly strange concept to us, I admit. But we wipe our arses after shitting on the loo, and our toilet paper is soft and plush. I know you bloody twats have sandpaper-like paper to use... and sometimes you forgoe using it. We know you're a lot greasier back there and, thus, more accepting of things going IN rather than coming out. We know, we can smell it whenever we visit. We just don't publically discuss it because of manners. Daft prigs.

So, in short, since you needledicks saw fit to have at me with some proper British bile, I see fit to properly remind you of your place. I am from the place which took the Beatles from you and made them our own (poor John was never going to leave New York, he was bloody done with you bloody norahs). I am from the place where your finest actresses come to make movies and millions and get rid of their stinky accents which we bloody larf at.

But even better, I'm from the place that rejects your biggest stars... Robbie Williams couldn't find success here with a search warrent and a flashlight, we chased him out in a sulk. Oasis almost made it in, but we decided "no chance, nipples" and now Liam runs around shouting, "I bloody didn't want to be big across the pond anyway!"

And poor Freddy Mercury died once it was clear that we like a lot of his songs, but never the whole, flaming, bloody Queen package. He died with a big, bloody cock rammed right up his poopychute, right?

In turn, my gnarly, smelly, Kingdom of low bitches, we gave you Madonna... our modern day sex-kitten/one-woman conglomerate, and you tried to turn her into a prim and proper English mum... even giving her the miserable nickname "Madge". Well, that couldn't last with such a wildcat superstar like her, so she dumped your uptight, emotionally stunted husband (is there any other kind over there?) and came running back home, where she quickly took up with a major league baseball player and then a twenty year old model from Brazil. See, you can't drain Americans like you drain each other.

You can keep Gwyneth Paltrow, though. Please. She's perfect for you. Annoying with a unearned sense of royalty. Keep her, and that overrated husband too. Your Irish neighbor Bono called, he says Coldplay will NEVER be the next U2... and we all agree.

So while you bloody cream-filled gnats carry on about what one yankee has to say about stuff going on over the pond, please remember your place. Below us, needing us, depending on us, and sucking our large cocks with bloody glee because we make your world go round and round. This is not news nor is it up for debate. Its world known. Sure, we are in a bit of a political spot now, but we just hired a new President, our first black one, who is already going about to fix things up. Just sit back and wait patiently, we'll fix this mess... again.

And now that we have put in a black president, how long before you bloody tossers follow suit? Always behind, always following.

And aye, I know at least one of you damn twats who are currently reading this will be dead soon by the swine virus. Don't worry, we'll get to a cure eventually. And maybe ship a few hundred boxes of Crest over with the cure. We are good like that.

And one last thing, will one of you bloddy sods PLEASE tell this daft fool Doug Williams to lay off the Yorkshire pudding? We like our professional wrestlers to not fag out and kill the match 2 minutes in with all his bloody huffing and puffing. Do it and we'll see about keeping William Regal off all the free drugs we have to offer here.

Godspeed, mates. Now you have an excuse to call me a cunt.

Yours,

Christopher Hyatte: Typical American arsehole. And loving it.

_______________

Now I can catch up on comments... and talk CDs.

**************

So let's get this show rolling... to stay in chronological order, the topics will be the Keller thing and how I yanked it, Candice's fat ass, and everybody's pal, Scooter Keith. The death stuff comes up much later.

236) July 4, 2009 2:25 PM... Anonymous said... Wow. Hyatte TOTALLY caved

To whom? I decided that there was no upside to keeping what I had up there other than spending a year explaining why I'm not gay basher. The concept was good, the execution BAAAAD.

237) July 4, 2009 6:41 PM... Anonymous said... i know you probably don't wanna rehash this, but i didn't think you are a homophobe or gaybasher just incredibly....petty. Don't know the personal history between you two and don't care. although gay or not they both are kinda goofy looking. At least the kid has ain't gonna grow up looking like them. You should have gone to different clubs in your youth. She looks like the kind of women who is lurking during last call, looking for a piece.

I just wonder how Wade will explain the strap-on dildo the kid finds when playing in Dad and Dads closet.

I can handle petty. Great comedy can be mined from the trivial.

Candice doesn't look like a last call cruiser at all. She actually looks like a normnal girl in those picks... with gigantic hooters.

Nibbling a little tummy can be a boffo turn-on. Bony bitches are scary.

238) July 4, 2009 9:08 PM... Tony Majestic said... Um...yeah...I completely missed the part that could have been perceived as anything homophobic because I'm not fucking stupid. On the other hand, Hyatte is completely wrong for making fun of that poor girl's weight problem. I demand you remove the pictures of the girl who ate Candice Michelle AT ONCE. And I'm offended that he referred to black males. He must have been saying something insulting, by God. Incidentally, this black male says that Candice Michelle can still get it.

Tony, my friend, like I said in June, the brothers have put up with intolerance for so long that you all can spot a real hater from a mile away. You can tell the real bigots from the clowners on sight. I could hang with you all night and make fun of prison, sisters, large black cocks, and every other stereotype and you'd give it back just as good and not once would you get even bothered, because you know your white brother here is basically color-blind.

Gays haven't developed that ability to differntiate yet, they are still think we all hate them. They also know we are a loong way from putting one of their own in the white house yet. So keep that in mind, they don't have a MLK to preach to everyone yet.

239) July 5, 2009 3:57 AM... Wade Keller said... Mmm. And THIS white male says Tony Majestic would TOTALLY get it. xxx

There you go, then. Bust out the Maxwell House and Elmer's Glue, Daddy Keller is ready to PARTY!! MICHAEL STIPE STYLE!!

240) July 5, 2009 1:45 PM... Anonymous said... When it was brought up previously, I wondered if Wade was in the closet and then I saw in an old post that he mentioned had actually been with his partner for nine years, I was a bit surprised. As for Candice, yikes! She still isn't that bad though.

Can you imagine the scoops Wade would get if he actually hooked up with Pat Patterson? TAKE ONE FOR THE READERS, WADE!!! LET'S FINALLY BEAT MELTZER TO ALL THE HOT SCOOPS!!!

9 years together... and it looks like the spent a grand total of $500 on food.

241) July 5, 2009 2:12 PM... Bigly said... And it has now been pointed out without the lesser evolved sheeple even realizing it. It's socially acceptable to objectify and ridicule a woman but in todays sensitive culture how dare anyone make a gay joke. Gloria Steinem got her ass handed to her by a queen brigade from San Francisco.

Said woman was highly paid to keep herself objectifiable. Then she showed up at a show wearing the same outfit but squeeeeeeeeezed in. And I understand she spent her rehab time partying quite hard with her Go Daddy friends.

Personally, I think she was done with the business once her collarbone broke. And once it was made clear to her that Playboy won't be coming around for a second photoshoot.

Who wouldn't like to spank that booty? Watch the ripples... oh snap.

242) July 5, 2009 3:38 PM... Anonymous said... Oof on the Candace Michelle pics. WWE had to fire her before Shelton Benjamin knocked her up. Is Cryme Tyme still employed? B

I think she was Cena's road cookie for a while, and Cena's women are off limits.

I think Cryme Tyme have grabbed R-Truth and are pulling a night train on Maria. That one has gone ROUGH. Punk got outta there just in time.

243) July 5, 2009 9:20 PMzeekarkham said... I'm a black male that likes skinny women. Along with being a police officer, this sets me at odds with my race at least 95% of the time. Oh, and Hyatte, if you ever come back down to NY, you've got at least one cop looking out for you.

Brother, I have you and a cop on the gang squad on my back in the Big Apple,

But I'll do you both a favor and, when I make it down to the city again, I'll stay out of fucking trouble.

Is Times Square still filled with interesting characters who just walk around asking for money? "Yo big man!! BIG MAN!! WHAT'CHA GOT FOR ME???"

Is Central Park safe at night yet?

Anyway, haven't you seen The Shield ? Black cops are supposed to be self-hating closetted gays who turn to God and find IT DOESN'T TURN OFF THE FEELINGS!!!

244) July 5, 2009 11:27 PM... richardrh said... Hyatte, never acquiesce!

Oh just this one time... and now we know why X-Pac Waltman likes to hang out with him.

And does this Keller thing just make you WONDER about that little midget, unfunny, unwitty, no thoughtful opnion-making Jason Powell? Does he even have to kneel to suck the dick of anyone over 6'2?

245) July 6, 2009 9:31 AM... fbintx said... You might well be attractive. We'll never know. SK really rocks the pimply dork shiek look proudly. Love the black jorts and that snazzy tucked in t-shirt. I wish I could get his autograph.

I'm alright. I've just grown a goatee... makes me look older... and EVIL!!

Again, given how long ago the video was, I can only hope Scooter's wife cleaned him up some and did some shopping.

Frank... why do I think that if you sent Scott a copy of his own book and a self-addressed, postage paid envelope, you could GET his autograph. Make sure you spring for the postage back, tho', or you'll never see that fucker again.

246) July 6, 2009 10:52 AM... Johnny Rodz said... Hi-8, since I posted the Keith video link, can you please, please, for old times sake, just unreasonably bitch about some net writers. I know, I know, it's queer. I don't need you to be detailed, and I'm not asking you to rake up old graves, just, if you have it in you, make some petty stabs at Csonka, Grut, Keith, whomever you like. I just find it theraputic.

JESUS CHRIST, I JUST OUTTED WADE KELLER AND YOU WERE ONE OF THE FEW WHO READ IT!!! WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU WANT?????

And FUCK LARRY CSONKA!!

GRUT WHO?? HE'S DEAD TO ME!!!

Thank you for not mentioning that Jeff Smalls douche.... I KNOW you wanted to.

247) July 6, 2009 11:45 AM... Wade Keller said... Mmmm. Hey "Johnny Rodz", your comments about Hyatte make me think you must be playing on my squad, if youknowwhatImean. Fancy being the meat in a Wade/Corey manwich? xxx

If anyone knows what to do with "Rodz"...

Oh that poor fucking kid.

248) July 6, 2009 1:55 PM... Drum said... Get ready bitches. Your ass is grass, and Hyatte's gonna sell it at inflated prices to you, watch you smoke it, then piss on your faces. O yes. Cannot wait

Ugh, mate, leave the intraweb promo making to the professionals... horrible set-up. Almost made me drop the whole topic. Weak... Benoit weak.

249) July 6, 2009 4:30 PM... Gordon said... Far as I'm concerned, ain't a problem in the world with how Candace looks. I'm chasing a girl who looks kind of like that right now, but I'm locked down in the fucking friend zone

Oh you poor shmuck. Get out of there, its too late. Its over. You'll never get her. We've all been there... except for "Goodfella", he gets ALL the girls.

250) July 6, 2009 5:34 PM... JesseBaker said... In other news; I read on Scott Keith's blog that the WWE seems to be initiating a new form of bullshit censorship policy that makes removing all matches involving BabyKilling McWife Strangler seem sane and reasonable: basically ALL old school wrestling footage with blood can now only be shown, in black and white in order for the WWE to be able to make all of their stuff TV: PG. Shows on the WWE retro channel are already featuring the new edict. Jesus Christ that's ultra retarded/

Yeah, I've seen it. Basically, when the blood flows, they cut the video to black and white and turn the blood green. It's not horrible, and its actually fun to watch then try to switch back and forth for a ten minute Flair match.

And it wouldn't shock me that a HUGE reason why Vince won't let Flair wrestle again is that he could blow a forehead gusher by accident in a heartbeat. Not good for a PG live show.

It seems the WWE are making these sudden, drastic changes left and right... when, for the last twenty years, Vince ALWAYS stuck to his vision (those 80's Hulk-a-mania days were faaaar more adult then you might remember.) I think Vince is letting too many people influence his decisions. Probably people more on the business side of things that no one ever talks about.

251) July 6, 2009 6:00 PM... Anonymous said... What's the big deal about what Scott Keith looks like (or looked like, this video is at least 8 years old)?

He just looks in that video like what every other average male wrestling fan looks like. A wrestling T shirt, slightly overweight, enthusiastic because he is at a wrestling event and totally unself aware.

I'm not a SK fanboy but I would guess that several people that post here wouldn't mind:

1) Being married to someone or at least being in love with someone.

2) Getting paid/freebies for a hobby - writing about something you really enjoy.

There are plenty of other people in the world that deserve to be ridiculed before SK - Keller for example. Bowie. DAMN.

You have points... but here are a few extra details:

That kid who had Scott sign his shirt, was doing it as a goof for the Scotsman. If Scott was in on the joke he played right along... and I don't think he's that good an actor.

That same kid, was a featured wrestler on that show. This wasn't a legends classic fan fest Scott was at. It was backyard wrestling with a fucking roof. Not exactly Wrestlemania.

1) Being married or in love hasa nothing to do with the topic at hand, as Match.com wasn't even invented when this video was made.

2) I don't think Scott likes writing aboot wrestling any more than I do anymore. He's just waiting for that magic editor to offer to publish a real book of his.

The point is, I think, that Scott really needs to be more self-aware. Trust me, I've spent years working on the guy. None of the humiliation I rained down on him took hold.

But... really... is there anyone here... the fattest, dorkiest, most antisocial reader I have (sit DOWN, Patricia!!) who would go out in public like that? Be honest.

252) July 6, 2009 9:43 PM... Anonymous said... Good stuff... www.twitter.com/seanshannon

Oh leave the kid alone. He's not doing anyone any harm.

*******************

I'm moderating things for the time being because I want to seriously catch up with comments here, so I want to tighten the leash a bit for the time being.

99.9% of anything you want to say will go through. You all know this, you know I'm nice and loose here.

Feel free to leave private messages. And phone numbers.

253) July 7, 2009 9:15 AM... A whimsical Dory Funk Jr said... Surely the signs were there with Keller all along? Not just his effete manner in interviews, peculiar use of "kissy face" etc - but his website newsletter is called THE TORCH for chrissakes!

Torch! Torch song! HE WAS TELLING US ALL ALONG.

Not that it matters..... although if they wanted a zany music baed kid's name, they should have called the wee mite Psycho. See, Psycho Keller. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

Does he really talk like that? Funk, mean. I remember an Internet promo he cut on Ed Ferrerra, of all people, years ago... and it was something like that.

Have you ever wondered how that old, old OLD man Dory Funk has managed to stay wrestling for so long? I mean, is brother can barely walk anymore... Dory is loads older than him.

Of course, Dory liked to keep things simple, European Uppercuts, looooong stretches of armbars, a bodyslam here and there, and then the Spinning Toe Hold. Boom, done and done... on to the next town.

254) July 8, 2009 12:50 AM... Anonymous said... That Scott Keith video was a Scotsman prank, if memory serves me. I'm pretty sure that is Marky Mark wearing the shirt that Keith signs, which is actually has that original horrifying picture of SK himself on it.

And suddenly, Scooter doesn't look that bad now that we know some skinny Canadian asshole was running around with the creative name "Marky Mark"... what, was "Bono" taken already on the Canadian backyard 90's wrestling scene?

255) July 8, 2009 8:37 AM... Anonymous said... HAHAHAHA! THAT SCOTSMAN!!! WHAT A JOKER HE IS!!! I THINK I JUST WET MYSELF!!!!

Yep, and now, years later, all the both of us do is cater to a bunch of message board/blog posters with made up names. Only difference is I LIKE most of you... even Rinsa... even STEWIE... whoever she is.

Has Dealer Dan lost everything at the poker tables yet? A true gambler has to know what it feels like to lose the deed to the home at least once before he can call himself a pro.

256) July 9, 2009 8:22 AM... fbintx said... uh oh, did you peter out again?

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?????

man, even organ grinder monkeys need to sit out a few songs.

257) July 9, 2009 4:54 PM... Gray said... So, I'm a fan of the botchmania youtube stuff. Well, one thing led to another, and I ended up at this: http://www.wrestling-news.com/TranscriptRF14.html

Ah, the Rob einstein dirty talk with a minor chat transcript.

Should be noted that Rob was never charged with anything, and is still hanging onto the ass end of the business, conducting depressing shoot interviews with mostly bitter old rasslers, and forever horny and newly fat Missy Hyatt.

258) July 10, 2009 7:09 AM... Jason Powell said...

"Didn't know Scott Keith was left-handed. So is Barack Obama. And George Bush and Bill Clinton. And Tom Cruise.....and, uh, the Boston Strangler and Jack the Ripper (so they say.....)"

POWELL'S POV: I understand this is all true. And, did you know the late Kerry Von Erich only had one foot? Help me, please. I'm dying inside.

Oh Jason, it isn't you that's dying inside... it's that poor Hamster that Wade and Corey jammed in there the other night. *rimshot HOOOOOOOO

I have to give Hal Jotsky a call.

259) July 10, 2009 10:14 AM... Anonymous said... RIP Hyatte. Very sad news

And thus began one of the most interesting 5 days in this blog's history... right behind the time I announced that I got married.

I may dig into this stuff later tonight.

***********************

Okay, let's get into the "RIP" stuff. I want to analyze and guess how this went so nuts. I won't be offended if you skip this and wait for the next update, but this is all you get for the weekend.

260) July 10, 2009 10:38 AM... Rob said... Fuck. I just heard this too. R.I.P. and thanks for the good times

I think Rob here started it as anonymous 18 minutes earlier and decided an extra oomph was needed, for credibility.

261) July 10, 2009 11:13 AM... Anonymous said... What do you mean RIP Hyatte?

The first sucker shows up.

262) July 10, 2009 11:15 AM... Anonymous said... Dude's gone Pretty young too. RIP

Two minutes after the first post demanding answers, but less than an hour after the announcement. So whoever started it (Rob?), was bored and hung around to see which fish would bite... or if I would show up.

263) July 10, 2009 11:45 AM... Anonymous said... Came here soon as I found out. What a waste. And more to the point, pretty cowardly, but now isnt the time I guess. RIP

Now I just noticed THIS one suggested that I killed myself. This, I think, is a fresh poster who saw what was happening and decided to play along.

Nice touch with the suicide idea.

264) July 10, 2009 11:47 AM... Anonymous said... Where the heck are you guys getting this information? What the hell happened?

Hmm, now this is only two minutes after the post with the suicide floater... same guy just dumping gas on the fire? Blog activity is usually busiest around lunchtime here.

265) July 10, 2009 12:11 PM... Grut said... I heard as well. RIP. Hope you're finally at peace.

I'm tempted to think this really was Grut but I can't imagine why he would still be reading this, or participating. And where are the Jewish death prayers? Not even a decent word that sounds like your coughing up phlegm yack?

266) July 10, 2009 1:20 PM... Anonymous said... Anyone know if he left a note? R.I.P. Thanks for the memories Hi8.

Ah, a couple of hours later, I think this is another new poster playing along. And going with the suicide angle. But, there's a hole here... I mean, OTHER than there not being mention of this anywhere...

There has to be a lot more shock and morbidity when implying that someone committed suicide. Doesn't really work if you just say, "Wow, where's the note? Oh well, thanks for the memories!"

And no one asked HOW I killed myself... which is always the first question. Bad work... lazy and inattentive to details.

267) July 10, 2009 1:23 PM... Anonymous said... Who gets custody of Patricia?

... okay, this was me.

And the answer, of course, is Stewie gets her.

268) July 10, 2009 1:28 PM Anonymous said... Damn fools... what's the deal Hyatte? Or did you start the RIP stuff yourself you prick- if you did do it... if it's true... dayum.

Now the snowball is picking up speed and gaining momentum. And again, I didn't start any of this, but I was enjoying the ride.

269) July 10, 2009 1:36 PM... tom said... Keller had him wacked over this shit? Damn

The cool thing about getting lynched by the pink mafia is they always smell great, and you can pick up some great fashion tips... and there's nothing funnier than a guy with an effeminant voice talking trash. "How tough are you now, MR WONDERFUL!!" "KICK HIM, JEROME... TWIST HIS NIPPLES OFF, JAIZIN!!"

270) July 10, 2009 4:24 PM... fbintx said... RIP

And really, Frank, once you jumped on, I think it added a bit of legitimacy to this bullshit. You being the first "regular visitor" to go with it. People started really wondering now.

271) July 10, 2009 2:48 PM... Jay said... Holy shit!! Rest In Peace x

Why would a guy named "Jay" blow me a kiss? Ick.

272) July 11, 2009 7:14 AM... Damien said... He gave enough clues but still I'm a bit shocked by this as Inever thought it was that bad. Anyone set up a condolence book yet? R.I.P. Chris G

Now, see... THAT is how you work the suicide angle. Nicely done, son of Satan.

273) July 11, 2009 7:49 AM... Anonymous said... Of course he's not dead morons. You are just being wound up.

Well, it took a day, but FINALLY someone read all this, shook his head in disbelieve, and said, "Whatta bunch of tools."

274) July 11, 2009 9:13 AM... JesseBaker said... It's true. And it sucks. RIP

Jesse, I'm surprised at you. Didn't see this coming. I like it!

And I think seeing another regular like you hop on added more credibility.

275) July 11, 2009 10:19 AM... Julie said... OMG is this true????

Hi, Julie.

276) July 11, 2009 10:29 AM...Anonymous said... Julie, dude, it is for real. Poor fucker. HYATTE LIVES! in our hearts and minds. RIP

Yeah, you see... while I like the little nod to the Julie Controversy, it made my death seem like a giant JOKE....

.... SHOW ME SOME RESPECT, GODDAMMIT... AFTER ALL, I WAS AT THE PEARLY GATES TRYING LIKE HELL TO EXPLAIN MYSELF!!

277) July 11, 2009 11:54 AM... Anon-E-Mouse said... I'm calling bullshit here. Where's the supposed confirmation even coming from? Arms-length as he kept everyone all these years, it seems awfully convenient how easily it is for some to back this up.

Now the fun began... after a day of well wishes, it started to occur to everyone that there was no proof. The snowball was flying down the hill and it took a life of its own.

And suddenly, someone decided that 411 was ground zero for this sort of news.

Tonight I'll finish this up... don't worry, I'll skip a lot.

Bruno was funny as shit, hilarious. Sasha Baron Cohen is a certified genius. No question.

But nothing was 100% improvised. There was no "real people" caught totally unaware. Everyone was in on the joke. Too many of the film scenes were too seemless for them to be done in just one take.

The hillbilly hunters would have beat the shit out of him and left him for the possums. Local actors or just locals in on the joke, 100% scripted. Not a doubt in my mind.

And some really slick editing, of course. I don't know if that Terrorist he interviewed was real, an actor, or in on the joke... but there ain't no way he sasses up to that guy if he was real.

And anyone else notice that he basically repeated the exact joke from Borat with how he and his assistant parted ways? And really, Bruno is almost a step by step homage to Borat, structured 100% the same.

Bruno was funnier because Cohen FLOODED in more jokes and sight gags, but Borat was better structured, more story-like.

The guy is a genius, tho'. The marketing for this movie, which started a year ago with news clippings about trouble he would start at airports and such, was brilliant. And the payoff was worth the effort. Great flick.

Okay... so... I know I'm behind the times... and running with obsolete equipment... but I like what I like and fuck you. I'll get an Ipod when I'm damn good and ready. You will know I have one when I start demanding information on where I can download free music... because I'm not going to be Itunes bitch anymore!!

So, I have a ten disc CD changer in my car, and every so often I like to change things up and put in a new lineup. Well lately, I've been throwing in all sorts of genres and artists, and been getting NEW stuff in there too. It's the greatest... and helps with dates too. They like to play with it to see how fresh thinking I am. Then they turn it off and flip to Kiss 108.... top 40. I have it on preset which they like.

Anyway, the summer lineup is a strong one, featuring new, old, REAL old, classic, and two artists that I have never purchased music from before.

1) Eminem: Relapse: Strong shit, very strong shit. The boy is still telling his life story as it happens on every disc. The radio friendly songs aren't as strong as his older stuff - We Made You just doesn't hold up to his big guns like My Name Is..., The Real Slim Shady, and Without Me. And what fucking sheltered hole has the guy been living in where making fun of Christopher Reeve... who's been dead for YEARS, gets major lyrics?

And why is his voice higher now? I thought he was just changing up for one song but nope, the whole album has him in a higher octave? Don't get that... unless his drug problem blew out his voice.

Still, a great disc.

2) Black Eyed Peas: The E.N.D.: The first time I listened I got pissed off. "IT'S A FUCKING DANCE RECORD!!" I shouted to no one at all. I'm a late 30's single white guy... when am I going to a dance club again? Very disappointed. Where were the fun singles that could run oin radio AND the clubs? Nowhere to be found.

Then it came around again... and there are some really sweet tracks here. And Fergie's confidence has grown so much that even a tone deaf old bitch asshole like me can tell. On the last BEP disc, she held back some, just doing her part of the song. On this one, she steps up and OWNS her parts. Hot little mess there. Still love her apple ass.

But the disc is still lacking the fun shit that old white guys can get off on. HOWEVER... it's a good disc to fuck a girl to when you're too lazy to burn a mix disc. Of course... most of us are done before the first song, Boom Boom Pow ends anyway. My best time was when Fergie hit her middle part... "PEOPLE IN THE PLAAAACEAH... IF YOU WANNA GET DOOOOWWWWNNAA... THROW YOUR HAAAAAA*"... (splat... "UOOOOGGGHHH"... whew, sorry baby... wanna hot pocket?"

3) TI: Paper Trail: This has been in here for a while now. And without fail, whenever "Swagga Like Us" shows up, I ALWAYS hit repeat for at least five times. "HOOOOOVAAAAA... DIPPY DIPPY ROVAS WHIPPIN' WITH THE SODA!!!"... I have talked to black people who have no idea what Jay Z is going on about. But one day I'm going to yell at someone, "HOW IT FEEL TO WAKE UP AND BE THE SHIT AND THE URINE!!"

4) The Supremes: Greatest Hits: Ahh, the rise of Diana Ross from lead singer of a motown product to her single career. This is probably a product of watching too much television shows and movies which use these songs because they were cheap to buy. Whenever a move or show wants to A: Unite black and white kids or B: Have some old guy show a shy kid how to pick-up a girl, they ALWAYS go to a motown song.

I like these songs, tho'... even though you can tell that Ross and co were justing singing other peoples words... and didn't really have any personal investment in them. Diana got better with that when she went solo.

And I want to see if I listen to Endless Love enough will make me want to burn down an ex-girlfriends house... or her Yoga Studio.

5) Guns 'n Roses: Chinese Democracy: It's... just okay. 14 years is a long time to wait for only one or two really good songs out of 16. And its waaaay too lyrical... Ax'l sings his ASS off but overloads us with lyrics, so much so that songs tend to blur together. Nothing really stands out.

I think we've heard the lasdt from W. Ax'l Rose... alas.

6) The Beach Boys: Greatest Hits: Oh why the fuck NOT!! This is a first timer for me... and YES, it's odd to be playing surfing songs in thr Southern New England area... but the songs are quick, snappy, and FUN!! And there isn't a song in the bunch that I didn't instantly recognize.

7) Elvis Presley: Greatest Hits: Which doesn't even have ALL his greatest hits... but its Elvis. Who don't like Elvis? 40 years after the guy died his empire is STILL going strong. Just fucking conform and download one of his compilations, you assholes. It's Elvis!!

8) Rob Zombie: Greatest Hits: THIS disc hasn't left my changer for three upheavals now! I'm not into Metallica so this is as close to hard metal as I'm ever going to get... and Zombie knows a hook or two.

Living Dead Girl is another song that gets the ol' repeat button whenever it comes on. Play this song during sex and you'll end up shoving your toe in her mouth during doggy fucking... and she'll LOVE IT!!

Great disc to play when fucking a tattooed druggie chick.

9) Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers: Greatest Hits: One day last month, for no reason at all, as I was musing about what to put in my changer that was new, Tommy P came out of nowhere and it dawned on me that I had never in my life purchased anything from Tom Petty. I wasn't really a fan, but I never switched the radio off when one of his songs came on. So I said why not! Petty deserves my few dollars for decades of entertainment! Plus, he looks like a fucking hobgoblin. PROPS!

And this is another disc jammed packed with songs... all of them I instantly recognized. Not a clunker in the bunch.

10) Eminem: The Eminem Show: Only because I like to bookend things with the same srtist. Next time I think I'll use Use Your Illusion I and II for the bookends.

So, yeah... can you see how KEWL I am!! Ha HA!!

Heh, so how many of you actually WAITED for this? heh... not a one, I think.

Let's hit up some comments.

278) July 11, 2009 2:14 PM... Anon-E-Mouse said... All right... Where's word of this coming from, though? Or is this just a "death" in the sense of killing off the Hyatte alter-ego?

I'm not going to spend much more time on the "RIP" portion of this month's comment log... but I must say...

Ask any girl who I currently chat with and/or email with and they will tell you, the "Alter-Ego" is MUCH cooler and fun then the real guy. "Hyatte" is thr bomb... the other dude is a bit of a tool. Ask any girl who knows me on the outside too... they'll tell you... oh man, will they ever.

But I can understand your question.

279) July 11, 2009 6:21 PM... Anonymous said... Been searching Obits all day and not even anything close in his area... It's bogus.

You all DO realize that when I do drop, its going to be pretty much the same deal... I'll just stop posting, someone will say RIP... a whole thing will erupt... then, days later, someone who has an INKLING about me in real life will do an investigation... but by then I'll be in the ground and I'm not sure it'll make the obits.

So, chances are, I'll just never post again and that'll be that. Out with a whimper.

280) July 11, 2009 7:25 PM... Crescemp said...
Have you morons never been on the internet before? Seriously - how fucking stupid are you? No, no - SERIOUSLY! How fucking STUPID are you??

1) Some guy - some ANONYMOUS guy - says Hyatte's dead, and you go searching the 411 forums to see if other anonymous posts will somehow substantiate the claim.

2) The same anonymous guy posts again and again every couple minutes to keep saying he's dead, and you go out searching the obits.

3) Hyatte himself said to watch out for goofballs who post something wild but just can't restrain themselves from posting 10 minutes later, but you, his fans, who say you've read this stuff since Scoops, BELIEVE IT WITHOUT A SHRED OF PROOF, YOU ARE STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!! YOU ARE STUPID!!!!

4) Tammy Sytch guest columns, Hyatte getting married, and this Trish Stratus thing and you STILL go for any wild claim, hook line and sinker.

The question is, HOW stupid are you.

If any of you readers have followed Hyatte as long as you claim, maybe you remember what ScoopThis.com always said - If it's on the net, it's gotta be true. But... you DO know they meant that sarcastically and not as gospel law, right?

Right???

Now go quit wetting your pants and wait for Hyatte update like good little twits.

Morons.

MORONS.

Heh... your points are all well and good Mr Crescemp. HOWEVER, I DO notice that you waited until my continued existence was confirmed before piping up.

So... maybe... it looks like you YOURSELF didn't want to say anything until YOU knew for sure.

And what "Trish thing"?

281) July 11, 2009 9:02 PM... elmarko said... I never wondered for a second, I've been staring at you through a hole I drilled in your ceiling for 2 weeks now. I know exactly what you've been doing and yes, I think it's weird.

Really? That's you? I thought it was a dead squirrel.

Hey, I jerk off a LOT for such an old guy, huh?? CONFIRM, PLZ!!

282) July 11, 2009 9:02 PM... Crescemp said... Hi, Hyatte. I'm a longtime reader. And no, I never wondered if you were dead. All I could picture was some big, kinda fat bald dude, who could be built like Brock Lesnar, laying in the floor dead while a parrot contentedly shits on your Goodbye, cruel world! note as he eats out your eyes. And... sorry. Just couldn't. Couldn't buy it.

Well, no one could, really... but in the end, it was a fun excuse to visit the blog while daddy tended to real life.

The bird will be able to reach his food bucket if he needs to. Getting fresh water will be a problem, tho'. I think he'll scream loud enough so SOMEONE will get to him before he dies. Plus I DO have a friend or two who'll probably end up dropping by to hang.

I actually did wake up directly under the bird cage's open door... with the bird right over me one morning. Remind me to tell you that fun, drunken story.

283) July 11, 2009 10:30 PM... Anonymous said... Dayum - a brotha takes off for a week and look what happens... yall try to kill Hyatte, he plays along, Patricia verifies he's alive, Chris comes on and talks about it saying he didn't do it...

And Crescemp gets OWNED by Anonymous posters.

All is well in Hyatte-land - we're just one big dysfunctional family as usual.

Sup Hy8!

- Eva

'Sup, dude. Yep, and the family is a billion times better than anything Scooter has going on HIS boring blog. We might be the best kept secret on the web!

284) July 11, 2009 11:59 PM... Anonymous said... So is anyone else watching Skinamax "Lingerie" show? I mean if they were really doing it the guys would have to have like 3 ft peckers... Just figured this is the only place to air this kind of rant.

Heh, it's the right place, alright. I never heard of the show, don't have Cinemax... and since I don't know the show your comment about three foot peckers is TOTALLY cryptic.

So please explain... its been a while since we talked porn here... and we have Porn Valley to provide incite too.

285) July 12, 2009 2:57 AM... stewie said... "Anonymous said... And Stewie takes #79...Oh and Stewie takes cock too!"

Very funny, CHRISTOPHER!

Nice try, though.

Not me, son... or Sweetie... whichever. But congratulations... you've became distinctive enough to get people goofing on you here. About time.

286) July 12, 2009 4:19 AM... Anonymous said... Good times. And Chris please remember in your attcak on Britain that you have plenty of fans here who aren't assholes.

Noted.

287) July 12, 2009 6:27 AM... Anonymous said... Also, be careful Hyatte, us Brit's aren't like you Yanks, we were born with the ability to be sarcastic and as such have a naturally higher ability to rip you to peices and we don't want to have embarrass you on your own blog.

Noted. But might I remind you that dry sarcasm does not play well in written form, unless you know how to do it.

I know how to do it. And when has anyone ripped me to pieces in ANY forum??

That thing I wrote was fun. Playing the ignorant, arrogant American asshole who knows just enough to score points is always lots of fun. And bullet proof.

I also liked thw warning. Little nervous, mate?

288) July 12, 2009 11:26 AM... Anonymous said... All Americans are poofs.

Oy bloody Nora!! And all Brits are soddy prats they is!

286) July 12, 2009 1:40 PM... Anonymous said...I still say Hyatte is dead. This is clearly a FAKE Hyatte. It's the Ultimate Warrior scenario ALL OVER AGAIN!

Talk about retards... people TODAY swear that there were two Ultimate Warriors. No, there was one. He just had to get off steriods because his boss had the Government crawling up his ass with a microscope. Then he wore a T-shirt with his OLD body on it so fans would get confused. Meanwhile, Randy Savage wandered around in yellow spandex because he too had shrunk like socks in the dryer.

How great would it have been if all this happened today? If HHH had to start working in t-shirts with his old body sketched on it? If Cena went spandex to tpo bottom? Oh man, I might still be doijng Mop-Ups if this happened.

287) July 13, 2009 4:30 AM... Scrote said... Okay Hyatte, as we're all friends here - what is your real last name?

Sigh...

Not a chance. Like I said before... imagine the bullshit I'd have to deal with if I ever DID give up even a SMIDGE of real info here? There are people reading this looking for the opportunity to really bust me on something.

Plus my employers have fired people for what they say/do online... mostly facebook and Myspace stuff. It's too bad, really... because if I did tell you my real job, you would have a billion questions and things would really blow up here.

288) July 13, 2009 5:52 AM...stewie said... And Stewie once again takes the big one! Right up my ass!

You GO, girl!!

289) July 13, 2009 4:15 PM... Anonymous said... Gray & Anonymous live in their gay daddy's basement where they espouse the truth that all men are created to hump each other

Oh leave gray alone. I like him. He's cool.

But this comment cracked me up. Gray & Anonymous... BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!

290) July 13, 2009 5:30 PM... Anonymous said... So Hyatte... Brock or Fedor?
I watched a lot Fedor but I just don't think he can beat Lesnar. Fedor seems overratted

All I know is that Lesnar is a fucking bull. He's just going to charge and start swinging and overpower his opponent. You can't run from him forever and it'll take more than one monster shot to put him down. He's just going to steamroll over you then keep punching until you tap or the Ref saves your ass.

How do you stop a tank? Like Mir did in their first fight. Try to wrap up a leg or an arm while Brock is just POUNDING fists on you.

291) July 15, 2009 9:31 AM... Anonymous said... This is all very silly. Keep up the good work Hyr8T.

Yes it is. Same to you.

292) July 15, 2009 10:39 AMA Brit Arsehole said... The teeth myth Chris? REALLY?
Fuck, that's lame. I expected better. Sorry.

Ahh bollocks, you bloody git! I was addressing a bleedin' lot of tossers who were doing bloody nothin' but calling me a cunt and running the typical message board flamefest at me tight lil' bum. I kin go cliche with cliche against bloody well anyone.

What? Did anyone really think I would put research into my little missle against a boar4d full of British wrestling fans? Are ye all DAFT??

293) July 15, 2009 11:20 AM... A Brit Arsehole said... And Another Thing... "And now that we have put in a black president, how long before you bloody tossers follow suit? Always behind, always following." Well right or wrong, we had a woman leader first. When you Yanks follow our lead some 25 odd years later and elect Sarah Palin, WE'LL BE THE ONE LAUGHING OUR LIMEY ARSES OFF. Then we'll weep for the future of humanity.

Palin will NEVER be elected President. Trust me. If she ever tried to run and designed her campaign to target the "Joe SixPack" crowd, like they did this year, the Dems will pick her apart in no time.

And don't forget. The democrats have Hillary. This ain't a beauty contest.

294) July 15, 2009 2:03 PM... Anonymous said... HYATTE RULES! And Crescemp must be British and gay.

Oxymoron.

295) July 15, 2009 4:43 PM... tom said... What's fun about that is, the people it'd piss off. The patriotic, love the queen, terribly proud to be English (get it right Chris, no calls themselves British, can't mock the welsh properly that way) don't really like them foreign dark types. They'd fucking hate that, would rile them right up.

The more, shall we say, advanced of us? Couldn't give less of a fuck about defining ourself by our country.

The good one's just don't care, how low would your self esteem be to be to need the country you're from to validate yourself?

So doesn't bother me particularly.

But, in the spirit of banter, I do have to point out we invented America, so we stay the daddy.

We saved your asses in Iraq and Afghanistan (without us holding back and backing up bush it would have turned into world war 3, you'd have won but it would have fucked you right up).

We did the Beatles, the Stones, Deep Purple, Clapton, Hendrix had to come here to learn how to play.

Madge can fuck off and die, pop shite's dull no matter which one of us did it.
And as for hating Robbie Williams? Well that's actually good work, we quite liked seeing that.

One last thing, you've spent a decade mocking american message boards - and you've just got to one of ours. If you're basing your judgement of the brits on that? Just how much do you hate burger land?

Ah that was fun, kudos though - it was a funny read. Did they leave it up?

Oh I KNOW its a rare sort of moron who can get pissed off when his country is insulted, but I know you Europeans really don't like it when an American comes in and acts all superior and stereotypical. Drives most of you crazy.

Remember A Fish Called Wanda? Great movie, GREAT job by Kevin Kline.

But, you might still be "Daddy"... but your "Son" just kicked your ass, threw you out of your house, kicked your ass some more, and now Daddy has to come to his old home to ask his son to help keep the neighborhood bullies off his lawn. Remember that.

I have a feeling Britian was enjoying the way Robbie Williams American Assault backfired.

And did I mention that you can have Madonna back? Please?

297) July 15, 2009 10:58 PM... A Canadian said... That was fucking awesome. Now do us next.

I already did. It was called And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H Canadians enjoyed all the familiar phrases and verbage I used... even though I just mixed provincial slangs any which way. I got particular props for including a joke about the "Newfies".

Do you next? Well, there is one Canadian I'm going to do. Just have to wait for her bad marriage to end.

298) July 16, 2009 9:29 AM... fbintx said... I'm always late on reading this stuff. They're working me too hard down here in the sewers. Enjoyed the dressing down, though it was a bit heavy on the bloodies. Do they really say it that often?

The bloody 'ell would I bloomin' know??

299) July 16, 2009 7:09 PM... Gray said... Was Hal Jotsky based on a real person?

Sure, and a cliche comedy type.

300) July 16, 2009 11:51 PM... richardrh said... hyattus, Do you ever sit back and wonder if you could have parlayed your massive audience into something bigger? Like a paysite or a money gig? I mean, if you had like, say 100,000 hardcore readers in the day, and did a one time charge of $10 to join, that would be a lot of coin. You would have had my Al Hamilton.

Sure, all the time.

However, this audience isn't "massive". We are only 100-200 deep. Remember, most posts are from "anonymous" and most anonymous are just the same small bunch of douches.

On my adminstrative control area here, blogspot added a new feature called "Monetize". It lets you put up add links of your choosing... or choosing by the blog itself based on what topics you write about. And you can get paid from it.

You notice NO ad links here. I doubt you'll ever see ad links here. For three reasons:

A: I have this awful feeling most of the ads, based on the blog content, would be naked girl porno sites and wrestling action figures.

B: You all are terribly cheap and would just ignore the link sites anyway.

C: I do have a strange sort of pride of having provided... as someone put it recently... a "staggering amount of exceptional content over the years".

And I'll end it here at comment #300. Lots of stuff for you to ctach up on... most of it not so good. But there are some interesting comments coming up.

**************************

Your June Ongoing Blog (Older Posts)

2009-06-11T09:23:00.001-07:00

While I like the overall idea of a live action blog, and I guess you all like the change of pace, I do want to break it up into monthly segments. I mean, keeping the endless blog going for 1000 posts would've been fun, but really... it's just 50 of you posting anonymously. And that's stretching it.

So welcome to our June blog. Let's keep the party rolling.

And Torrie Wilson looks PHENOMINAL without makeup, all sweaty and grimed up... she still looks amazing. But she's also clearly shy and passive. Sort of explains why she reached a certain point in the WWE but never advanced much beyond.

Still, an absolute breathtaking girl. Heartstopper.

96) May 29, 2009 12:58 AM... Anonymous said... hyatte, thanks for the mention :] back when you ACTUALLY HAD A PHONE THAT I COULD CALL, we chatted quite a bit. now that you don't, you aren't updated on my life :[ i also think it's odd that i'm one of a handful of people who ACTUALLY know what you look like. and i didn't go around spreading it, did i? therefore, i'm trustworthy. and the best. and awesome. but we all know that already. ok. talk to you soon buddy. ps: skirt day.

Darling, all things considered and with all the bullshit I deal with from other girls, you are easily the smartest, sassiest, most fun chick I've EVER had the pleasure of knowing. And the best. And I'd trust you with bank account numbers.

But what's this about wanting to talk to me on the phone? Silly girl, you're not supposed to want that. Not with a piece of internet pond scum like me.

97) May 29, 2009 1:10 AM... Neo said... Chris...been a big fan of yours from back in the day. I remember that somewhere around 2004 you had a little thing called "Hyatte's Guide to Life" going. Now hypothetically if you were actually from a fairly conservative third world country, where it wasn't that easy to get pussy out of marraige, would you still be single? I personally think sex is a non-entity when it comes to making that decision, you either want to be by yourself or with someone. Also do you reckon a single man and a single woman can ever be "just good friends"??

I'm not sure how it works in your standard third world nation, but I'm sure I could get someone to hand his daughter off to me for a camel and some promises of afterlife virgins.

Sex is overrated in the long haul. I mean, really... once you blast off on her from every conceivable position, no matter how hot and good it is, eventually, after being married for a couple of years, it gets down to a few minutes a pop a few nights a week... before it dwindles down to nothing. Then you have to actually LIKE the person you're with. Not LOVE, you can love someone and still hate their guts, but you have to ENJOY THEIR COMPANY forever. That's what people don't get. You have to be able to perfectly mesh with your mate, it can't be out of passion or habit, because neither will last.

Basically, you have to fill her holes and she has to fill yours.

Or, if you prefer to be alone, then be alone. Fuck conformity, no one gets to live your life but you.

And yes, men and women can just be good friends. Take the girl above, a very good friend of mine but I have zero desire to fuck her. And no, she isn't Gloomchen.

98) May 29, 2009 8:00 AM... FLEA said... http://web.archive.org/web/20040616195158/1ryderfakin.com/COLUMNSMAIN.htm.

ain't it funny, how time slips away

FLEA

Ahh brother, I knew it was never gonna last. I knew Grut wouldn't EVER be able to sustain a one-act play format for long. I knew Eric S would run out of things to say.

And I knew I would get sick of giving people advice on how to pick up girls... time after time again.

However, you did manage to keep the front page interesting with your choice of pictures... and it does hold the greatest "And Another Thing" EVER...

Plus, somewhere in there is a short story about a girl who sees a demon in her mirror which I liked writing.

Chasey's Eyes... another chick who let me down.

99) May 29, 2009 1:45 PM... Julie said... Thanks Chris! Loving this format - fun to read your take on things :)

Ladies Love Cool Hy

100) May 29, 2009 10:58 PM... stewie said... Bah, imposter stewie and your Gaydar comments. Christopholes, have you ever had anything happen to you that can be defined as paranormal?

Well, someone did ask about my meeting with Satan, and I'll probably get to it before the day is over, but as far as a good ol' fashioned ghost story, I'll give you this:

I used to live one street away from my high school, which means I could walk through a neighbor's yard and BOOM, the school is right there. So no bus stops, no waiting, no getting up early to catch it.

So I could get up 30 minutes before homeroom bell and make it, showered, fresh, ready.

So, of course, I'd stay up late and watch Carson or something... actually, I had a horrible system where I'd sleep in the afternoon after school so I'd be all revved up at bedtime... I wouldn't fall asleep until midnight or so. It's how I discovered Letterman at 12:30.

(sidenote: Conan O'Brien's entire late night act was completely influenced by Dave's late night act... don't kid yourselves)

Anyway, this led to me being consistently late for school, or at least being always reluctant to get up in time. My mom, who got up roughly the same time I did, had her own issues with getting up in time, so she would force herself up to get ME up so then we would both be up.

Well, one morning, I was snoring away, and the radio alarm was working, and I was managing to snooze through it, when Mom started shaking me awake. She grabbed my shoulders and JACKED me awake with strength I didn't know she had. I ignored the first time, mumbling, "I'm up, I'm up." Then drifting off again. Then she shook me again, a MONSTER wake up shake that went through my whole body.

"OKAY, MA!! I'M UP!!" I screamed.

"Good for you," she said... FROM HER BEDROOM!!!

She wasn't the one shaking me. And it was just me and her.

Apparently, ghosts hate radio alarms... or one of my dead grandparents came for a visit and wanted my lazy ass up on time, for once.

Never happened again, but it was definitely a paranormal deal.

101) May 30, 2009 1:00 AM... JesseBaker said... Jesse Baker here, letting you all know it's my birthday and as such, I have a birthday request question for Chris Hyatte:

Given that time has passed, what is your opinion on Chris Benoit's death? What was your reaction to hearing about his death, and later of the news that he did himself in after savagely murdering his family?

Do you consider the topic of the murder-murder-suicide "off limits" as far as joking about it, due to the fact that Benoit didn't just kill two random strangers, but his wife and young son and as such, takes the crimes to a level where you can't find a way to laugh at it because wife and child killing can't be made funny, no matter how hard you try and find refuge in black humor?

I say this because, for me at least, the various off-color jokes that the internet made about Chris Benoit's crimes/death helped me get through the scandal, due to the fact that the crimes were such a complete opposite to the image Benoit presented to the public, that morbid humor was the only way to truly process the monsterous things he did that day as far as "One of my favorite wrestler is a a murderous monster, so the only way I can deal with it, is to accept that he did these crimes and laugh at the horror in order to accept the grim reality of what had happened".

I'd like to hear your thoughts on the subject and how you feel about it in terms of "Can we make fun of Benoit's death?" or if the whole thing is something of an open wound that can never heal?

Well Happy Belated Birthday, Jesse.

A kid died. His mother died. Neither did anything wrong. Nothing funny there.

But Jesus Christ, I still find it hilarious that Benoit hung himself by a machine pully in his gym. He wanted to get in one last set of squats before packing it in. BWAHAHAHAAA!! ONE MORE REP!! LET ME TAME THIS MOTHA!!! YEEAAAAHHHH!!

See, not funny. A kid died. Died from the Crippler Crossface... "TAP, YOU BRAT!! TAAAAPPP YEEEEEAAAAAARGH!!!!!"

No, see... not funny.

Plus, no one was held accountable for it. Vince threw money at Benoit's surviving family and that was it. The government doesn't care. No one is outraged. No one did anything other than take a pass at suing the WWE for how they run their business.

The guy's head was turned to mush thanks to all those flying headbutts he took (even though he was told NOT TO after his neck surgery a few years before... funny how no one ever seemed to recall that), and yet there he was... diving away night after night and putting all kinds of stuff in his veins.

It's... just not a story that lends itself to comedy. A kid died.

A kid died. End of story.

101) May 30, 2009 11:27 AM... Laughing Larry said... Let it never be said that doing steriods will not make you well hung. Ask Mike Awesome, too

Eh... so/so.

You know what bothers me about Mike Awesome? He wrestled that Jap at the first One Night Only PPV. During his match, all the WWE wrestlers in the balcony collectively turned their backs on him and the match and wouldn't turn around until it was over. No one mentioned this before, during, or after. No newsletter writer commented on it, and no one online as far as I could tell. I mean, I know why they did... but I find it strange that the act was ignored.

102) May 30, 2009 4:57 PM... Anonymous said... Have you checked out fleshbot recently? Looks like Matt Stryker is pretty impressed with himself.

Recently? Dude, what makes you think I would know what "fleshbot" is or that I would go there at all? Jesus, I'm not some perv... just a dude who likes his porn. Red-blooded, healthy... NOT a perv.

Nic Cage will NEVER catch me in some dark basement whacking it to some grainy video of a girl blowing Lassie!! Okay!!

I never wondered what Stryker's sexual preference was (and for Chrissakes, who would?)... but now I guess we know. Heh, and now we know why he got out of the school teaching industry... heh... those lucky kids.

*********

103) May 31, 2009 2:31 AM... Chandler313 said... "There is a Devil, y'know... I've been visited by him back in the day (nothing too terribly dramatic. I didn't have fucking tea with him or anything.)" That line surprised me a bit. Were you being literal? And, if so, what's the story behind that statement?

Met him in a dream.

Okay, this is going to sound stupid... and you all have every right to dismiss it as bullshit or me jerking you off. All I can say is that I promised honesty here so everything I am about to write is 100% true. Take it at face value or don't.

My mom turned to God during a bad time in her (our) lives... that being my Dad, and... without being a Jesus freak or using Him as a crutch, seemed to get special treatment.

The woman occasionally spoke in tongues. Trust me when I say, she diodn't know any other languages, but once in a while, she would just start chatting away in a different language. It was both creepy and exciting at the same time.

I guess you could say that she was blessed, and I was to to a lesser extent.

Around this time (late 80's)I was questioning God and religion and everything about it, and was also interested in Satan... who he was, what does he do, how does this work... blah, blah, blah... as a joke I would sometimes offer my soul up to him in exchange for various goods and services, but pull back at the last minute or dismiss it. Stupid stuff, kid stuff... I also was 20-21 and thinking myself invincible. I called out satan, I guess. I wanted to see what the big deal was.

But when you're blessed, you sort'a get a spotlight on you.

I think I was twenty when I had the dream. I was standing in my driveway on a nice, sunny day. A shiny red sports car drove up and pulled in. I was facing the passenger side. The window was opened. The driver was a youngish, nice looking blonde lady dressed in a white business suite, sunglasses, and her hair done up like she was going to a nice dinner with someone. The passenger was a man in a gray suit, salt and pepper mustache/hair, and very intense blue eyes. He was staring at me.

The lady spoke and said that they heard that I was interested in "giving yourself over to Satan". I leaned on the open window with my hands and, very friendly like, said, "Oh no, I'm sticking with God."

The passenger guy with the grayish suit/hair just burned his blue eyes at me. And he was scowling, not angrily, just intense.

"The blonde said, "That's not what we heard."

Then it felt as if my right coat arm was caught in the side mirror of the car. I couldn't pull away. Dreams don't give you the luxury of time to slowly build up any emotions, so I grew real frantic, real fast, then became terrified. I knew I was in some trouble here and started yanking on my arm.

Then my brain went off autopilot and I TORE my ass awake... sweating, breeathing heavy, terrified... the whole magilla.

Understand, I was 20-21 at the time... I was totally invincible. Here I was literally pissing in my pants.

I remember everything about that dream now... most vivid dream I ever had. He never visited me since in dreams... but for a few years, occasionally, I would sense something in my room with me... and real hardcore terror would wash over me... afraid to move terror. The Lord's prayer followed by the Hail Mary would chase it off, or at least give me a sense of peace and calm.

This lasted until my Mom died (turns out, I was only blessed by proxy)... well, there was one more time on a cruise ship, but after that, I was left alone.

I don't have the answers, or the facts, just my interpretation... and I know what I know... and I can tell you every line on that guy's face in my dream... every detail.

And before you explain to me how crazy I am... please remember the great line from Verbal Kint in The Usual Suspects:

"The greatest trick the Devil ever played was making the world think he didn't exist."

104) May 31, 2009 11:01 AM... Derek said... Good call on that Derek Burgan idiot. Guy thinks he's the next Dave Meltzer when at best he's the next Scott Keith!

Tell me Derek, did you google my name or did you google your own name hoping to God to find someone... ANYONE... talking about you?

You're the type of IWC asshole I was most afraid of becoming, and never did.

105) May 31, 2009 11:16 AM... Anonymous said... Hyatte, I've always wondered something. During your online tenure, did you ever have any interaction with Dave Meltzer? And why did you never feel the need to clown him in your columns like you did with oh so many others? (Well besides his grammer issues)

Because he made a career, a lucrative career out of this before anyone even knew what the Internet was. Because he jam packs his newsletter every week with stuff. Because his news stories are never wrong or questioned. Because he keeps the grandstanding light.

In a cyber world full of dinks, he's a professional.

Here's the best analogy I can think of. Let's say I was this news host on for an hour a week on a low-rated cable network... let's say "E" or "HDNet" or something like that. Let's say I brought in respectable numbers... top 15 ratings at least.

Now let's say I spent a good portion of my show goofing on all the other news shows... O'Reilly, Olbermann, Hannity, Grace, Larry King, Dateline, that Pedophile guy, 20/20... all of them. Let's say I just hammered all of them.

I would never go after "60 Minutes" tho'. I would never go after the standard by which all others are judged on.

Meltzer is the "60 Minutes" of wrestling reporting.

Bryan Alverez can suck my dick, however.

But I like Todd Martin's Raw recaps. I used to hate him but then I realized that he's being honest and consistent. He only pisses on the show when he's annoyed by what they are doing, and isn't afraid to say when it's they put on a good program that week.

Todd never missed a column of mine either. He usually sent me a snotty email just a few hours after I posted a column that happened to reference him in some mean-spirited way.

106) May 31, 2009 1:46 PM... Anonymous said... Is the funniest thing ever at the 1:32 mark of this video? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adZV0N5NHO0&feature=channel_page

I love those things. I think that was Trish under that mask.

107) May 31, 2009 3:18 PM... JesseBaker said... Hatte's clowned on Meltzer before: mainly mocking Dave's Wrestling Observer "website" (if you can call it a website) as far as being nothing more than a glorified placeholder website with nothing of note on it, except information about how to subscribe to the actual newsletter.

Well... yeah.... the boy did go kicking and screaming into the World Wide Web. I'm pretty sure he took forever before understanding that this fad wasn't going away.

108) May 31, 2009 3:18 PM... Dave Meltzer said... Don't fuck with me, boy. I'm more powerful than you could EVER fucking imagine.

Yeah, even though Dave rocked the world's most serious mullet for much of his life, I find it very hard to believe he would quote bad George Lucas dialogue at me...

... yeah, as opposed to GOOD george Lucas dialogue...

109) May 31, 2009 4:22 PM... Boris said... Hyatte. This is great stuff. Thanks for the quality free entertainment.

Thank you Boris!! It's readers like you that make it all wort... wait a second... OH YOU FUCKING RAT JAP CUMSTAIN!! DIE DIE DIE!!!

Fuckin' bastard.

110) May 31, 2009 10:12 PM... Anonymous said... "Me, I keep women so dry I can see a mirage in their chooch. Is that water way back there? No, DAMMIT!!!" Please explain

.... uhh... see... the joke is... ha ha.... that I make women so dry that they literally have a desert in their.... hole... and the desert is so hot, dry, and desolate that I can see a mirage deep inside... ummm....

Put it this way, if I was any worse at sex I could be a housebuilder in Ontario

111) May 31, 2009 11:54 PM... Factor said... Hyatte me boy, this has been a qualified success! Are you at all worried/excited about the "don't get it's" coming back? Are the unwashed lurking? Will we get to enjoy the carnage?

I don't worry about anything here. I'm God here. I can delete/erase/moderate anything I want whenever I want.

Lots of people are lurking, most people never post comments, even anonymously. And I'm quite sure 90% of them bathe regularly.

What carnage? Ship has sailed, my friend.

112) June 1, 2009 2:16 PM...Anonymous said... Without lying... how many different sexual partners have you had?

Over 20 years... 21 now... NO, 22... in the high 30's low 40's. I tend to be monogamous, even with flings and short term things. I also go through hot patches and dry patches.

And if you count activity in various bus stalls... well then we're deep in the 70's, my friend... DEEP... boom boom pow

And I'll call it an evening here. Talk to you tomorrow.

*********

113) June 1, 2009 3:45 PM... Anonymous said... So how old were you when she went? How did you handle it?

I was 24 and I handled it like a champ. Didn't cry or anything. My mind was nice enough to put up mental walls to let me deal with it, so that I never missed her, and to this day I still really don't.

I don't miss anyone after they go, it's a strength.

114) June 1, 2009 4:35 PM... Anonymous said... What should a respectable professional in an office environment do when he sharts his pants in the middle of the day?

Take a sick day and cite massive diarrhea. I love using the ol' diarrea excuse, I try to get it in at least once a year, especially when there is a change in management so I have a new boss to run all my true-blue excuses through.

And who couldn't use a day off to chill and watch Ellen and drink beer all day?

115) June 1, 2009 7:14 PM... Anonymous said...

PEOPLE IN THE PLAAAAAAAAACEEEEE
IF YOU WANNA GET DOWNNNNNNN
PUT YOUR HAAAANDS IN THE AIRRR
WILL.I.AM DROP THE BEAT DOWN

DODODO GOTTA GET THAT DOO DOODOOOO

Song of the summer... CD of the year drops next Tuesday.

Hi Kitten.

Speaking of which, check out the video For I Gotta Feelin' right here. Fergie's ALL slutted up and looking awesome with her dark hair. Song is a bit lame, but that bitch looks GOOD for 33.

116) June 1, 2009 10:37 PM... richardrh said... hogan and vince....madmen or misunderstood geniuses?

Neither are mad or geniuses, just opportunists. Vince's problem is that he has no way of reading pop culture anymore. Hogan's problem is that he's too old and stiff to do ring work anymore, and putting his family on TV has backfired in a MAJOR way.

117) June 2, 2009 7:23 AM... Patricia said... So I forgot, momentarily. Way to overreact.

Sweetheart, it's so much more than just that it isn't even cute anymore.

You come find me when you decide to stop being such a c-word. And then maybe I'll start writing first again. In the meantime, what's one less AIM window on your screens? You'll barely notice I'm not there.

118) June 2, 2009 1:18 PM... Anonymous said... Tumar Unmebalsac?? Bwaaa haaa haaa haaa!

See! SEE??? THE WIT IS STILL THERE!!! Youjusthavetolookalittleharder

119) June 2, 2009 1:21 PM...Anonymous said... If you knew FOR SURE that there was no god, and after you died, that would be it.... would it change your approach to life?

I have no idea. Sorry, but it's not something I dwell on.

120) June 2, 2009 1:42 PM... The Man said... Why is it that women like to make men suffer?

AH, because we like to make them suffer too. It's the person, not the gender.

Deep down - and really not that deep - we all like to give our egos a charge. Having power over someone and being able to make them happy, make them sad, piss them off, and drive them crazy is... like... the ultimate.

The trick is to be aware that he/she is pushing your buttons and deal with it accordingly. Some of the power is taken away when you know he/she is doing it for a reason.

Still, if she refuses to stop being a bitch, you gotta cut her loose.

121) June 2, 2009 6:24 PM...Anonymous said... who would win in a fight a gorilla or a kangaroo?

A gorilla, but it would take a LOOOOOOOOOONG time because he won't be able to catch that hopping bitch... but once he corners it, its over.

Please, give my throbbing brilliance a challenge.

****************

Quiet weekend. So I thought I would enjoy it and chill here.

I am on my 8th beer. 3 beers from a local brewery... BLUEBERRY Ale... and 5 Miller Genuine Draft. I love beer so clear I can read a newspaper through a full bottle.

Jesus, I just erwealized I opened a bottle and drank deep while having a halkf drunk bottle still undrunken. This calamity will be redctified about 3 seconds after I type this sentence.

Done and done. Now let's see what you rotten bastards have to say.

122) June 3, 2009 1:31 AM... Anonymous said... OK, to the guy who has the copy of the Edge episode one on CD-R; now that Hyatte's given his permission, rip away and upload that MP3 file onto the net and post said link to it in this blog please.

Yeah, get to it sambo... only I'm alowed to make promsies I have no intention of keeping. Her too, but she's history.

123) June 3, 2009 8:37 AM... fbintx said... you have made it clear over the years that your mom has been deceased for quite a while. you have also painted a not-so-rosy picture of your relationship with her. that could have been schtick, though.

Yeah... YEAH!!

Ahhhhh... mom wasn't so bad. She had her bad points but generally was a good ol' gal. Got along well with all my friends and girls. Had no sex drive, tho'... after my father was tossed she displayed zero horniness... never dated. Nice cans... I saw them once when she didn't hear me come down the hall. Solid C's. Droopy.

My neighborhood was weird... guys liked to get naked and prance around our yard late at night while she watched TV, Another guy climbed a tree to spy on her in the bedroom. Problem was, the branch broke and he fell and hit the ground... fell a good 16 feet too. She swears she heard him bark in pain before scampering.

This was no MILF, by the way, just a nice, easygoing lady. Her favorite swear was a tie between "Fuckface" and "Peckerpuss". I think I need to use "fuckface" more often... what a great word.

124) June 3, 2009 9:51 AM... Anonymous said... Can I touch your pee pee?

Goodfella?

125) June 3, 2009 11:21 AM... Anonymous said... <<< OK, to the guy who has the copy of the Edge episode one on CD-R; now that Hyatte's given his permission, rip away and upload that MP3 file onto the net and post said link to it in this blog please. >>>

I checked my CD collection here three times over to make sure, and it turns out my CD-R of that show is in storage about 300 miles away (dammit). I will be heading back there in the coming weeks and will upload it ASAP. Sorry for the wait, thought I had it on hand...

Take yer time, fuckface. We ain't going anywhere.

126) June 3, 2009 11:53 AM... Guido Gus said... In what ways would your life be different if your mom hadn't died? I'm sure you've thought about that...

I have no idea, I'd still probably have much of the same philosophy.

127) June 3, 2009 11:59 AM... Ned said... "In what ways would your life be different if your mom hadn't died?" He'd be getting laid more, that's for sure.

I'm getting laid PLENTY, thankyouverymuch.

She's caught me masterbating 5 times... 3 of those times within the same week. She always would have a look of disgust on her face before walking away. One time I went nuts and started following her with my crank in my hand, "IT'S JUST NORMAL SHIT, MA!! STOP TRING TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE I JUST BUTTFUCKED THE DOG!!!"

Right about there I knew it was time to find my own place. I was 22. I moved out when I was 24. This was not the most noble move on my part.

128) June 4, 2009 11:23 AM... MiCasa said... I'm amazed you're still around.

.........

Okay... errm... this appears to be legendary IWC icon, MiCasa: aka Mike Samuda.

Samuda was a huge internet reporter waaaaaaaaay back in the late 90's because all he did was write what Melter said and wrote on his hotline and newsletters... but this was before Meltzer even dreamed of starting a website. Samuda later joined "The Rick" Rick Scaia (cocksucker) for "Wrestlemaniacs". Then Samuda, who made no secret his intent to become a lawyer, passed the bar and left the IWC forever.

This... is probably a fake, some poser just having some easygoing fun... but in case it is the REAL Mike Samuda... who I actually LIKED even during my worst period of Internet Hooliganism...:

I'm amazed you googled my name and found this! And why is it so amazing that I'm still here? You're boy, The Rick, is still around too only I managed to CHANGE MY GAME SEVERAL TIMES!!! That little bitch is doing the same bullshit he did 12 years ago!

ANyway, I'm glad you're reading. If its really you... ahhh, I'm glad you're reading anyway, even if your a fake.

I'm glad you're ALL reading. Especially if you have a pussy. And a good attitude... and love me. Lots of you bitches don't love me at all. Just users.

BLAHHHHHH....

3 beers left... I'm going to watch Ice Road Truckers

On Tuesday, Fergie Ferg shows us how to get it DONE!!

***********

Well, so far the burning question of the day is... Will I. Am? 4 realz?

129) June 4, 2009 1:49 PM... Anonymous said... "You know what bothers me about Mike Awesome? He wrestled that Jap at the first One Night Only PPV. During his match, all the WWE wrestlers in the balcony collectively turned their backs on him and the match and wouldn't turn around until it was over. No one mentioned this before, during, or after. No newsletter writer commented on it, and no one online as far as I could tell. I mean, I know why they did... but I find it strange that the act was ignored."

- Why did they turn their backs on him? Because of how he left ECW in lurch as the reigning heavyweight champion for WCW?

Well, yeah. I realize this. He blew off some unspoken locker room code of honor or something. I was just wondering why it went virtually ignored.

And boy, the investment paid off for Bischoff, didn't it?

I'll always hold a special place in my heart for the first One Night Stand. If only for the damn near kayfabe breakling shot of the WWE guys clowning around in the balcony. Kurt Angle taking off his shirt and looking completely zonked. Edge spittaking when Heyman screamed, "I got two words for ya! Matt FUCKING HARDY!!" JBL not quite laughing when Heyman said, "The only reason you're the champion on Smackdown is because Triple H doesn't want to work on Tuesdays!!" (and I recall reading that Vince himself was a bit shaken up when Heyman said that too.)

Oh, and the wrestling was good too... I think... what was the main event again?

And of course, the BEST part was....

130) June 4, 2009 2:47 PM... Moonage Daydream said... Because they are/were WWE zombies who believe everything Vince McMahon has ever spoon-fed them ('pecially that bit about them being valued employees). Vince preached that (W)WW(F)E was the only worth while wrestling ever and that everything else was utter and complete shit...until he wants the audience to buy a DVD set high lighting some other company. I bet that none of the WWE guys in the balcony that night gave a shit about the Awesome/ECW title thing. I'll also bet every one of those guys were told to make the show look like shit because it wasn't shoving McMahon-approved stiffs down the audience's collective throats.

Naaah, not at all. They aren't WWE zombies, they are WWE Robots who have to be very careful with what they say in public or on the record because they get paid, many of them very well, by a company that wants to present a certain image. They also have PR people who accompany them to every interview to make sure the topics don't venture into the wrong waters.

Don't forget, the roots of pro wrestling were grounded in territories. A wrestler could work one territory for a year, work every concievable angle and make as much money as possible, then leave and join another territory as a fresh face against fresh opponents playing to fresh fans.

I doubt any WWE wrestler today wouldn't want two or three wrestling companies running if the pay was the same.

And the show was good. The WWE boys in the balcony helped play up the old ECW "rebel" vibe they always had

Hi Moonage! Nice to hear from you, baby!

131) June 4, 2009 2:59 PM... Anonymous said... Do you like it when a girl sticks a finger inside your asshole, or does it just freak you out?

Oh I love it. They freak out because I always try to fart when they pull it out.

132) June 4, 2009 9:13 PM... Tito said... The devil sounds a lot like John Cleese. I wouldn't be surprised if they are the same.

No, this guy was stockier, with full head of hair... sort of Hispanic looking.

And really, if the Devil DID turn out to be Hispanic, would this come as a major surprise?

*********************

133) June 5, 2009 12:45 AM... Anonymous said... If I remember correctly, I think they did turn back around during the match. The only reason I remember that is because I laughed every time JBL made an ooh/ahh sound after every hit.

hehehe...he knocked the Meanie around hahahaha! He had a good night.

Wonder if the blue M&M still works at that porn house.

And that was one of the best things about that first ECW show, watching JBL smack the living SHIT out of the Blue Meanie.

If you have the DVD or the show on tape, then you know you've watched that bit 100 times already. Meanie was wiggling his fingers at Layfield, being sure to keep at least 5 guys between them. And you saw JBL get darker and colder under his cowboy hat. Then they started brawling and Layfield just PUNKED that boy for a good thirty seconds.

Meanie had been on JBL's shitlist for years prior. I remember him doing an episode of WWE's old internet show "Byte This" some time ago (so long ago that he was still in rowdy cowboy character) and he just went off on goofing on Meanie for a good 5 minutes, talking about his porno girlfriend and his stupid hair and his fat ass.

Isn't just strange how JBL spent years poking fun and bullying all these guys and yet little old Joey Styles was the one who knocked him on his ass.

And, of course, Meanie was so dumb he marked out for himself and wrestled a Smackdown match with JBL and went over, thus eliminating any shot at a lawsuit and WWE money that he could have had. Possibly could have used it a while ago when he needed a lung transplant, or something.

Meanie, meanwhile, I dunno if he still mops up pervie cum at porno shop stalls, but his girlfriend dumped him, he gained back all his weight, and he is so much in love with the Howard Stern show that he hangs out with Stern staff members and pops wood whenever anyone mentions him on the show. He also shows up at "wrestlingclassics.com" from time to time and usually offers very little in terms of opinions or insight.

Good message board, the wrestlingclassics.com. Very old school talk, sometimes really dumb, really deep old school talk, but they run a tight ship and there is no flaming allowed.

134) June 5, 2009 8:51 AM... Professor Stat said... Latest monthly searches... why the 411?

chris hyatte
drunken talkative
dave scherer is a douche
hyatte mop up 411
hyatte mop up
hyatte hyatt mop up 411
talkative drunk
johnny carson "gina statutory"
"cholent and p"

Ahh, Widro. Don't you have anything better to do? Is Inside Pulse still around even?

Why the 411? Probably because Jeff Small keeps mentioning my name and his readers quickly google my name and 411 to try to find my old columns and see HOW ITS FUCKING DONE.

And... urrm.... people read this and want to go back to a time when I used to be... y'know... funny.

135) June 5, 2009 10:53 AM... Anonymous said... You've slept with 30 or 40 women?
Dude I'm as old as you and only been with 7!!!!! You are officially my hero.

That's a lot? Doesn't feel like it. I know guys 10 years younger than me who say they've doubled that... and I've seen them "at work", they have the game to pull it off.

30-40 women over the last 20 years isn't too impressive. I mean, I'm fine with it, and scoring girls for the sake of bragging rights is something that you get very sick of once you hit your 30's.

136) June 5, 2009 2:29 PM... Anonymous said... Which would you prefer to be with, a 10 in looks but a 5 in bed, or a 5 in looks and a 10 in bed? (I'd go with a 10 in looks and a 5 in bed. That way I'd still get the massive ego-stroke of being with a 10 -- and when she inevitably loses interest in fucking me, I can take her clothes off while she sleeps and have something HOT to jerk-off to.)

You answered your own question, BUT... being with a ten gets you access to OTHER tens. Once you have that stank on you, other girls of a similar level will notice.

Remember that "Seinfeld" episode where George dated a 10 for a little while, and he got into the really hot girl clubs and was scoring, then she dumped him and he lost the picture he had of her so he resorted to carrying a magazine photo of her and was tossed out of the clubs? Same deal.

ANyone can get any sort of girl they want so long as they want it bad enough... join a gym... keep the skin nice... lease a new car... do well at work and make lots of money. Success breeds confidence, confidence breeds desireability.

Of course, 10's require a much higher level of maintenence too. Keep that in mine.

I guess I'd go with the 5/sexual bobcat.

137) June 5, 2009 4:18 PM... Anonymous said... OK - lets get all IWC for a minute...

How do you make TNA a viable alternative to WWE... not just general stuff either, how would you do it?

You seem to be like the rest of the world that really dug wrestling, has an understanding of it, but can't stand it now.

So how do Jarrett and company jump on the downturn for the E and make themselves into something more than WCW 2.0???

Brother, if I knew I would've submitted my idea to TNA and tried for a job. In fact, if I knew how to bring WWE back to being cutting edge, I'd submit my ideas to them too.

First of all, Jeff Jarrett wouldn't know new if it possessed his guitar and started to sing for him. (and yes, I ALMOST made a joke about possessing his dead wife and making her come toi him all zombie-like, but I'm a calmer man these days). Dutch Mantel... Dutch Mantel??? He's been around almost as long as Jerry Lawler... what does he know about The New?

And Vince Russo... well, he's calmed down over the years, possibly because he isn't running the show anymore and I will guess a lot of his ideas are shut down or re-written to fit the current product. I pray to GOD he has calmed down, at least.

And Dixie Carter? All you really need to know is that she got mad at her people because they couldn't find Vanilla Ice to hire. This is in the year 2009. Yes, someone still cares about Vanilla Ice but unfortunately, that someone runs the only competetion to the WWE.

Really, TNA's problem is that they are desperate for immediate results... more so then the WWE. Only they would hire Adam Pac Man Jones for 6 months but not be able to let him wrestle. As crazy as McMahon is... he isn't hiring ANYONE who can't perform.

Wrestling, right now, is being run by people with no vision whatsoever. WWE. at least has the excuse that they are making enough money with what they have and anything crazy new might rock that boat and backfire. TNA has no such excuse... they just don't have anyone who can think about the next big thing.

Kurt Angle was their best shot... and they booked him well... and he's still one of the most versatile performers in the world... yet they can't build around him... oh, they've scored some of their biggest ratings and I assume Spike TV is happy with them.... but he's not going to do it alone.

Nash is done. D.O.N.E. It's sad to watch him work now. He can't move. The Silver Fox era only heightens that sad fact. Steiner is a relic from 10 years ago. Booker T only works well when he's booked extremely well (his wife added about 6 years to his career... and that hilarious "royal" accent only works with a crown on his head.

And Sting... I watch Sting and I can almost see him mentally count his money as he works. Ironically, he's so proud of never having signed with the WWE, even though one has to shudder when thinking about how much money he could have made there, especially since he owns the rights to his gimmick and name.

Still, TNA does have a ton of potential. AJ Styles is still one of the better workers out there. The Beautiful People are an outstanding Heel girl act. Samoa Joe is a star, and Mick Foley is finally found inspiration again. He's better then ever.

But, break it all down, its still a southern rasslin' show... who thinks hiring a hot girl who won a Survivor show 8 years ago and did NOTHING since is going to push them over the top.

138) June 5, 2009 4:20 PM... Anonymous said... Dude you go with a 5 in looks and 10 in bed...Your ego boost from the best sex you ever had is way better than one of your dumb ass friends hitting on your girl behind your back. If she is average looks but can fuck like a champ - you'll be a happy happy man.

I always liked it when my dumbass friends hit on my girls, tho'.

The final analysis: Get the 10's when your in your 20's... get the 5 who will cook, clean, dote, and crazyfuck in your 30's... cuz they want to settle down and you ain't gonna do much better. In other news, the grass is green, water is wet. All this and more from Hyatte's Blog of the Obvious!

139) June 6, 2009 3:02 AM... Anonymous said... if you could punch anybody in the face living or dead with impunity who would it be and why? also did you watch the showtime show brotherhood?

Dick Cheney because he more or less masterminded the reason why my country is in such a fucking mess, and he won't stop trying to justify his actions and knock our current leader who is just trying to clean up his mess, Michael Lohan because his daughter is only slightly less pathetic then him and he's trying too desperately to stay famous for doing nothing, Ron Spector because he clearly needs it, annnnd... umm... no, can't think of anyone. I HATE these things.

Never watched "Brotherhood"... never will either. Am I crazy or does all Showtime do is steal stars from old HBO series? I think, when pitching a show to cable, it goes "Okay, HBO turned us down, FX turned us down, AMC turned us down, USA turned us down... let's try SHOWTIME!!"

140) June 6, 2009 4:29 AM... Anonymous said... I always had an idea for an endangered species king of the ring tournament, tiger vs whale gorilla vs bald eagle etc overall winner gets to survive as a species, animals have to EARN our respect!

Brother, meet a Tiger while traveling through the jungle. Meet a whale while sailing a boat, run into an Eagle while climbing a mountain.

Respect will be a given. Especially afterwards, if you live, and you're back at the hotel room trying to sneak your brown stained pants pasr room service.

I mean, really... even an army of ants can eat you alive if they wanted.... with machine-like precision.

141) June 6, 2009 11:09 AM... Dick Cumstain said... Regarding your visits with Satan, what happened on the cruise ship? (On a side note, I used to BEG Satan to visit me. I figured if Satan exists, then God exists - and learning FOR CERTAIN that God exists was worth meeting Satan. But he never came. Not once.)

Not much. Just woke up with a tremendous sense of some presense in my cabin with me, and it was so terrifying I couldn't move. I had the ship Pastor throw me a blessing the next morning and that was the last time this happened.

If it sounds like I'm downplaying this, that's only because it happened a long time ago and I'm just relating a life experience. I do not understand it, it doesn't haunt me, I am not a secret born again Christian. It is what it is.

142) June 6, 2009 1:18 PM... Anonymous said... Hi Chris, long time reader of yours. Remember when you talked about your cousin? The one who was an absolute ass with his mother. You said you would make him pay one day for what he did. Well, did you make him pay?

I punched him in the face once, And because its clear he's scared to death of me, he doesn't come around the neighborhood much to hassle my landlady (who is his Aunt), which makes me the hero of the neighborhood. One girl brought me cookies in gratitude.

He's in and out of jail alot now. Like now he's in. He made it to that level where there's enough of a record on him so the cops now don't listen to his bullshit and haul him away at every infraction. I sort'a feel bad for him, actually... but a cokehead is a cokehead and all they do is use you to get something.

They never stop lying, either.

143) June 6, 2009 1:41 PM... Anonymous said... My God, has anyone here ever had sex? You know, in real life, as opposed to in your tiny little minds?

I'm sure a few of us have. Not sure about Anonymous studs who feel an OVERWHELMING desire to make silly comments like yours.

144) June 6, 2009 6:42 PM... Factor said... Great analogy with Meltzer. You never see Joel McHale taking on Leno, he knows his place.

Heh, you said 'grandstanding.'

I learned my lesson with using that term.

Heh, she did like that. Milked it for a while too.

But, you're still here, she ain't. Be proud.

More tomorrow... unless we can all use a break.

**************************

Okay, since Scotsman board is so boring, and they can't seem to keep any female posters, and Scotsman is now officially BEGGING lurkers to post something, the little losers are coming here to spread some gayness.

So I'm going to moderate comments for the foreseeable future, until they get tired and move on. You're done, you little faggots, its over.

If this means less comments, so be it. My enormous ego can handle it.

***************

145) June 6, 2009 8:54 PM... Anonymous said... what's the worst thing you've done to someone in both real life, and online?

Hmmm.... online, posted Bob Ryder's phone number, put an actual bounty out on Tony Schiavone's kid, drove Sean Shannon insane simply by making fun of him, THIS, allowed a troubled girl to think we had a future before dumping her very coldly (not you, sugar, someone else), ummm.... I think that's it.

In real life? I took a crap in some kid's car after we threw him out of the nightclub and he ended up swimming in the Providence river. Scared the crap out of one of my mother's best friends by breaking into her house not once, but twice. Maybe a few other things, but nothing too severe.

146) June 7, 2009 12:45 AM... Warren Peace said... "So, of course, I'd stay up late and watch Carson or something..."

Alright, I was all ready to chew you out for this and make an ass of myself... something along the lines of "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKITY FUCK FUCK!" Then I realized that you meant the GOOD Carson, the old Carson, not the MTV douche. So it's all good.1

"Well, one morning, I was snoring away, and the radio alarm was working, and I was managing to snooze through it, when... I think I was twenty when I had the dream."

Funny how this type of thing tends to happen when we're (half) asleep, huh? Listen, I've had VIVID, 100% REAL sensations of falling while inbetween consciousness, but ya don't see me blaming it on the ghost of Daniel Benoit (HA! The kid died!). You're too smart for this shit, it's depressing. The thing about following our own emotions is: they tell us what WE want to know.2

The greatest trick the Church ever played was making the world believe in devils. Now every scary-ass dream translates to potential $$ in their pockets. The world needs to put aside these childish things.3

"I never wondered what Stryker's sexual preference was (and for Chrissakes, who would?)... but now I guess we know."

And OF COURSE, the guy's a hardcore Republican. Given the choice between Palin and McCain, Your Teacher would be itching to re-enact the senator's stay in Vietnam, Larry Flynt-style. Guy was always pissing off Bradshaw, too... right outside the showers. Weird.4

"Deep down - and really not that deep - we all like to give our egos a charge. Having power over someone and being able to make them happy, make them sad, piss them off, and drive them crazy is... like... the ultimate."

The best definition of "love" I may have seen yet. That's it, folks, and you'll be better off if ya don't forget it. Things will always makes sense.5

Damn, I'm a cynical fuck, eh? Ah well, most people come into my line of thinking. If they live long enough.6

Had to bust out the FOOTNOTES so we can keep track.

1: Why for the love of Christ would anyone stay up to watch Carson fuckdickulous Daley? There's a reason they bypassed him and gave Jimmy Fallon the 12:30 slot.

2: I wasn't half-awake or waking up. I had the dream and tore my ass awake dead in the middle of the night... it was 3:17 am. I had gone to bed around 1:00ish. This was no lucid, on my way awake anyway dream. This was hardcore smack dab right in the middle of a deep REM action.

And I never dealt with this sort of terror before in my life. What sealed the deal for me is that it never revisited me after those few occasions. Like I said, my Mom was sort'a blessed, and I caught the aftershocks.

But I know its tough pill to swallow. I don't mind anyone's insight.

3: Nah, the greatest trick the Church ever pulled was making us feel spiritually pacified. The provide hope... now whether you buy into it or don't, false hope is just as could as real hope if needed.

And if you want to throw a few bucks in the collection plate, why not... priests need to eat too.

4: I don't watch ECW so I can only assume Stryker is as good as everyone says. I'm just really pissed at them for making such a considerable effort to get rid of Jim Ross. Something's weird about that Kevin Dunn, how he has this fetish for bland, conservative, young white guys with deep voices. I wonder if Todd Grisham knows what Dunn's cum tastes like... wouldn't shock me if he did.

5: No, simplified, the best definition of love is to want to spend the rest of your life with someone, and be completely happy... without sex. If you can deal with that, it's true love

6: Nah, they think your full of shit, they're just too polite to tell you so.

147) June 7, 2009 8:44 PM... Your Conscience said... Long time listener, first time caller.

I'm really suprised that you believe in the Devil, Hyatte. Because you can be amazingly cruel and vicious in your online persona. Or at least, you have in the past.

I could never be as vicious and as cruel as you, in part because I fear the consequences. If there really is a God, He probably wouldn't want me to dedicate my time and intellect to injuring people and making their lives more painful. Wishing death and harmful outcomes to people and all that.

How do you justify that? Ever worry about any Dinive consequences to all the shit you've pulled?

By the way, I buy the Devil, I don't believe in Hell. Lake of fire, tortured souls, worst fears at all times... I think Hell is just the absence of Heaven. Denied access.

Anyway... in my mind, and because I rose and fell just before the Internet became as part of our life as a phone or television... (in other words, before people figured out a way to sue one another over Internet things and before the whole freedom of speech issue was worked into things... basically before the politicians became involved), I wasn't REALLY hurting anyone. I was just using words. I was just making fun of people. Just being a bully, an asshole.

And really, all I did, all I do, all most of us do online is cut promos on people.

My good deeds, my good SOUL, counters all the bad... people who know me know I am a good soul.

148) June 8, 2009 12:09 AM... Anonymous said... Well maybe this is therapy for ol' Hy8. Maybe he does this online like instead of paying a shrink to talk too.

Whatever it is - how is this any different that any other form of made up entertainment?

Hyatte isn't really hurting anyone - he's just goofing on their online persona.

And we all know that all the people on the net that write anything about themselves are really just middle aged, balding, men who can't get their jollies... hey wait.. I just described all of us and Hyatte

I tell ya', I used to feel so fucking good after writing the Mop-Ups... all that anger just vented out. I was the happiest Janitor in the Industrial park... and those toilets ALWAYS had an extra gleam on them tuesday afternoon!!

I was more interested in tearing apart the arrogance that guys like "The Rick" or Dave Scherer projected... or the utter rigidness that Wade Keller has (the man has GOT to be a closeted homo). People always said I was this arrogant, ego-manaical tool... no, dickheads, I knew I was just a dumb ass column writer who knew how to be funny... I was tooling off on those guys who REALLY believed their shit didn't stink.

Brother, I'm bald, not balding. If I let it grow I would have a FULL head of hair... with... umm... just a little patch up front that went radioactive and no crops can grow anymore.

One day I'll draw a picture.

149) June 8, 2009 6:26 AM... Anonymous said... http://whosslammingwho.podomatic.com/player/web/2009-06-01T13_46_57-07_00

thoughts on?

I haven't listened to it. Give me the nutshell and I'll decide if I want to hear it. I already think I'll hate it.

Why do this wrestling podcasts have to have stupid fucking names and why do the hosts have to have lame-fucking handles? Why can't John and Larry host "Wrestletalk" and NOT use Death Metal as their fucking theme song?

I swear, not an ounce of fucking originality in this wrestling fanbase. I sometimes think most of you fans really are inbreds.

150) June 8, 2009 10:07 AM... Amy said... Hi Chris, what do you think of people being something they're not... like super-stud, acerbic, quick-witted and BELOVED on the internet... but sad, fat, quiet and lonely in real life??

June 8, 2009 10:07 AM...Amy said... Hi Chris, what do you think of people being something they're not... like super-stud, acerbic, quick-witted and BELOVED on the internet... but sad, fat, quiet and lonely in real life??

I'll do something crazy here and NOT play dumb and let's just go into it as a rip on me.

Amy, I think someone who is clearly a MAN because women wouldn't bother asking this who posts under a female name and is too stupid to NOT double post even though it is very hard TO double post here really should look into HIS own issues before using that not-quite-razor sharp intellect to assess or assume about mine.

Furthermore, in 11 years of writing I have fucking NEVER "put myself over" (and I only use wrestling terms so you can understand) as a super-stud... quite the opposite, in fact. And enough of my work is still online for evidence.

Continuing, I am quite 'acerbic" in real life, and you think the wit shuts down when I open my mouth? I read... a lot... did a Book Review segment for years and ALWAYS tried to put something new and different in there each time. I have a vocabulary, I am articulate in real life. I have a wit and sometimes, it is quick.

And another thing, BELOVED might be pushing it... read the comments below... the haters have arrived.

Lastly, I am not sad, I try to run 3-4 times a week and never under 2 1/2 miles, I love to hike... how the fuck can I be fat? Someone at work told me that if I hit the gym hardcore I could have Brock Lesnar's body. What kind of body do you have, dude? Super faggy skinny or Cartman fat??

Quiet? Well, yeah. I'm an introvert. Why not.

Lonely? Not for years. I'm alone, just not lonely.

In short, not even a nice try. Grasping at straws, my friend. Problem is, I've been at this and dealing with you people for waaaaay too long to be even the least bit bothered by it. Show me proof that you know who I am and then we'll talk.

And, as proven time and time again, its always best I leave after a good ol' fashioned chew-out. Have a nice night.

***********

151) June 8, 2009 12:23 PM... Will I. Am said... BOOM!

U'd B surprised who reads this shit

THX for plug

Will I. Am.... Black Eyed Peas... wha?? How?? WHY???????

Even if this is a fake, it's a good one. Imean, who would think to fake post as Will I. Am?

But, if it gets you some jollies to see me act like some big time famous pimp music producer/flo' runner actually said what's up... well, I do strive to entertain.

Anyway, fuckit... you never know who likes wrestling, and goddam I was a good writer on it.

ANYWAY, bro', you're an amazing talent, and have a great sense of humor. You know how to be goofy in videos... to fuck around.

And when Will I. Am says the B.E.P's are going for the new... I didn't think it was just hype. You got a vision.

BUT... I don't care about that. When Fergie's bohunk husband gets caught banging Asian club tramps, and she dumps his ass. Could you put in a good word for me with her. No, dude, for real... Super successful women dating low rent commoners is all the rage these days. Look at Julia Roberts!

Hook it up. Send her my way. I'm real good with high maintenence celebrity girls. I know how self-absorbed they can be. I can make her happy. Do it up.

And between us, you know that marriage ain't gonna last. The toaster you bought them for their wedding's warrenty won't run out before they're done.

And you can hire chaperones for the first date. just get her reading this shit. She'll fall. Bet.

Anyway, I'd wish you luck with your CD, but you ain't gonna need it. They try to copy yo' swagga but you on the next shit now!!

And isn't it funny how regular radio has to edit "satellite radio" from your song? Ahhh, gotta love Top 40.

One love, my brotha' Peace... Middle East... lemme in on that Fergie Yeast.

152) June 8, 2009 1:47 PM... No Penis Provided said... Fuckin hell Hyatte thinks dreams are real. What a fuckin joke. Johnny was right

Okay, I'll play. Johnny who?

153) June 8, 2009 4:09 PM... Anonymous said... You ever take in the ass from a chick with a strap-on? You've alluded the the feitsh a couple of times, including a funny scene in the Taking of Triple H.

Nope... but under the right... with the right... with Fergie... umm.... NO... GOD!!

I liked that last little scene in that short story where HHH sheepishly asks Stephanie to put a strap-on on. It was the funniest way I could get her to scream, "Those fucking Canadians!!" and close out the segment.

154) June 8, 2009 9:39 PMDirtbag McCuntstain said... ok, you have a time machine, a ski mask, and a bottle of viagra. which historical icons would you go back in time and rape, and why? (please don't say cleopatra. i hate her.)

How about your mother.

I don't hate women. I don't want to rape any of them. What sort of piece of shit are you? Yeah, I'd jam your mother in her tight little poop chute just because she raised such a fucking loser.

No wonder the Scotsman just wants to blow up that message board and be done with it. Look at the little tools he has ended up catering to. He's GOT to be wondering how he ended up with this mess of wankers. He's got to.

155) June 9, 2009 1:24 AM... Anonymous said... you like rim jobs?

This is another one from that message board. The answer is yes, from a woman. Why? Because if you can get them in that area then you pretty much got them turned on to the point where they are pretty much out of control. That there is where the real fun goes down, when they stopped caring and are open to ANYTHING.

Doesn't happen much, to me at least. Girls tend to be more talk than action.

156) June 9, 2009 1:00 PM... Anonymous said... About a year ago I was dating a real bitch. Nice girl, but really opinionated about EVERYTHING and a total loudmouth feminist. One night when I spread her legs to go down on her, I saw little tiny wads of toilet paper wrapped around her pussy's landing strip.

I freaked out and YELLED at her to wash that shit out.

She stood up and started to cry, begging me not to tell anyone. She said she used the bathroom at work and they had inferior toilet paper. And the sight of her blubbering, with her panties stuck around her ankles, gave me the BIGGEST boner EVER!!!! In fact, I'm getting a woody just thinking about it now.

I ain't into scat, but DAMN that was hot!!!!!

Why do you think that was such a turn on?

And then, 22 hours later later...

157) June 10, 2009 10:20 AM... Lady J said... About a year ago I was dating this real douchebag. Guy was a total a-hole. One night he got drunk and kept trying to pleasure me with a roll of toilet paper. I dumped him right there.

He then freaked out and BEGGED me not to.

He stood up and started to cry, begging me not to tell anyone. Then, he removed his shorts to reveal the teeniest, most pathetic boner EVER!!!! In fact, I'm laughing my ass off just thinking about it now.

I ain't easily amused, but DAMN that was funny!!!!!

Why do you think he was such a loser?

See, what turned into a lame fake story turned into PERFORMANCE BLOGGING!!

I love it when someone gets sick of waiting and responds to their own comments under a different name.

**************

*********

You know, I didn't even notice, but apparently, MySpace has flatlined. It's officially become the dead zone and it's only a matter of time before they bury it good and proper.

I don't see Twitter lasting. Facebook might have legs. But if you're on MySpace, its time to abandon ship.

Wouldn't it be wild if using the TELEPHONE became cool again?!?

Ak, I'm old.

I needed these last five days off. We could all use the rest.

158) June 9, 2009 9:40 PM... richardrh said... Hy8, Who do you think is the greatest American of all time? You might think i'm crazy, but I'm going with Ronald Reagan. The movie star (well, somewhat) turned Governor, turned President who led us through one of the more fun times in our history and made us proud to be Americans.

Abe Lincoln. Hands down.

He was opposed at every turn. Crawled up the political ladder with only the voters on his side. Won the Presidency even though his own Party mostly hated him and they split into different factions because of it and the whole South split. He fought for every victory, and didn't compromise one bit of his soul to do it.

The South split from the Union while he was President Elect. His side of the war got its ass kicked during the first major battle. He took office In the middle of this he had his own "Bay of Pigs" incident with Britain where they were threatening to move in and re-take the land while it was so divided.

He Presided over the most brutal war in American history - everyone on both sides who died was an American, and this war turned into a fight to see who could fight longer without food or clothing or shelter, a pissing blood war of attrition.

All for a single reason, a simple idea, that all men were created equal.

And Lincoln spent his first term dealing with the Civil War, got himself re-elected, and just when the war was all but over, just when he could relax for a minute and really start doing some good with his country, someone blew his head off while he was enjoying a play.

And all because he wanted this country to be a place where all men were MEN, despite their skin color. Free men given the same opportunities here.

Plus, he was a REPUBLICAN!!!

And a WRESTLER!!

There would be no President Obama if it weren't for Honest Abe.

159) June 10, 2009 7:21 AM Anonymous said... Speaking of Reagan, how would you rate the Presidents of your lifetime?

Jimmy Carter:
Ronald Reagan:
George H.W. Bush:
Bill Clinton:
George W. Bush:
Barack Obama:

Jimmy Carter: Because he, like Lincoln, actually, won the Office mostly on the strength of the voters... who were all too ready to get rid of the last lingering traces of Nixon, and didn't have to give many favors to anyone, he had a LOT of enemies in Washington.

He actually had some great ideas, but he couldn't get any of his bills passed through Congress or the Senate, so he suffered for four years and the middle east got all uppity (you think Iran is a bunch of assholes now? You should've been around when the Ayatolla Khomeni was running things) and suddenly we were out of gas and lines for a simply fill up stretched for miles and we were out of money and jobs were falling apart and... AND.... it was a scene, man.

So Carter gets a lot of shit and he earned a good chunk of it, but people in power wanted to be sure he was a one-term President, and he was.

But these days, he builds homes for poor people, and is a distinquished man of respect.

Ronald Reagan: Was handed all those bills Cater tried to push through and put his name on them and pushed them through. He also freed the American hostages in Iran who were taken hostage while Carter was still in office. We had a solid four years of money making under him, and his Presidency ushered in the "Greed 80's".

Problem is, he was re-elected and started losing his mind once Alzheimer's settled in. Then people we never elected started running the country and things went bad for a'while.

This is not to say that Reagan was always a puppet, but he WAS an actor, not the best one but a decent one. He knew what to say and how to say it. Under him, America got cocky again. We were a bit beat up from the Vietnam war, but time had passed, we were staring down the Russians, Stallone was making First Blood Part II, and Rocky III and IV, were were getting bad ass again. It was a fine time to become a Patriot again.

And its shouldn't be a surprise that Hulk-A Mania was running at its peak at this time. See, this is when Vince McMahon had the pulse of his audience in his hand.

And then the Nuclear plant in Russia melted down and Russia needed our help and we became friends. Then Reagan's time was up and he only had one more job to do...

George H. W. Bush: Which was to get his Vice President, Bush the First elected, and he did with maybe the greatest specch ever heard at a Republican nomination convention. Bush's own acceptance speech was memorable too.

Then four years of.... meh. But Bush the First was a very good Foreign President. At home he was a bit of a pussy... and he ended his run with a nifty little recession.

Bill Clinton: Great President, left the country in much better shape then when he came in, really should have done more to blow away terrorism, but loved his job, was good at it, and might still be President today if they abolished the two the terms and out rule.

Lied to our faces about fucking that intern. That really burned him and would have helped Al Gore win the 2000 election by a landslide.

But we made a SHITLOAD of money during his run.

GW Bush: Well... out of all of them, he's the one I'd like to have a beer with. Stole the election, charmed us right all to hell, then let his people run the country right in front of him. Clearly, obviously was in over his head.

Obama: He's 6 months into a 48 month term. He's got a LOT of cleaning up to do. At least he's proactive.

160) June 10, 2009 11:35 AM... Hans Moleman said... So then what is your favorite Stephen King book?

Nothing was scarier than "The Shining". Nothing was more fun and action packed than "The Eyes of the Dragon". Nothing was more ambitious than "The Stand". I'm sure there are a lot more but I don't have his library in front of me and I've talked about him plenty of times already.

161) June 10, 2009 2:37 PM... Anonymous said... I'm in love with toilet paper, have a huge boner and need help now.

C'mon assholes- Hyatte's doing us a solid and this is the shit we are coming up with?

It comes in waves, dude. I take 5 days off and now I have plenty of fresh, interesting shit to wipe with.

Hey Porn Valley, is there a toilet paper fetish community out there?

162) June 10, 2009 5:03 PM ... Anon-E-Mouse said... I am deeply saddened to see that Lady J has obviously broken up with Flint.

I have no idea what this means, but its nice to see you folks amuse yourselves. This is what makes the blog work.

163) June 11, 2009 2:40 AM... Anonymous said... Alex Jones and people like him... your thoughts?

Anyone can say anything they want, so long as they aren't inflicting serious harm to anyone. And they can say it over the air, so long as someone is willing to pay them for it and others are willing to advertise with them.

Freedom of speech, my brother.

Nevermind the waaaay out there conspiracy theorists like Alex Jones, take someone like Rush Limbaugh. Now, its probably more for show, but Rush broadcasts out of a top secret, unadvertised location out in Florida. He is on the air 5 days a week for 3 hours a day... and he is a total filibuster. He's the one host I've ever heard who doesn't need to take a single phone call. He can just talk and talk and talk and talk non-stop, pausing only for commercial breaks... and then get right back to talking. It's quite a feat.

And he's been inspired lately. Everyone right wing has run to his show for the promises that their party has not been flushed down the toilet... that Obama is bombing... that the last 8 years weren't as bad as "The Media" has made it out to be. He's never been more popular.

And he has been bashing Obama since before the election. Obama has done nothing right. Obama is failing. It's not working.

And the examples he uses are smart, but I'm not sure if they are smart on their own or because of his own viewpoint. There is never any opportunity for a debate with a Democrat with Rush. It's all him, all the time.

But we need Limbaugh on the air, just like we need Fox News. There's got to be counter-pointing, especially now since Obama has embraced the media more than any other President before or since.

Okay, maybe we don't NEED Limbaugh on the air, but its good to have an opposing voice. It would be best to have a voice that speaks of the flaws and attributes of both sides fairly and equally but... well... what can you do.

164) June 11, 2009 3:48 AM ... Patricia said.... I remember grandstanding. Not that I read your blog anymore.

Do you remember how great things used to be? What happened to you?

And where do you stand on rimjobs?

165) June 11, 2009 7:20 AM... Hitler said... "C'mon assholes- Hyatte's doing us a solid and this is the shit we are coming up with?" Wait - you think he's doing this as a FAVOR?? OUT OF LOVE??? RESPECT???? HE'S FEEDING HIS ENORMOUS EGO, YOU JERK. Get with it.

Or just passing the time and having some fun. Either or.

166) June 11, 2009 3:51 PM... RS said... I'm toying with the idea of entering a serious relationship with this girl I've been seeing. My problem is that I've taken down A LOT of married women and chicks with boyfriends. I don't believe a woman can be faithful. Can they?

Of COURSE they can, you goober. It is NOT in a woman's nature to cheat on their husband. They have this nesting gene in their DNA which makes establishing a stable family life a priority, Some of them have it moreso than others, like how many women do you know who erase their whole lives the moment they have a kid and now devote 100% of their existence to their kid?

If you're scoring a married girl or one in a relationship, its because their man is not doing something right. He isn't satisfying her properly or the relationship is not what she imagined and now she's worried, bored, or unsure of things. So she cheats on him just to feel better about herself for a few minutes. That's it. She ain't leaving him for you, they never do.

And cybersex is cheating, for anyone who was wondering.

But truthfully, men don't have such a strong nesting instinct, we just want to fuck pretty much everyone. Us guys are a SHITLOAD more apt to cheat... with careless abandon and with very little guilt.

Look at it this way, all of you, how many of you know a guy who fucks around on his wife/fiance/girlfriend. Now how many of you know a girl who does the same? Oh, we all know at least one guy. Don't we?

But then... girls never tell. They aren't doing it for bragging rights.

167) June 11, 2009 10:48 PM... Anonymous said.... Women can be faithful but you gotta work at it.. Decide if you can live with her if she screws around on you - if you can weather that storm then you have a shot at making her faithful, if you can't, you won't. It's simple.

And don't think you can cheat on her for revenge. That never works. But if you can parlay this into a three-way with another girl... well, go for it.

Girls love a man with their hearts, guys love a girl with their bodies. If they give you their heart, they will never leave you, so long as you don't break it.
And keep in mind, you have to kick the ever living shit out of the guy she fucked on you. If he's a big guy, bring friends. But the fucker has got to go down. We all know this.

**************

168) June 12, 2009 11:21 AM... Bret Hart said... Have you always been a runner or did you have the late 20's "oh crap the weight doesn't just fall off me anymore" moment?

Always a runner? Not really. More like an off and on thing.

Almost twenty years ago (wow, I never realized how ling ago 1992 was until right now) I had this great late night route where I would split between running, walking, and high sprinting and also involved sneaking through people's yards and whipping through my old high school parking lot. I had it down to a 20 minute set, a 45 minute set, and a nice 90 minute set depending on how I felt. I could never do long distance on foot though, I just never could seem to break through the wind and the misery. I never actively tried for it either.

It's also fun to watch the wild life come out of suburbia. Racoons, skunks, opposums - they're all out there. Skunks are always fun to run into.

As for your question, it's more like "Ah fuck, Z don't want to stop eating all this shit but I better keep the heart strong and the muscles tight. As I close in on 40, I know I'm gonna have to lay off the shit. And the booze. Booze doesn't look good on you at 40.

I can't do much night running anymore. A 21 year old kid doing it at 3 am is fine. A 30 blah blah man doing it at 3:00 means an on-sight full cavity search.

169) June 12, 2009 6:55 PM Anonymous said... Actually Hy8 - I sent the Rim Job question in when I was really drunk and at the time it seemed funny - wasn't anyone from the Scotsmen board. Sorry dude. I like it and I got a lady that LOVES doing it but won't let me return the favor.

Its okay bro', turns out it was an important question that DEMANDED discussion.

Gee, a lady won't let you stick your tongue up her ass but will do it to you? Buy a ring, son... you ain't gonna do much better.

170) June 12, 2009 7:22 PM... tom said... rim jobs rule, that's a fact.

Yeah but... there are rules. You can't eat on rim job night. All you can do is drink, and on an empty stomach this means you'll get drunker faster... which means poor performance. She can eat, but only a little... and you want her nice and drunk for the festivites anyway.

Then pre-tumble, you need to shower and JAM that soap up there, get it nice and clean. If you have a hand held showerhead, it needs to go on pulse and you need to give yourself a colonic. The area needs to be clean. Then you have to get her drunk ass in the shower and have her do the same. Actually, this could be fun.

Really, love is love but nobody is going for seconds if they see brown stuff in there. And nothing ruins the mood more then a good fart. Sure, it's funny... but blue balls ain't.

171) June 12, 2009 11:20 PM... zeekarkham said...Hey Chris, Never thanked you for a book that you recommended. You wrote about Monster, which was a biography of a gang member in LA. I'm in the Gang Squad for the NYPD and read that book simply because you recommended it. On my job, it's actually helped me to connect with a lot of the kids we have to arrest for various gang activities and I've even passed it along to a couple of the kids that really do want to change.

Just wanted to say thanks, bro... You never know who your words are going to reach.

And thanks to YOU, my friend. You're out there every day dealing with some straight up slingers. And its a losing battle. Take it from 90% of us... we have no problems with you sticking plungers up some banger's ass. It's when Dick Cheny defends it is where we get all huffy. On the streets, its applauded.

And when I posted that review, a few people from L.A. wrote and told me that the book is practically required reading in the L.A. school systems. The guy wrote a very, VERY important book and I can't help but assume he's still sitting in solitary, completely unaware of its impact.

I wonder if they let him keep the money the book made.

172) June 13, 2009 11:25 AM... FLEA said... Yo. great stuff - especially 1:30 to 2:30
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvUfC2oFdxU

1975 called, Fleabag. They want you to come join the rest of us in wonderful 2009!

How was that Skynard concert anyway? Hyuck.

173) June 14, 2009 1:22 PM... Brother Love said... If u had to fuck a male wrestler who would it be? A tough "bear" like Arn Anderson or a smooth dude like Randy Orton?
Answering doesn't make u gay. Maybe just a bit curious.

Trish Stratus, of course. DUH!

Jesus, I thought it would be obvious by now, after all these years.

174) June 14, 2009 6:25 PM... Anonymous said... hyatteeeeeeeee, it's me. dropping by to say hi. doodoodoo.

What up, Summer :)

**********

Speaking of summer...

The first day of Summer was yesterday, which also happened tpo be the longest day of the year... AND Father's day.

And in the Boston area, it started to rain and WILL NOT STOP until this Thursday. Literally, a gray cloud of suck is on top of this region and its getting all nice and comfy.

and I just read that Phoenix, AZ, which is usually so hot that grocery stores have to stay opened 24 hours so people can shop at night when it's reasonably cooler, hasn't seen 100 degrees in so long it broke a record for consecutive cool days that was first set in 1913.

AND THERE WAS SNOW IN NORTH DAKOTA IN JUNE!!!!!

Global warming... don't harp on the name. Global cooling... Global Our Fucking Planet is Pissed at us.

Oh, and North Korea is about to nuke someone, possibly us.

If John Lennon had lived he would've shot himself by now. And he would have divorced Yoko. Better believe that happy crappy.

One thing I love about Father's day is that on every single local "Hip Hop" radio station (Jam'n 95.5 in Boston, where Romero the Freakin' Puerto Rican calls up station employees and fakes up some "jam scams" and his partner Pebbles steals everything Perez Hilton writes and claims it as her own gossip) will wish us a happy father's day.... BUT, the hip hop stations are the only ones who'll also add "and Happy father's day to all the fathers in prison!! We haven't forgotten about y'all!!!"

Always an amusing high point. Possibly because I'm the only person on the planet to notice this.

Anywhoo...

175) June 14, 2009 12:00 PM... Anonymous said... And what ever happened with your neighbor who complained about you walking around your place naked?

Yeah, so with the amount of beer I drink, as we all know, there is a lot of peeing that comes with the deal. And sometimes, late at night, because I live in a second story apartment and there is a shrub bush right below me and a sidewalk almost within reach....

I like to piss out the window.

Now, all that beer makes me wake up sometimes to piss (I've dreamt I had to piss and actually pissed in a toilet, then spent my dream wondering why I still have to piss before waking up, needing to piss.)... so sometimes I wake up very early uin the morning, needing to piss. Well, its COLD at 5:00 am in January and the bathroom is far, far away... so... you know...

And one morning, after pissing, I heard someone say, "Put some fucking clothes on!!"

Later that day, my embarrassed Uncle (landlord) had to have a talk with me. I made up some excuse about my parrot and his cage (I'll let you use your imaginations here) and promised it wouldn't happen again. Funny thing is... the neighbor didn't seem to know I was pissing... he just thought I liked sticking my wang out the window on a cold winter morning just for show.

I'm not sure which is worse... actually.

Anyway, I've been careful to keep my window pissing to the wee hours of the morning, but while still night out... and the green shrub has a lovely dead hole in its center where no green dares to show itself... and I have yet to reach the sidewalk.

One day, I will reach that fucking sidewalk!

176) June 14, 2009 12:47 PM... Anonymous said... Chrissy Whissy, Any bitterness that you never made money out of this?

No. No one gets paid out of this. How many times will you people ask me this question? And do you really expect me to say yes if I was?

177) June 12, 2009 6:14 PM... Patricia said... Damn, Cornette goes APE.

Yeah, why is he so angry? Some chick fuck with his head too?

So I was wondering if you made this comment BEFORE logging onto AIM that night and seeing my special message or did you comment here AFTER. Here we are, 10 days later and I have my answer. BEFORE. Then you saw the special message. Heh.

Be pissed at yourself, not at me. You can call me anytime you want.

Someday, you will ache like I ache!

178) June 14, 2009 10:39 PM ... Loverboy said... I was trying to find some of your Canadian jokes with Google and somehow I came upon an old thread at 411 asking where you were. Someone referred to me as a well-known Hyatte nuthugger, which begs the question: what do I receive for being a Hyatte Nuthugger?

So, someone over there thinks my balls are big enough for someone to hug them? Okay.

Listen, Loverboy... you don't need anything from me. See, as you WELL know... everybody's working for the weekend... everybody wants a new romance!! Everybody's waiting for this weekend!! everybody wants a second chance! Whooa... YOU WAQNNA PIECE OF MY HEART??? YOU BETTER LEARN FROM THE START!!! YOU WANNA BE IN THE SHOW!!! COME ON BABY LET'S GO!!!!!!!!

You also get a nifty waffle iron, while supplies last.

179) June 15, 2009 8:29 AM... fbintx said... I was on vacation. Did I miss anything?

Yes, some moron posted a comment in an older post and got mad at me because he thought I deleted it. I pointed out the error of his way and we all had a good chuckle at his expense. Then Greg Dillard did the same thing but I just moved the comment to the proper place. Oh, and I'm on the outs with Patricia.... again.

180) June 15, 2009 10:13 AM... Reddy said... Yes fbintx. If that's your real name. It's been all go here. Hyatte announced his real name to SHOCKED DISBELIEF... and also officially came out - he has a long standing partner called Juan. That was less of a surprise.

Nice thing about Hispanic assplay is you save hundreds on astroglide and other lubricants. Very greasy eses

181) June 15, 2009 1:47 PM... fbintx said... Ah schucks! I caught up now. Hyatte - do you really like the Black Eye Peas? Really? I saw them "performing" on the View (yavavava my wife was watching!!!) and it was a bunch of bouncy noise.1

Are we supposed to believe that these four got together naturally and write or perform any of their music? It's like the formula to a new soda. It's worked up in a lab and introduced to the public.2

I'll agree that Fergie is raunchy hot, but beyond that I see no redeeming value.3

On the View I think Tonto said that they worked through over 100 songs coming up with that album. Well my old Roland D-20 has 100 drum hooks and it's not that hard to come up with 100 variations of "Boom boom uhg uhg cracka lacky boom".4

I can't say that my taste in music is better than anyone else's, but at least I can differentiate music from noise.5

Went to SA and saw Shamu and ate Puffy Tacos!6

Footnoted for easier reading:

1: That "bouncy" noise can be heard in every dance club in North America, Britain, Australia, and parts of Hungary. The BEP's specialize in club thumpers.

And don't front, bitch. You watch The View alone and in your underwear.

2: No, what we are supposed to believe is that Will I. Am. (who, apparently, might read this blog for some stupid reason), writes the songs and the other four contribute.

3: Fergie Ferg is sick hot... with a Butterface. When you are a 33 year old former meth head, this is what happens. HOWEVER, her voice is insane and she seems to be able to alter it to fit the song. Plus she covers up her bad face and gonnagetfatsoon body by wearing HIGH end designer clothes and a rigorous beauty therapy regiment. Will I. Am is aso going to try to hook us up after she leaves that BoyToy husband loser of hers... I think.

Fergie can sing AND rap. She's pretty fly for a white guyurl.

4: Yeah, but, Francis... you DIDN'T put together anything on your old turntable... they did, and Boom Boom Pow turned into their biggest hit yet.

Look at it this way... ahem... PEOPLE IN THE PLAAAAAAACE... IF YOUN WANNA GET DOOOWWWWNNNAAA... PUT YOUR HAAAAAAANDS IN THEIR AIIIIARRRR.... FBINTX DROP THE BEAT NOW!!.....

.... see, doesn't work. You be rockin' NO beats.

5: So they ain't Foghat, not many bands are.

6: Puffy Tacos?? That's no way to talk about your wife, sir. Shame.

182) June 15, 2009 3:16 PM... Gray said... The black eyed peas were around before "Fergie." She sang backup on their first album, which you will see is clearly not soda-style fizzie pop. Joints N Jams is probably the best known song from their first album, and you can hear a woman other than the queen of Crystal Meth in the background.

anyhow, I suppose you would like a question:

At what age is it too late to try and be trendy? Tattoo, ear piercing, etc- My guess, 30's.

The Peas were around for a loooong time, actually... but they didn't hit it big until they went with the hooks and the dance beats. And Fergie is just... well, the conceit that a older white girl in a hip hop band with a goofy black MC, a Filipino, and a Mexican is just too much of a spectacle in itself to pass up.

And you know... she drives the fuckers crazy, she does it on the daily, they treat her very nicely, buy her lots of ices.

As for your question... tattoos are always cool, at any age. Harrison Ford ruined earrings as a mid-life crisis cure for all older men, and don't forget, George Clooney was around 40 when he started a whole new hairstyle... the Roman Gladiator look a few years ago.

It ain't what you got, its what you do with it.

183) June 15, 2009 3:28 PM... Juan said... It is true, Amigos! Christopher iz my one true love . He penetrates me like no other... mucho caliente! I so glad our secret is revealed. He also loves to piss on my face! Ay caramba! Thank you for supporting mi liitle bald fajita! Juan xxx

Ahhh Papi. Mi amore. I knew it was true love after I gave you the Dirty Sanchez and you walked around for a week with it and no one noticed.

Ironically, you showed me more affection with that one comment then the last girl I loved had for a full year.

***********

Suddenly, I am ten days behind!! Will have to post more often to catch up.

And for the July ongoing blog, I introduce my SUMMER CD LINEUP!! All new, all different, gay as all hell! Including shit from artists I never thought I'd EVER buy.

184) June 16, 2009 4:02 AM... Factor said... Any opinion on Chickenfoot?

Joe Satriani is one hell of a player. He and Nuno Bettencourt may be the best of the players from this general era.

Wonder where the the next guitar prodigy lies...will be fun to see.

Any summer concert plans yourself?

Nuno Bettencourt? More Than Words?? Get the Funk Out?? THERE'S A HOLE IN MY HEART THAT CAN ONLY BE FILLED BY YOU?????????

Sucks.

It took me a looooong time to forgive Sammy Hagar for ruining Van Halen (it was over for VH with "Balance"... which, after a steady progression of pussier and pussier records, they finally jumped the shark and abandoned their roots and became pop/top 40 sell-outs... basically following the Aerosmith game plan). Sammy could sing fine, but his lyrics were so goddam unimaginative.

How many times did you listen to "Panama" before it dawned on you that David Lee Roth was singing about a fucking hot rod?? Me, I had to let Dave himself clue me in on it in an interview.

Dave wrote FUN lyrics, twisted, pun-filled, creative stuff. Sammy wrote about some slut he bangs and called her "Poundcake".

That said, OU812 is the best Van Hagar record of the bunch. Then they went to shit.

But as I said, I'm older now... and last summer there was this huge all-day concert of country music being played at Gillette Stadium and featured NO ONE I was particularly interested in... Kenny Chesney, LeeAnne Rimes, Keith Urban, a bunch of other half-toothed cowboys... yeehaw.

But I almost went anyway, because Sammy Hagar was a special guest performer. I was like, "Awww, its Sammy!! Why not??"

Of course, I didn't go. I get bored pretty easily at these things. And I'm old. But I thought about Sammy Hagar and decided that he always came across as happy and kind and cheerful in interviews... and he's made a living off playing shows for about 25 years now, so he knows what he's doing. And he's always had brilliant white teeth.

And there is nothing wrong with keeping Michael Anthony working. He always knew his role and had the coolest male back-up voice in all of rock. And a mullet, does he still rock the mullet?

So, if Chickenfoot comes to your town, go see it. I bet they'll play "I Can't Drive 55" and you'll have a BLAST singing along.

The next great guitar hero is a dead concept. There's no more market in the music business for someone to re-revolutionize the form. Rock is dead, yo.

185) June 16, 2009 6:37 AM... Madonna said... Hi there Chris Hyatte!! International music sensation Madonna (TM) here... just wanted to drop by between buying children from Africa to say I really enjoy your writing and I've been a fan for many years!!

Keep up the good work, and if you ever fancy a quick f**k, let me know and I'll be right over, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. Madonna x

I just want to know what happens when "Mercy" walks in on you while that 22 year old Brazillian model/toy is busting his nut right in your ass?

You have to admire how "Madge" jumped right back into the young male slut pool right after years of being a quaint, British mum.

And no amount of lighting and makeup will hide her 50 year old, well-traveled face at 7 am.

186) June 16, 2009 8:37 AM... fbintx said... sorry, I guess I'm old... ugh...mid.. thirties... I feel old. Just wonder if they'll be around in a few years or are they Right Said Fred, milli vanilli, Criss Cross, C&C Music Fac, macarena, I would walk 500 miles, who let the dogs out, etc.

I'm not going bald, though. My wife has to pluck me often to keep my hairline from merging to my giant fuzzy caterpillar eyebrows.

Leftover stuff from our Black Eyes Peas conversation.

Brother, I know you're an old school rocker from Texas (That Meatloaf comeback will be any year now), but The Peas have ALREADY established themselves as a permenant fixture on the Hip-Hop scene... until Fergie leaves the band and Will I. Am breaks it up for good.

Remember 2006- 2007? Fergie's The Duchess didn't leave the top ten record sales for like... a YEAR. She blew up. She's here to stay.

And it's 1000 miles.... by Vanessa Carlton... and its a BEAUTIFUL song... "cuz you know I'll walk a thousand miles if I... can.... SEE... yooouuuuu..... if I.... can... HOLD.... youuuuu..... toniiiiiiiiiiiight." Courtney Love could take a lesson or too from this chick.

187) June 16, 2009 8:53 AM... xtnibf said... Hyatte

Over at the rasslin' section of a particular website with 3 numbers in the URL, all the columnists are creaming themselves as Mick Foley apparently made some comment as to their lameness. What's funny is, each and every one of them is individually claiming it was THEM that Foley's referring to.

Even to the extent of penning "open letters" and commenting as to what TNA should do.

Marks. Thank GOD you don't do that.

Well, what are they supposed to do? Ignore it? Then they look like pretentious tools.

Plus, it's not like there is a huge swell of material to dip into here. This is wrestling... three companies and one sort'a company and then nothing but Indys and Jap companies. Foley gave them something to write about... made them stars for about a week. They're dumb kids with nothing to say, really.

These days, its all graphics and pictures and youtube videos to pad up their columns. I went 100% text all the time. They know there aren't many people who can do that on a weekly basis and not be boring.

I remember when Matt Hardy gave a shout out to 411 and a similar meltdown occurred. At least its an upgrade.

********************

188) June 17, 2009 8:22 AM... Anonymous said... Strippers... do normal guys have a chance, or do you basically have to be a drug dealer/other criminal/asshole dago to get them?

Well, true love is true love... but... NO!!

Of course, since I have real live party studs reading this like Goodfella and about God knows how many different people posting as "anonymous" who can get any chick they want, I'll say its not impossible, but it is extremely tough. A longshot.

First, you'll never score a stripper at her place of business. They are trained not to look at guys as people, just wallets. Plus, girls in general don't think much of guys who go to stripclubs... why do you need to pay for simulated sex? What's your problem? Eww, I'll stay away from that creep.

Strippers are the same. They see customers as a paycheck, a wad of singles that need to be taken. Plus, smart girls with esteem usually don't work at strip clubs... they themselves usually have issues and baggage... and kids, lots of kids.

So, your typical strip club experience involves girls with horrible self-esteem being treated like meat by either a bunch of guys just being men or being treated like a Goddess by some older, sad, probably fat puppy dog guy who just wants to feel loved for about as long as the song lasts.

Your best bet to score a stripper is to try to pick her up in a club on her night off, or something. Never at work. Never.

Oh, and the asshole/criminal/drug dealer boyfriend scenario is more of a porn star thing then a stripper thing. Stripper boyfriends are usually just assholes who may know how to score some weed.

Still, its a dark world they live in. Prepare yourself, homie.

189) June 17, 2009 8:55 AM... Anonymous said... "Strippers... do normal guys have a chance, or do you basically have to be a drug dealer/other criminal/asshole dago to get them?"

Or Kevin Nash.

Ooooh, I believe the Silver Fox has moved onto cocktail waitresses and massage therepists. Big Kev likes to stay at home and rest his knees these days.

190) June 17, 2009 1:32 PM... Julie said... Hey Chris! Heard a rumor that Donald Trump bought RAW from Vince McMahon. Is this a joke or could this be real?

It's a work, pun'kin.

Was this really open for debate?

I bet Trump wanted ore money to continue the angle beyond a week. That's why they cut it short.

191) June 18, 2009 2:02 PM... Dillard said... For the record, I was never 'mealy mouthed'. When "The Edge" branched out to bring Hyatte on board I became the straight man. It was a format change, more or less. If anyone had access to earlier versions of the show in any of its incarnations my role was always to be the moderator of the show and the somewhat opinionated interviewer. When Chris joined the show we became a bit more "entertainment" and my role was simply to be the traffic cop for all the action.

Jesus... you're still around? Reading this?

Didn't this thing last about 3 episodes? You kind'a killed it before anything could be established.

So... you know... don't over-analyze the thing. It died pretty quickly. And I more or less sucked on it. I would'a fronted up to the table if I sense growth at all.

192) June 19, 2009 6:08 AM... Johnny Rodz said... Hyatte. I know you don't read that cumstain site 411 anymore, but because I'm a fucking moron. I still do. Look at this...
___

"Posted by Larry Csonka on 06.19.2009

Love Wrestling? Love 411? Write for us!

411 is looking for new writers for our Wrestling section! If you love Wrestling and love to write, we want you on our team. Your writing needs to be spelling and grammar checked, be easy to read, and be well organized. It takes time (often a lot of time) and work (often a lot of work). We take this very seriously and so should you. Don't apply unless you are serious and plan to stick around.

We also require images in columns, video if possible (embedding videos from YouTube or similar places would be fine), formatting to keep the column organized, (bold, italics, underlines, larger font for headers/titles/subtitles, colored font, and so on), avoiding "walls of text" by breaking up long columns with section headers, and, if possible, smaller sections to go with a main op-ed piece.

We're looking for…

We're looking for…

Video/DVD Reviewers - This would be a recap of an older wrestling show/video/DVD. You're free to have your reviews be more personality driven or more straight-forward. Please include formatting (matches in bold, images when possible, and so on). An example of a good wrestling video/DVD review is The Name on the Marquee.

Opinion Columnists - We're looking for a few new columnists who can provide a unique, creative, fun to read weekly column about wrestling. We strongly encourage your column to have a fixed weekly format or "gimmick" if possible. We don't want "walls of text," we want a unique format that includes images, videos if possible, headers that divide up the text, etc. Examples of wrestling "gimmick" columns are 411 Wrestling Fact or Fiction and Wrestling's 4R's. An example of a more straight-forward MMA column is If I Could Be Serious For A Moment.

Weekly Top 10 Column - We want someone to start a new weekly column that would center around a different wrestling-related top ten list each week. The top ten lists would be up to the author to decide. The author would then provide his top ten list for the topic he selected and provide detailed explanations of why he picked what he did, as well as honorable mentions. The more detailed and well-thought-out the lists are, the better. Obviously the further back your wrestling knowledge goes, the better, as it will result in more comprehensive lists that cover things from the past and the present."

____

This absolutely infuriates me! It's like they're encouraging more boring Csonka clones with awful writing and zero originality. They're WWE-ising their product, effectively. Your thoughts on this an ex-awesome IWC writer please.

You know what I like the most?

Where, Oh where in this pitch... this Help Wanted pitch... is the promise of payment?

How much is 411 offering to PAY for this sort of professional work? How much money is all this effort they are asking you to provide worth? Zero!! Free labor, kids!! You can be famouys like Jeff Smalls and you can write for a place where the ghost of Chris Hyatte STILL lingers!!

Ashish has been running this site for longer than I've been around and he STILL isn't making any money? He STILL demands people work for FREE??

HA! The more things fucking change....

***************

193) June 18, 2009 5:22 AM... Hans Moleman said... Agree with you about "The Shining", by far my favorite Stephen King book. Though, a very close number 2 is "Different Seasons" - any thoughts on that one? Just some great storytelling by King. "Misery" is another favorite. Recently re-read "The Stand", didn't think it was as good as I thought it was when I first read it in high school (15 years ago or so)

What other 'popular' authors do you like?

Dean Koontz - thought he was great until I realized that every book was about some government conspiracy

Tom Clancy - everything up to "Executive Orders" I like

John Grisham - not so much

Dan Brown - fun, but forgettable

Diff'rent Seasons had three remarkable, top-shelf tales, and one clunker. It's the one case where the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" was just as good, if not better, then the book.

"Stand By Me".... umm... it was good but.... Corey Feldman... yeesh.

"So what, you gonna shoot all of us?"

"No Ace... just you." Kapowee.

As far as The Stand goes, it was his... 4th book maybe? Carrie, Salem's Lot, Christine, The Shining,... FIFTH book... and while all of his previous books were pretty straightforward with one or two major characters and a bunch of smaller players with fairly simple plots, this was a 1200 page nightmare with LOADS of major players and GOBS of subplots all that had to revolve around, then collapse into one major story about Good vs Evil.

.... and okay... the payoff, with a big lightening bolt (Finger of God) hitting a nuke and blowing up Vegas... okay... sort'a silly. And as cool as Flagg was, did we really get a sense as to who he really was and what was the scope of his powers?

As for your other authors:

Dean Koontz: Never liked him as a writer. His plots always seemed to neatly wrapped up at the end. The REAL story of Dean is when he went from bald to having a full head of hair and NO ONE EVER ASKED HIM ABOUT IT!!! He also apparenlty has MAJOR Father issues... but who doesn't?

Tom Clancy: WAAAY too clunky a writer with WAAAAY too many characters in each book and WAAAY too involved with cutting edge military technology which is good if you're into that, but not so much if you don't like flipping through 300 pages to figure out who any given character not named "Jack Ryan" is.

John Grisham: I actually did a three part "Book of the Week" thing on him. There are three Grishams - the good, the bad, and the sermonizer. The good Grisham writes these crackerjack page turners which have no real weight to them, not exactly thought provoking, but fun enough so you have to keep turning the pages, no matter how late it is at night. The bad Grisham is when he does non-lawyer stuff... SAAANOOOOZE FEST!! The Sermonizer is when he wants to teach us something... whether its about what Italy is like, or how great sobriety is, or how even homeless people deserves a good lawyer to protect their rights. When Grisham stands on a soapbox, you want to burn the book. When he just visited the Amazon and wants to tell you how wild it is, you want to wipe your ass with the pages.

But when he has a story about three jailed judges running a blackmail scheme... or a young attorney who goes to work for a Mob affiliated lawfirm... or the rise and fall of a Tort Attorney, there's no one better.

Dan Brown: never read him. Never read a si9ngle Harry Potter book either, but that won't stand.

194) June 18, 2009 8:26 AM... fbintx said... I agree with Mr. Moleman. Get back to talking about books.

Know you disagree, but I just can't read King. His style doesn't agree with my brain, although it's been years since I tried, please suggest ONE of his books that would help me change my mind.

Larry McMurtry (the best)

James Lee Burke

Kerry Newcombe

Zane Grey

Louis L'Amour (early stuff)

Elmore Leonard

I'm stuck on westerns and historical fiction.

One King book? Grab one of his short story collections: Night Shift, Skeleton Crew, Nightmares and Dreamscapes, Everything's Eventual, and one new one still in hardcover... something midnight. This way you can try him out in small doses and see if you can groove into his style before committing to something heavy.

Not into westerns, really, but you should give Robert L. Parker a shot. He writes the Spenser series of Private Eye books but once avery couple of years he digs into a good ol' fashioned western. Very good reads.

As far as non-fiction goes, there's something called "A Piece of Cake", about a crackhead black chick who turns her life around and becomes a Lawyer. Good stuff.

195) June 18, 2009 10:35 AM... Porn Valley said... Dude, there is a fetish community for EVERYthing out there. BTW, I think that Lady J/Flint thing is a reference to G.I. Joe.

Books:
George Pelecanos (he wrote for The Wire, so there ya go...)
Joe Lansdale (most diverse living writer still working)
Chuck Palahniuk's Haunted (likely the most scathing indictment upon not only the culture of celebrity, but the pretension of writer's workshops)

For EVERYTHING? Even snotty, arrogant, high-end yoga instructors?

G.I. Joe... I left that series 100 years ago when Marvel started making Snake Eyes into the next Wolverine.

The magic of The Wire was that all they used were well-repsected, a-list crime writers. This was not a typical cable TV series... this was literature on screen.

I gave Chuck a shot, I really really did. Choke was shit and Invisible Monsters was just a mess. In fact, I'd say Choke was mostly his editors begging him to writer another Fight Club, but not the book... write a book like the MOVIE Fight Club.

I give the guy a lot of balls tho'... not everyone has the nuts to write a book based on guys waiting to participate in a porno Gang Bang.

196) June 18, 2009 2:58 PM...Anonymous said... Moleman is fb-thingy is Porn Valley.

busted

No, NO, NOO! I know fbintx... he's been in touch with me for years. I know porn valley because we've talked through e-mails and he has info on things no one else reading does, which makes him invaluable to me. I don't know Hans Moleman tho', he is the enigma... the mystery.

However, if anyone noticed this... it seems that the poster named "Stewie" always posts ONLY after "Patricia" posts... so either Patricia IS Stewie OR... Patricia has herself a stalker.

Me, I don't even know if she still has a Facebook page or Myspace anymore. I stay away from that nonsense.

197) June 18, 2009 4:11 PM... Anonymous said... speaking of book reviews I loved that one you did about the ultra runner and how he ran through the insane, bread toasting heat..some people are insane but also need to be praised as having the guts determination to do what us mere mortals cannot

I liked that book, even tho' the guy wrote a lot of sappy bullshit about playing with his kids immediately following a 300 mile marathon, (yeah, RIGHT!!!). He DID admit on talk shows that he probably has some extra special genes that make him able to run non-stop for so long.

His knees will be junk in 20 years... so don't be TOO envious. He'll be in a wheelchair before long.

198) June 19, 2009 12:45 AM... JesseBaker said... Hey Dillard! It's Jesse Baker! Nice to see you pop into the blog! PLEASE tell me you have copies of "The Edge" on your computer and will upload them up for us to enjoy. INCLUDING the last episode, which was you and Hyatte shooting the shit right before X-Mas....

Jesse, I love ya', but.... those shows were just not that damn good. They were BORING... and again, there were... like... THREE of them... maybe four.

And one of them involved me allowing Scott fucking Keith to talk over me... ME!?!... WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING???

Not the highest point in my "career"... which is why you never hear me bragging about it.

199) June 19, 2009 9:36 AM... fbintx said... Anonymous said... Moleman is fb-thingy is Porn Valley. busted

I am who I am. I've never posted here anonymously or another name.

Yes, there are a few readers here that read books. Some of them are pretty cool, you should try them.

And believe it or not I don't partake of porn. I find "a little left to the imagination" to be more attractive than seeing everything.

And don't most pornos have penises in them? I can do without seeing that.

But if that's what float's PV's or Hyatte's boat, what do I care?

f 411, who cares?

Easy Frank, someone's just have a little fun. I like you're contributions and wish more people would more frequently. All that matters.

There is TONS of porn that just feature girls... not a cock in sight. But if for anything else, porn can teach you a few things, show you a few new tricks you might not have thought of.

And you'd be amazed at how many girls like to be thrown around... hair pulling, light slapping. Not all of them, and unless they are total pigs, there has to be a LOT of trust built before going for it... but when the mood is right and everythings working... well, porn can show you how its done.

200) June 19, 2009 9:57 AM... Anonymous said... Dude, you're pushing 40. You have no kids. No family entanglements. No live-in girlfriend. No real ties to your current life.

SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!!

Why not take the plunge and try to become the next great American writer? Or even just a well-paid writer? Why not submit your work to different mags or papers, or do PR work, or pitch story ideas in Hollywood? Or try to land an agent? Or write your own material & try to become a comedian? Or do SOMETHING?

I love ya, man. Have for years. It just makes me kinda sad when I think of you wasting your talent like this. It would be like a guy who can throw a 105 MPH fastball spending his best years sitting in an office somewhere... because he never really gave it his all to find out just how good he could be.

My GOD!!! I just figured out who Hyatte is!!! You're the Susan Boyle of writing!

I'll help ya get your foot in the door if you're interested. Lemme know.

...... Well... umm....

First of all, this might have more of a personal impact if you signed it. "Anonymous" usually means you are too much of a pussy to back up your words. I'm cool with total privacy and I will NEVER eliminate anonymous posting... but it comes with a price.

Second... here's a little secret... I'm not that good a writer. I'm decent, but not GOOD. Oh, against these IWC assholes I'm the best, but that's like winning gold at the Special Olympics... great, but some normal, clear-headed 17 year old normal kid will outrun and outjump me anytime.

Third: I've studied the book industry... they ain't hiring, and today... with the economy the way it is, books are selling less and less... there's like, no chance for me... yet, if ever.

And fourthly... just so everyone understands, I like most of you and love a few of you but I have never made a friend of the internet who has NOT let me down. Every single person reading whom I have laid down a drop of trust, or opened up to IN THE SLIGHTEST has BOMBED when it comes to living up to their promises. All of you have fucked me, in one way or the other.

I don't trust any of you rats.

***********

201) June 19, 2009 4:02 PM... Hans Moleman said... I am certainly not a Porn Valley! perhaps a Porn Island or Porn Isthmus...! and I was merely trying to branch conversation beyond the standard wrestling and vagina topics (not that I mind reading about either, but it never hurts to diversify)

Oh BAH! Check out the whole month here, we have covered EVERYTHING.

Nothing but diversity in this blog lately.

Thank you all for that, by the way.

202) June 20, 2009 2:12 AM... Anonymous said... Check out Austin Magazine and the back page written by Dale Dudley...Tell me what you might think

I think that, since they don't seem to have an online publication, I'm not about to fly to Austin Texas to pick myself up one just to read the wit and wisdom of some inbred named "Dale".

203) June 21, 2009 1:44 AM... Gordon said... Thanks for writing all this business, Hyatte. I never comment, but I'm home drinking with only my crazy-ass cat for company, and it's good to have a momentary distraction here and there. Something to keep from thinking too much. Just so you know, amidst the douchebags, it's appreciated, man.

Oh I know. I know I'm still doing a TREMENDOUS servive for all of you. It is my curse.

I never owned a cat. If I did, I think I would need one of those bad asses who I let out at night, let him roam and fuck around, then let him in in the morning where he can chill and sleep while I work, then come home and let him out for the night again.

Unfortunately, Jake might not like spending all day in sheer terror as the cat just stalks around the cage staring at him.

204) June 22, 2009 9:18 AM... Dillard said... Jesse Baker :I have the Edge audio somewhere. I honestly think that was 2 PC's ago at this point. Come to think of it I can't believe that piece o' crap Compaq had enough hard drive to store all that Real Audio. If I get around to it I'll boot that thing up and copy everything onto a flash drive.

I'm concered though buddy...I can't even remember all the episodes of that show we did...how can you?

Yeah, in other words - don't hold your breath.

I can remember because I have a razor sharp memory. I also have a mnenomic trigger where where you dropped the show so fast and so out of nowhere that it stuck with me.

205) June 22, 2009 2:53 PM... Scorpio said... Hey Hyatte

The pissing dream is pretty common. It's your brain's way of trying to fool the body into believing you've relieved yourself so you don't wake up... brain craves sleep!

You're pretty lucky though. 3/10 cases actually piss the bed. Studied all this way back, happy to solve your dream based puzzles if you've got 'em.

I know all this. The brain gets pissed if its rem is interrupted and it FIGHTS TO STAY AT REST. I was just explaining how I piss like a raceforse and how my poor shrubbery is paying for it... and how I am traumatizing my neighbors.

It would be AWESOME if your parents really did name you "Scorpio"

206) June 22, 2009 3:53 PM... Anonymous said... Clearly you're a drinker. Ever try pot? Like it? Ever spent a whole weekend smokin' 24/7? How about coke, ex, Vicodin, or anything else? Got a good hangover cure?

Oh I tried pot a few times. Then one night I came home all baked and cooked myself up a monster pot of spaghetti. I'm talking 2 boxes, a huge package of beef, sausauge, and three jars of sauce...

at 2 o'clock in the morning!!

And ate HALF OF IT IN ONE SHOT!!

Was sick for days afterwards.

I'm not touching pot no mo'.

I tripped out on acid once. Never did coke, but know a few girls... and only a fucking dumb motherfucker would try heroin. I floated high for a night after finding some old percocet that my mom had, but I could see how addictive those painkillers are and stopped.

Nah, I'm a liquor type of guy. Not opposed to grass, wouldn't have a problem with seeing it legalized, but it's not my bag.

207) June 22, 2009 4:00 PM... Anonymous said... Chris, What are your thoughts on Iran and the way the population has reacted to election? What would you say to the Iranian Ayatollah? The President of Iran? The Students? Looking back over the ten years or so you've been at this, how have you matured as a person? As a writer?

I think I'm more concerned with North Korea right now then with Iran, but it's always cute to watch a country try to have free and open elections while openly and clumsily rigging the votes without even trying to hide it. Sort'a like the Republicans did in 2000.

I would kindly ask the Ayatolla, the President, and the students not to burn me at the stake while wrapped in the American flag in front of CNN cameras. I would also ask where the white women at.

As far as writing goes, if anything, I've slowly but surely became more and more of a fucking pussy.

208) June 22, 2009 7:19 PM... Anonymous said... Now that there's a new Hart Foundation, will the late Yokozuna be made an honorary member to FINALLY show the world that not only did Al Isaacs not lie, but the man can predict 12 years into the future???

.... oh for... give the guy a break, he was fed information that... ugh...

Al posted every morning, AS WE HAVE SEEN OVER THE YEARS THROUGH THE COMPLAINTS OF GUYS LIKE MELTZER AND KELLER AND SCHERER.... Vince McMahon tends to change his mind at the last minute... several times over. So what Al reported was probably true, for that minute, then changed... probably a few times... over the course of that day!

His sources were good... Mark Mero would NEVER lie to Al, but he got heat because Vince kept changing his crazy-ass mind.

Why the holy hell am I defending a guy who didn't last all that long on the intraweb??

208) June 22, 2009 10:48 PM... Anonymous said... [05 Aug 2004|04:12pm]
"FRUSTRATING is when you really, REALLY want to gouge on that scoop of ice cream, and yet... tomorrow's skirt day."

(27 Jun 2009) 09:00am) "Russel is a toolbox with giant zits on his ass. Stop whining about him"

209) June 23, 2009 3:24 AM... Patricia said... I haven't seen a message from you on AIM.

Unblocking me might rectify that, but it's not a big deal. Since you obviously don't care to go heavy (or salvage this, apparently) and I obviously don't want to spend the time getting buried by youtube videos until you get bored and log off, we're at an impasse. So I'll just keep doing this blog and you can read it until we just drift further and further until we lose sight of each other. Or until you're ready to...

T'was a good run, kid... until you started to think you had me wrapped up.

All love, for the most part. XOXO

p.s. Get knocked up and I will wipe my mind of any memory of you.

""""""""""""""""""""""

Let's start off the last blog entry with something TOTALLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!

210) June 23, 2009 7:45 AM... Anonymous said... wasn't this the original ending to savage/steamboat at mania 3?

No, but it's how Pat Patterson unified the South American and the North American titles and became the first ever Inter-Continental champion in 1979 in Rio de Janeiro

No, BUT ITS HOW VIRGIL GOT A JOB IN THE WWF!!! KAPOWEEE!!

Maybe your idea is rigtht... it's sure funny. And now everyone is dying to click the link.

Oh, and no one saw this comment sneak in because you posted it in the MAY ongoer... and while I appreciate everyone reading the archives to catch up or RELIVE the hysterics... try to comment in the current place for comments. Anywhere else and chances are only I will read them.

211) June 23, 2009 10:09 AM... Zsa Zsa's Pussy said... Dead McMahon. ho ho ho ho ho ho ho

Not only did I get the reference but I got it so quickly that it didn't occur to me until just now that it's a fucking MONSTER obscure and OLD reference. And I got it in a snap!! Fuck me.

Waaaay back in the 70's, Zsa Zsa Gabor was on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and, just to prove that Paris Hilton has NO originality - Zsa Zsa brought her cat with her and kept it on her lap.

Well, the interview was going nowhere, and Zsa Zsa wanted attention, so she asked, "Would you like to pet my pussy?"

The audience rumbled, "OOOOOO" and things got real quiet... Johnny took a second to look at the camera (he was big with letting the audience at home in on the joke) and said, "I'd love to if you got rid of that damn cat!"

The place exploded, of course.

Not a huge deal today... of course... but in 1979ish... whoa.

212) June 23, 2009 12:28 PM... Anonymous said... I see your boy Will I Am has smacked Perez Hilton upside the head, after Perez said "Hyatte's a douche" on Twitter
HYATTE HAS POWERFUL FRIENDS. BELEEE THAT, BITCHES!

I like Perez, like the Black Eyed Peas... head is in turmoil. Perez is a gay guy who entertains me every day bedcause no matter how big he gets, he's ALWAYS updating his blog with juicy gossip and funny pictures.... and he hasn't lost a lawsuit yet.

Will I Am... is going to hook me up with Fergie just as soon as she divorces her trophy boytoy. And then I'll help her write songs about ho's on the dance flo and how Canadian girls are stupid and chickenshit.

Hands down, I. Am wins!!

213) June 23, 2009 2:53 PM... Anonymous said... Yeah, but Hyatte IS a douche.

WHICH DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT!!!!!!

... anyway, I have to take off for a few hours. More later

*********

A few hours turned into 24!! Well, its the end of the month, lets plunk a nice cherry on June and then rest a bit and start it all over.

Here's something only one person will get...

I know you didn't block me, its just to get your attention. But Facebooking is just another step backwards for us (I'll repeat: BACKWARDS) and I won't allow that no matter how much you try.

Nothing there benefits me. Being one of your "friends" has ZERO APPEAL to me. Zero appeal. Zero. I've told you this a hundred times already. You never listen. Is that everyday with you or just with people who don't really care aboot?

And fucking email me!! Why should I "blink" when all you do is log off abrubtly like you're flushing a toilet after wiping?

Appreciate the reach outt. I know how it is to keep missing someone more and more every day. Its called passion, something you've never had for anyone before me. Must be confusing.

You can call me any time. Texting works too.

214) June 23, 2009 1:11 PM... Anonymous said... will.i.am versus Perez Hilton?
Who YOU calling a faggot?!!! So what name or epithet should a man be legally allowed to slug another man if called?

The N-word. For white guys, I dunno... we usually let everything go. Sticks and stones, et al.

Hilton is trying to ham it up, tho. Did you see the photos he took after getting bitchslapped? The glum, sad, HEARTBREAKING, "I was just trying to have fun and look at what they did to me" look on his face?

Don't forget, Perez Hilton pretty much blew up from the moment he started his site... he went from nobody to world famous in just a few months... and he's a drama queen gay... not a drop of butch in this kid... unless someone named Butch rode him barebacked. His ego is probably monstrous.

And he's always going on and on about gay rights, and keeps a running chart of which states are allowing gay marriages, and bitching at Obama for not snapping to on this (like the guy doesn't have ENOUGH problems already).

So now the lawyers are involved, and he's not saying anything anymore about the BEP's or, sadly, Fergie. Well, so long as Linday Lohan is still going apeshit... he'll have material.

And Britney Spears is due for her second meltdown any time now. Plus he's all over the Michael Jackson case... so he's got material.

You do what he does for a living, and attend these functions with the same people he goofs on.... well... you're gonna get bitchslapped. Comes with the territory.

He's probably cocky.... having never lost a lawsuit will do that.

215) June 23, 2009 2:53 PM...Anonymous said... Yeah, but Hyatte IS a douche.

Well... yeah... it isn't like I have grounds to sue for libel.

216) June 23, 2009 4:31 PM... The Man said... Any thoughts or comments about Gorilla Monsoon?

Yes. "Hanging from the rafters!", "That'll give you a negative attitude.", "STICK A FORK IN HIM, HE'S DONE!", "He's a fountain of misinformation." "He's got short arms and deep pockets.", "Highly unlikely!", "Nice watch, I wonder who he whizzed that off of??" and, of course, "WILL YOU STOP!!"

With a more cynical, smark ear, I like to watch old WWF TV on Classics in Demand when they show house show matches to kill time on Prime Time Wrestling. Whenenver some loser is in there, Monsoon and Lord Alfred Hayes will talk about how much muscle mass he put on... how he "rededicated" himself to the job. And Gorilla will inevitably say that he clearly wants a few more checks in the WIN column "And pick up that winner's purse."
All of it was code, of course, for juicing up to try to get a bigger push... as if Leaping Lanny Poffo had ANY shot at that.

If you listen carefully, Gorilla Monsoon ALWAYS threw in old school thinking into the current product... plus he never could keep a straight face when bantering with Bobby Heenan.

217) June 24, 2009 12:08 PM... Berrylicious said... Y'know... at the time I thought Monsoon was a joke on commentary. It's only recently I've come to realize he actually was pretty decent... managed to sell some good ol' fashioned rasslin' psychology, talk about the mindsets of the competitors, etc. Mind you he's no Todd Grisham.

Oh I HIGHLY DOUBT, dare I say it was HIGHLY UNLIKELY that McMahon needed to bark at Monsoon over the headphones. Gorilla knew EXACTLY what to put over and how Vince liked things. If he kept himself healthier he'd still be with the company today.

218) June 24, 2009 3:41 PM... Hateya said... Do you believe in reincarnation?

No, how silly. There is a all-knowing, all-seeing deux ex machina at the end of this play we call life who will give good people like me a spot in eternal paradise and THAT'S THAT!!! Sending your soul back, freshly wiped clean, and placed into the body of a.... housfly or a.... dung beetle or.... a sewer rat or a.... crack baby... that's just crazy talk.

219) June 24, 2009 11:15 PM... Anonymous said... How crappy was the NBA finals this year? Especially after the stellar playoffs...Bulls vs. Celtics, Rockets vs. Lakers, even Mavs vs. Nuggets. I guess if there's one thing that pro wrestling has over legit sports, it's that they will build and build on the excitement of a storyline all the way until the end (if it's well thought out of course). Dont'cha think?

Nope. I didn't watch the NBA finals but even a sucky basketball sweep (or 4-1 near shut-out) is better then a pre-ordained wrestling match.

Why? Because in order to get amazing moments like the Red Sox on 2004, The fall of King Lebron this year, the Patriots going undefeated UNTIL the Superbowl, The Jordan flu-game, Magic vs Bird, The Bad Boys of Detroit, and whatever goes on in Soccer that causes fans to tear the entire building down once every four years.... in order to be able to have that, you HAVE GOT to have blow outs and dead games.

Wrestling is great for special moments and surprises and well-done matches... but they are TV shows... scripted (badly, OH, SO BADLY)... but you generally know the outcome.

220) June 25, 2009 6:31 AM... Miche said... Dated 2 strippers never saw either of them work. But they partied hard. Very, very hard. Good times both were damaged though. One left me to go back to her boyfriend who beat the hell out of her on a monthly basis, the other fucked anything, anytime. Wasn't to surpised though, just like porn stars you just kinda expect most of them to be damaged somehow.

Yes but, son... how was the sex?

221) June 25, 2009 1:59 PM... Anonymous said... excuse me hyatte! i am offended by your last paragraph! i've always been a good friend to you. YOU LET ME DOWN WHEN I COULDNT CALL YOU ANYMORE! NO MORE UPDATES ABOUT KITTENS LIFE AT 2PM! :(

Yes, Kitten... you're right. You've been a wonderful friend. And I don't even want to fuck you.

But you take things waaaay too personally. "fuck off" indeed.

And I want to know about your life, I'm just not interested in talking about something that's been going on for almost two years now. I FUCKING TOLD YOU WHAT TO DO AND I AM NOT INTO REPEATING MYSELF 100 TIMES!! I already have a chick who I do that with.

You're the most mature "kid" I know, live up to that rep, PLEASE.

222) June 25, 2009 4:26 PM... stewie said... "However, if anyone noticed this... it seems that the poster named "Stewie" always posts ONLY after "Patricia" posts... so either Patricia IS Stewie OR... Patricia has herself a stalker" Interesting...I never noticed that. Believe me, it's a coindicence. Except for the "stewie take #100 again" entry in this post. That wasn't me. That was someone else. Looking at the timestamp, probably this Patricia broad. I would NEVER be up that early. Plus, I don't have boobies. The mystery remains!

Stewie, STEWIE!! There are lots of comments in this blog featuring you that immediately preceed Patricia's. Don't make me pull them all out.

I told you I knew who you were.

But, I like your mind and your sense of humor. Particpate more... because she won't be doing so as much. Split from the gimmick.

223) June 25, 2009 9:52 PM... fbintx said... michael jackson think he made the cut into heaven? and if so will he look like a black man or a white woman?

I think Farrah Fawcett (whose family must be PISSED Jackson came in and took ALL her post-life media coverage), went to the Pearly Gates, I think Saint Thomas told her that she has been SUCH a good person in her life that she can have any wish she wanted. She didn't take but a minute to say, "Well I ant all the children in the world to be safe and happy!"

So Saint Peter snapped his fingers and said, "Done. We just gave Michael Jackson a massive coronary."

BAZOOOOM!!!!!!

If there's a spot in heaven for self-hating homosexuals with severe daddy issues, MJ gets a throne there.

224) June 26, 2009 12:34 AM... Factor said... I hate it when infamous people croak. There are levels of fame, and this week has been an experiment, really. Farrah was hot and boring, dead and no one gives a real shit. Yeah she was a bitch, and a B Celeb at best, but she was HOT. MJ kicks the bucket, and he gets the HEADLINES. He has just proved, that mega stardom can forgive decades of debauchery. The man, by all accounts, might be the most detestable monster to walk the face of the earth, but the mother fucker did THRILLER.

We'll never know, and it doesn't really matter. He burned away early. 50, doesn't really sound 'young.' Not in a Greg Allman sense. But can you imagine how worse the freak show could have gotten? Shame on me for giving it that much thought.

The problem is you jumped the gun and posted this too early. Already we see the sordid details of his personal life start to ooze out. He'll get his WELL DESERVED send-off... he was a legend and a global spanning icon... right up there with Elvis, and Sinatra, and John Lennon... he deserves his tributes and send-offs.

But trust me, he spent a LOT of time with very bad people... the tales are already coming, more to follow. Someone will write the definitive book on his life story, but that won't be for a while.

See, professionals take YEARS to put a book together. Because their books are done RIGHT.

So far, the biggest scumbag is his own Father, who used his son's death to promote his record label. What a piece of shit.

And, judging by how weak Jckson was... I think, had he lived (and I knew he was never going to do all 50 London shows. I knew he would beg off after just a few), he would've quietly gone into reclusion, like he already was, just deeper and deeper. I don't think he ever molested a kid, but he was a lonely, sad, confused man. Probably happier where he is right now. By far.

225) June 26, 2009 12:48 AM... Anonymous said... Uummm...not to jump on your point, but there's probably a few people ahead of MJ who deserve the honor of "the most detestable man to walk the face of the earth." Hitler, Stalin, Cheney, Bundy, Dahmer,....the list goes on. Plus, I've never been an MJ guy, but remember he was never convicted of molestation charges.

Yes, he wasn't a bad guy, I don't think. He was just able to do whatever he wanted at a whim... but I don't think he ever wanted to hurt anyone.

Except his brothers, I just read somewhere thatb all his brothers were under his record label, and he NEVER released their music. Maybe it sucked and he was doing us all a favor, wouldn't surprise me.

And he did give a LOT of money to charity.

226) June 26, 2009 1:55 AM... Factor said... Aw, hell, I was really being tongue in cheek. Sarcasm isn't picked up well appearently. Read again, soaked in sarcasm. I was trying to be a prick. Sorry if you read preachy.

Sarcasm isn't picked up well? Umm, I have 12 years writing experience that says different, cowboy!

Speak yer mind, Factor. Don't sweat the after effects.

227) June 26, 2009 10:38 AM... Anonymous said... Hey Hyatte, any guesses on the first wrestling writer to try to tie in wrestling with Michael Jackson? For some reason, I'm thinking Powell.

Close, but it was one of Wade Keller's "Specialists" (they all specialize in COMPLETELY SUCKING) named "Valentino" who compared Jackson to the WWE in some way that I refused to read.

Luckily, its a Torch Specialist, so no one read it.

228) June 26, 2009 11:00 AM... Jason Powell said... "Hey Hyatte, any guesses on the first wrestling writer to try to tie in wrestling with Michael Jackson? For some reason, I'm thinking Powell."

POWELL'S POV: Great point here from Anonymous. I'm hackneyed and cliched enough to do exactly that. God, I'm so lonely.

How can you be LONELY, Jason? According to you, you have a LOVING girlfriend (mention her about 4 times a week), and a room FULL of friends during every Raw and Smackdown and PPV!! You're life, according to you, is one non-stop PARTY!!!

Luckily, no one realizes the simple credo that the more one brags, the less truth he's telling... except for me, who sits right here and never talks about friends.

Anyway, I LOVE this gimmick... keep it up. And yes, he is hackneyed and cliche. I like it when he does a report on a diva and his "POV" ALWAYS has something like, "I wouldn't mind seeing so and so in a bikini... or over my house... or shking her ass... hmm, hubba, hubba, I'm so hetero!! He does that all the time. Loves it.

229) June 26, 2009 12:37 PM... Julie said... Hey Chris! Sad news that Michael Jackson died. I have to say even with all the accusations against him and how absolutely absurd he was - I loved his music. He was truly a talent and a trend-setter. I'd love to hear your thoughts ... also - do you agree with the rumors that he OD'ed on painkillers? Love ya.

Yes, yes, and YES... but he hadn't set a trend in years. And it seems that he did go down after a loooong love affairt with the pain pills.

I think I gave lots of my thoughts up top, darlin'.

230) June 26, 2009 2:12 PM... Anonymous said... Julie = a dude. Probably Rinsa.

Hey Rinsa, how are ya.

231) June 27, 2009 8:49 PM... Kai said... "Every single person reading whom I have laid down a drop of trust, or opened up to IN THE SLIGHTEST has BOMBED when it comes to living up to their promises. All of you have fucked me, in one way or the other."

You first. And you're never on.

No, Kai... sweetie, I AM on... daily... and I told you EXACTLY when is the best time to reach me.

And I gave you my email address, which could be found at the comment posting section right beneath me here.

You know how to get in touch, so don't give me that crap. I would LOVE to talk to you, but you vanish for weeks. Either climb on the boat or go swimming back to shore.

232) June 28, 2009 9:43 PM... Anonymous said... Opinions on Tucker Max? I know he is a tool, but he took some funny stories about getting drunk, turned them into a website, turned the website into a NY times best seller, and is in the process of making a movie out of it. Shows that anyone can make it if they have the drive to do so. Thoughts?

Never heard of him until you just brought him up. Seems like he won the lottery.

I wonder what happens when he runs out of stories?

Me, i was never much of a partier... so I don't have these sort of tales.

And he seems a bit pretentious too.

And what's this "drive" bullshit? He lives in L.A. and someone offered to publish his stories into a book. I don't see any ambition here, in fact, I believe he even admits to just lucking into this.

1'000'000 blogs out there, one of them has got to catch on.

233) June 29, 2009 4:03 AM... Spooner said... Chris, I'm a lowly engineer for a radio station in London and we were covering the big Glastonbury music festival this past weekend. Black Eyed Peas were playing so I had to set up an interview with one of our DJs talking to Will and Fergie. This means setting up equipment and taking levels etc.

Once the interview was over I thought fuck it and asked Will if he'd ever read Hyatte. The answer? Yes! He said you were one "funny muthafucker"!! But here's the best bit..... I was still recording so have got it ON TAPE! (well on PC but you know what I mean)

Will post a link to the audio later in the week but couldnt wait to let you know.

Well that's very cool and exciting and I WILL go off like an asshole if and when you post the link.

But until you do, I'll just sit here and be skeptical. Too many people reading this can not accept the fact that I might have readers who are celebrities and like trying (TRYING) to bring me down. So get the link up, wanker. And then we'll see.

234) June 29, 2009 8:04 AM... Anonymous said... Wow, did you know that Keller is a legit fag and they adopted a baby?? Fuck. MATERIAL.

- From the only person who has a legit photo of you and who you hate right now.

Well, to start, you aren't THAT person... nor anyone else who has my picture.

And I don't hate anyone. Not even you, Gloomie.

Where... where did you hear this? Evidence please.

And even if its true, do you expect a 500 word blog ripping on Keller? Hey asshole, 1998- 2006 called... they want you OUT of their era.

Ugh.

235) June 29, 2009 8:05 AM... Anonymous said... If Will.I.AM or however the fuck you type his name reads this blog then I will eat Hyatte's poop.

Send me your address and, if the wanker does get it online, I will shit in a box and Fed-Ex it to you, and anyone else who wants to eat my poop.

Look at the timestamp. This poster commented one minute after the "One person who has a picture of me and whom I hate right now"... I told you rats from the start, if you're going to try to work me... do NOT comment back to back and THINK THAT I WON'T NOTICE!! I notice EVERYTHING... I remember EVERYTHING!!!

Jesus, some of you are true morons.

And this ends the June blog! Well done, everyone! See you in July!!

Your May Ongoing Blog

2009-05-24T18:04:00.000-07:00

I want to try a live action feed sort of thing.

You comment, I respond by updating and re-updating this entry regularly... like, daily.

You heard me. I said daily.

DAILY, Chucklehead!!

"Bullshit!" you say? Well, you're probably right, but let's see how long I can do this.

You keep commenting, speak yer minds, nothing off limits except don't, don't, DON'T try to get me to talk about any 411 writers.

I'm sure my answers will either be short or long, but I don't see me writing essays here.

Fire away. And we'll start off with a few from my ball cancer post:

1) May 12, 2009 10:30 PM...paul said... y'know speaking of sad sacks, I was just thinking today about how much I Loved when you would recap Dan Severn Matches using old Queen lyrics.

Yeah, that was a good bit. Because absolutely no one saw it coming, but once I started doing it everyone was like, "Shit, Severn DOES sorta look like a 70's fudgepacker!"

It's the mustache, of course.

And the remaining members of Queen... which means Brian May and his charity cases, showed up on American Idol during the finale and it totally bummed me out. Why did that asshole have to catch AIDS and die. The hell. Queen had SO much more music to give us. The jerk could sing ANYTHING. And they experimented with... EVERY genre. Christ, they even have one song that could be considered punk. (Take a guess).

Still maybe the greatest pure vocalist ever, Freddy Mercury. Should've sewed his a-hole shut. Deprived us of a SHITLOAD more good music.

2) May 12, 2009 11:23 PM... derek said... hey hy8, Here's a request...I've read a bunch of times where you mentioned how great wrestling is at keeping it's darker secrets or stories from surfacing. Can you mention a few that you might have heard over the years? Like the juicy dirt that only Meltzer would know, but never mention.

I have two. One being that Tammy Sytch was once knocked up by Road Warrior Animal and aborted the thing, (Candido was alive at the time). Another being that Rena Mero-Lesnar used to enjoy three-ways with Brock and Vince McMahon.

And, in general, most every WWE wrestler enjoys the cocaine, or has enjoyed it.

S'bout it.

3) May 14, 2009 1:49 PM... fbintx said... good point. never reveal your real name, but provide a detailed description of your scrotum. although, don't I remember you drawing some pictures describing a Jake-inflicted injury?

Funny how that works out, huh?

The lump is the size of a dime now, by the way. It's nothing. Dammit.

Ah yes, the famous (Flea hated it) Pinky Storyboard blog. Relive the glory right here.. I gotta do another one of those.

4) May 15, 2009 6:42 PM... Hyatte's ball sack said... I told you not to put me in that homeless dude's mouth. Bathroom stall love does not rule.

Brother, if you can find a more relaxing way to earn 50 cents, clue me in.

5) May 19, 2009 10:27 AM... Anonymous said... HA! I've just worked out where else I've read your stuff, "Hyatte". I know your game.

Drat. Did I cyberfuck you, too? Was I good? Please say I was good.

6) May 19, 2009 12:17 PM... Johnny The Cow said... Hyatte, You get one woman. Any woman. To spend the rest of your life with. No limits. Who would she be? Rihanna? Gloomchen? Rinsa? Chyna? Do tell.

I don't know, I haven't met her. It's not who you think.

But, since I know my audience like you know me, let's divide the choices into three groups: Actresses, porn sluts, Divas

1) Actresses: Probably Alyssa Milano. She's high maintenance but doesn't seem to get old. Might be just an awesome makeup artist on her payroll, but she doesn't seem to age a day. Plus she's a major slut who started "dating" an endless stream of Baseball players after going through most of the Hollywood actors. And I think she's hardcore. There are probably a few others, but Milano has been hot for, like, ten years now. And she's a big enough star but not big enough to stop being insecure. She knows she'll always be thisclose to not getting anymore roles.

She's GOT to stop cutting her hair short, tho'.

2) Porn sluts: Tied between Cassidey and Briana Banks... with Cassidey being fairly ahead.

3) Divas: Lita. She's wild, she looks good without makeup, and I still remember the phase where she and Edge would make-out on TV and... god DAMN she went for it. Nice change from the dead fish kisses we usually got when Creative tried to put together romantic storylines.

Of course, all the girls I listed would throw me away after fucking with my head for a'while, but I'm used to that anyway.

So there you go. Now let's try to keep this going.

Well that didn't take long...

7) May 21, 2009 2:36 PM... Anonymous said... Fun stuff. Do you still do the outdoor activities (hikes, walks, whatever) that you used to talk about taking? Where do you like to go?

I like to walk trails right around 4:00 pm. Yeah, there are a lot of old biddies waddling around, but you also get deer and coyotes coming out and wandering around. It's always thrilling to turn a trail corner and run into a wild coyote or watch a pair of cotton tail dears bound off.

I don't do trails nearly enough. Work and a fantastic, superhuman laziness are factors. It's a nice way to clear the mind and soul too.

8) May 21, 2009 2:43 PM... Anonymous said... Longtime fan. Ever read 'The Game' by Neil Strauss? You seem like the kinda guy who'd love it if he got into it...but would hate the idea on paper.

Isn't that a movie with Michael Douglas playing against type as a grumpy millionaire? Badass movie. Watch it again for the scenes with Sean Penn and watch Penn VERY DISCREETLY hide a smile as he watches his brother flip out. Subtle acting that doesn't try to draw attention in the scene. That's wha happens when you have professionals on the job.

And you gotta love a movie that ends with Jefferson Airplane's "Feed Your Head".

No, I didn't read the book.

By the way, loved Star Trek , but walked away pissed because the movie reminded me just how bad the actors were on the original series. I mean, Nimoy was solid, Shatner wasn't Shatner yet but he was certainly planting seeds... but Uhura, Chekov, and that silly Sulu.... they were the WORST bunch'a hams on screen. JJ Abrams raped my childhood... sort'a.

But for the movie... every time the guy who played Bones showed up, I just smiled. He was AWESOME.

************

9) May 21, 2009 3:07 PM... Anonymous said... Hyatte - did you ever read Stephen King's Dark Tower series? I hardcore loved them, but I think Part VII must have turned me off, because I haven't thought about them much since I read it.

And if you have read them - do you think they'll ever actually try to do anything movie related? I personally think a movie would be awful, but a mini-series might work.

Nahh, I haven't read them. Probably will someday. Nice thing about books is that they take forever to disintegrate. I'm not a fan of other worldy fantasy fiction (haven't read a single Harry Potter book) but it would be interesting to read the books to see where characters from King's mainstream books fit in.

But Stephen King... what happened to this dude? It seems that every book he writes involves painting portraits that come to life, or suck you into their realm. What's his obsession with painting? It started a looooooong time ago with Rose Madder, then nothing... then he brought the plot device roaring back with Lisey's Story (horrible book), Duma Key (looks really bad), and one of his recent short stories Stationary Bike. What gives?

I only can imagine that King is interested in the sub-conscious, and is exploring it by having his characters release it through painting pictures. Which is fine, and I can understand if he wants to be a more literate writer with deeper themes... but wouldn't it be nice if he dropped a 600 page book about something evil in the woods of Maine again. You know, go old school.

I miss the books where he got into the minds of small town folk. He was always at his funniest there.

The Dark Tower should only be made as a censor free HBO miniseries... but I'll take Showtime too.

10) May 21, 2009 5:24 PM... Anonymous said... Ha Ha! You admit to watching American Idol! OK, I did too. And admittedly, I popped a semi-boner when Kara did that half-ass "flash" with Bikini Girl. Don't know why I got hard. I have porn and Kara's not THAT hot. Still, I guess my penis is the ultimate truth detector. It likes what it likes. Question: You ever read "Atlas Shrugged"? I get a Ranian vibe from you...

No, and you know what, I'm not going to read Atlas Shrugged... ever. Any book where I'm required to think and reflect upon what I just read and NOT sweep me away in a page turning haze where I come out of it with no clue how long I've been reading is not going to be finished. Or something like that.

And the first time I flipped through the book I saw tiny print jammed into... over 1000 pages. Yeesh, no thanks.

I'm reading Blood Meridian it's a gory little western with more violence and blood and nastiness then the night I fucked a chick on her period, "Who's your little vampire, bitch? WHO??? *slurp*"

11) May 21, 2009 10:23 PM... Anonymous said... yo how big is your dick?

Almost 6 INCHES!!! And very frisky for its age...

12) May 21, 2009 8:33 PM... Crotchrot said... So what other things are you into? So far we've seen Star Trek, hiking and Wrestling. Anything else? Is hyatte into cooking, comic books, voyeurism, etc?

I'm not INTO Star Trek. I just have an affinity for it since its the ONLY show I used to watch with my father when I was a kind. And I think I've mentioned that I'm barely into wrestling anymore. Hell, Impact is on and here I am blogging!

I only read comic books at the book store, grabbing a bunch of trade collections and plowing through them It's like visiting old friends.

My peeping tom days are over.

I like... beer, DVDs, sleeping, fucking with people's heads online just as bad as they fuck with mine (and sometimes, deceptively worse), reading, writing, fucking married women just to watch them go from guilty to passionate, and then back to remorseful guilt, I like what I do for a living, I like gathering recipes and loading them in a rolodex like our grandparents do. I like working out but not body building. I like swimming, I like going to the driving range, I like listening to new types of music, and I like... no, that's about it.

I also like the glimmer of hope. Its what keeps me going.

**************

13) May 21, 2009 10:45 PM... Anonymous said... have you ever watched any of the rf shoot videos? I find them endlessly fascinating. not for the wrestlers, but for how excruciatingly terrible the interviewers are. they've apparently been doing that for over 10 years now, and haven't improved even a tiny bit. they're really not even interviews, per se. it's just an oral questionnaire. I love how the interviewers never pick up on the fact that the wrestler just answered the next question they were going to ask, but because it's on the sheet, they ask it anyway.

And that's why I never buy shoot videos. Unprofessional, ridiculously produced, and I honestly don't care about Missy Hyatt going on about who she wants to fuck. Oh, I'm sure there are little pearls in some of them and some decent stories, but I just find it depressing: for the wrestler who's gabbing away when all he/she's thinking is "I need the money, I need the money" and for me, who will not cross that line.

To this day I've never seen a Ring of Honor video. I've somehow managed to go on.

You knwo who's a piece of shit? Derek Burgan. He spends tons of $$ on these stupid things, reviews them, begs either Keller or Meltzer to post them, then carries on as if he is the greatest IWC writer ever. What a tool. Can't stand that twerp. I hope he gets that swine virus and sneezes right in Jason Powell's gaping asshole.

As far as the interviewers go... isn't that still Rob Feinstein doing those things? He's the cat who went to a kid's house, rang the doorbell, and ran into the dude from "To Catch a Predator".... then he amscrayed like hell.

Point is... no one said hardcore wrestling fans were smart.

14) May 21, 2009 11:47 PM... Anonymous said... So what was the thing that got you hooked on wresting and what was the thing that drove you away?

How's the book? Would you ever consider starting your own 411 type page where you could just write whatever you want whenever you want?

Politics? Religion?

The Shield is gone but do you watch Rescue Me?

Have you ever met one of the "marks" you wrote for all the years from Scoops through DOI?

Here's where I politely ask that you DO NOT FUCKING BURY ME!! One question per post.

A: I dunno. I forget. Something to watch on Saturday mornings, mostly trying to figure out if it was fake or not.

B: The new McMahon Vision for sports entertainment is not very appealing to me.

C: Fine

D: Wow, my own page where I can talk about ANYTHING??? You think Ashish would give me that elusive forum??? I think you've been smoking that whacky leaf, pal. Just silly talk.

E: What about politics?

F: I am Catholic and quite happy with it.

G: Yup, and its worthy of being in my series DVD collection.

H: Does Flea count? And no. Much like being a wrestling FAN, one doesn't openly admit with pride to having write a wrestling column.

15) May 22, 2009 12:05 AM... Anonymous said... Does anyone in your "real life" know that you're Hyatte? What benefits have you realized from being a wrestling web guy? Ever met anyone famous?

A: No

B: None, which is why I'm not back at it tearing Jeff Smalls and the rest of those fucks a new a-hole.

C: No. Well, David Lee Roth and Robert Plant... not together but on the same day. Ronald Reagan. Umm... Kevin Youklis.

16) May 22, 2009 12:06 AM... Anonymous said... One more thing - how do you pick up married women? You probably have a way of getting into their heads. Care to provide a story about it?

Stories? No, just keep telling them how pretty they are and they all cave.

How do I meet them? At work, mostly... but online too. It's not like I'm a vulture swooping around looking for lonely, miserable wives looking for a little evil fun. It just happens, usually without me knowing it.

I never know when I'm getting hit on. It's a fault.

*****************

If this thing keeps growing (and since we seem to be enjoying this, myself included, it obviously will), I will end up moving the bulk of the older stuff to my leftover blog while updating daily here with fresh stuff. Scrolling down gets tedious, I know.

17) May 22, 2009 12:16 AM... Anonymous said...What do you think about this whole NBA vs. WWE deal? Apparently next monday night, WWE has the Pepsi Center in Denver for Raw. One problem though: Game 4 of the NBA West Conference Finals is scheduled next monday at the Pepsi Center.

Now WWE has picked up and moved Raw to L.A. Probably left all their ticket buyers in the cold too. Not only that, but McMahon is going on a MASSIVE smear campaign against Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke. Here's a quote from McMahon: "Had (Kroenke) picked up the phone and called me and (gave an apology,) I really don't know what I would have done, except I wouldn't have done this." Boy, vindictive much?

What do you think about all this?

I think the Nuggets guy had no clue that his team would be playing the Lakers so deep in the play-offs and that, just by happenstance and luck, his building ended up housing a critical game on the same night the WWE came to town.

I also think that at least Vince had the sense not to try to explain why the NBA should re-arrange tings. Were he a bit more out of touch, I think he would.

I ALSO think that they could've moved the whole Raw to the same place where Smackdown was going to get taped on Tuesday, letting the Denver fans have the opportunity to make the drive over and giving the town a double shot of WWE with ALL the big stars.

But Vince is getting older, and I think he's still pissed that the huge Wrestling Revolution that got pop-culture loving the business in the late 90's went and dried up. He's pissed that 75% of the fanbase that loved the Monday Night Wars and worshipped the NWO and Austin 3:16 didn't stay for Lesnar, Evolution, Viva La Rasa, and CenaMania.

So now he's in full bluster mode, stomping and yelling and crowing to anyone who'll listen about how successful his empire still is. I think his theory is that "Mr. McMahon" was such a huge part of the Monday Night Wars, that he has to take every opportunity he can to remind folks that he's still running the ship. To try to get pop-culture back into the fold.

In other words, he turned this whole molehill into a mountain.

And he gets so pissy when he loses. He had the sense not to demand that the NBA shift its schedule to accommodate him, but that's what he wanted. he didn't get what e wanted so now, this Monday, we get to watch "our hero" Vince defend wrestling fans everywhere by beating up some actor pretending to be the owner of the Nuggets. You will be required to cheer for Vince, by the way. And laugh hysterically with Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.

18) May 22, 2009 4:17 AM... Miche said... If you ever read the dark tower, stop after book four and make up your own ending. Couldn't be any worse than his. After the accident he got afraid of dying with it unfinished and made the mistake of just writing. Also inserting yourself as a main character didn't help either. Check out Joe Abercrombie think you'd like it. Got any suggestions for a good read? Haven't read anything in months, nothing has grabbed me from the beginning and i haven't had the patience to wait for it to get interesting.

I do get the sense that the Darktower series got bigger and more important to his life's work then even he first thought. After all, he started writing it very early in his career. And, like with The Matrix Trilogy (or the Star Wars saga), he felt obligated to make it bigger and bigger until he wrote himself into a corner.

Of course, since I didn't read it, I'm just guessing.

New books... umm... I dunno, go review some of my old "Book of the Two Week Club" selections. I stand by all of them.

19) May 22, 2009 4:55 AM... Anonymous said...Talking food - what do you like for breakfast?

SAUSAGE MOTHERCFUCKIN' MCMUFFINS WITH CHEESE, YOU BASTARD!! STEAK, EGG, AND CHEESE BAGEL!!! Those McGriddles are good, but Jesus Christ, who can handle too many pancake sandwiches with egg, cheese, and bacon slammed in between.

I'm more of a big lunch, light dinner sort of guy anyway.

20) May 22, 2009 7:45 AM... GoodFella said... Do you really hook up with married women or are you, in fact, full of shit? "just keep telling them how pretty they are and they all cave." Have you ever actually spoken in REAL LIFE to a woman rather than online from your parent's basement??

No, you nailed me. I've never ever talked to a woman once in my 30+ years on this planet. I'm in my parents basement and all I do is eat cake frosting, clean my taped up glasses, and divide my time between World of Warcraft and Battlestar Galactica DVDs.

Any more cliches you want to throw at me? Any other overdone, standard bombs that people have been dropping on one another since the days of RSPW and Bob Ryder's Compuserve chat rooms?

Let's recap: I posted questionable photos of Chris Jericho and Kelly Kelly at a club, and made nothing but allusions. You barged in lecturing me on how they are nothing but since I am clearly this virgin spazzy loser (and doesn't my ten years worth of columns so totally reflect a sheltered, inexperienced life), you'll explain to me how the club scene works.

Then I posted a photo of them kissing. Ohhh, you had nothign to say then, did you? Nope, not a word. Ran away like the sttraight up stud playa bitch that you are.

And now, AGAIN, you're trying to recover and take me down... again... and again...

Keep trying, son. It's fun watching you try so hard to come bac from that major fuck-up. It's also fun knowing that you study my every post looking for something, ANYTHING that you can zoom in on and make a run at.

Just so you know, you can fill an ocean with what I know that you don't.

Are you Italian, by any chance? I think you are.

21) May 22, 2009 8:49 AM... Anonymous said... Hyatte, You planning on seeing the new Terminator movie? I saw it last night and it was much better than the reviews suggested. Nowhere near as good as the first or second one, but light years ahead of the third. Ironically for all the attention Christian Bale got for playing John Connor, he was basically a supporting character for most of the movie, which is fine for me because I think even with his success in the Dark Knight and other films, Christian Bale is essentially a character actor who lacks the charisma to carry a non-franchise film. Thoughts?

He can be a character actor all he wants, but he's also handsome and now an A-lister. He'll have his picks of scripts for years to come... unless he has a total meltdown like Val Kilmer... which is possible.

That flick is a "wait for HBO" movie to me. 100%. The whole franchise lost me once Brian Austin Green got involved... no, I never watched the TV show, just once I heard that BAG was now a featured player in the mythos... I said, "No Mas, No Mas".

*****************

22) May 22, 2009 9:26 AM... Anonymous said... What's your earliest memory?

Sitting in the living room. I even remember a fog being lifted from my eyesight as awareness finally kicked in. I looked around, saw my dad reading the newspaper as the TV was on (news). It's not just my first memory, it's the very first moment I was aware that I existed and of my surroundings. I remember it to this day clear as a bell.

23) May 22, 2009 9:26 AM... Anonymous said... I have a theory -- that you can learn more about a person by spending 5 minutes with their boyfriend / girlfriend / wife / husband than you can by spending DAYS with 'em individually... 'cause by seeing who they've chosen to spend their life with, you INSTANTLY know who they REALLY are.

What they fear, what they admire, what they respect, what they need, what they TRULY value.

No matter what they say or claim, examining their "other half" strips away all the bullshit and gets you to the truth. It's the ultimate litmus test.

So... that being said, what does your absence of a girlfriend / wife say about you?

Your theory has value, except for that X variable where some people marry out of sheer desperation. People are scared of being alone and will take whoever they can that can support them so they can start a family and get their mother's voice out of their heads.. (I'm talking a lot of girls here.)

And a lot of young couple still get hitched based on how good their sex life is.

Lots of girls marry the safest choice even when a riskier, but more fullfilling, "true love" option is available, just needing more work. Those chicks are basically cowards. (Hi, YOU)

Guys get married for, more or less, the same reasons... except we tend to pick girls who worship us and will take care of us after a hard days work. We all go for that "King of Our Domain" thing.

But really, you want to know what my current bachelorhood says about me. Well, read the dude above, I live in a basement of my parents (even though one has been in the ground for 15 years now and the other one has a new family) and have only TV and porn to tell me how girls talk.

Or, I can offer this:

I'm an only child, and I like it. I can do what I want and I like it. I have no one to be responsible for except a parrot and I like it. I know my strengths and weaknesses and I have a very strong feeling that I would not make a good husband (but I'd make an AWEESOME father, believe it or not) to most ladies. I would, however, make the perfect husband to someone if we click so well that it scares her away (Hi, again).

I don't like talking about myself. I hate baring my soul. I don't open up because there isn't much in there.

When I fall in love, it's all the way, but I will walk away in a heartbeat and once that door is shut, its never opening again.

Basically, what my singleness says is that I'd rather go out alone then go into a marriage that will end badly. And I'm one of the few people I know who is totally cool with that.

*********************

24) May 22, 2009 10:17 AM... Anonymous said... Tell us about losing your virginity

I was 17, she was 18 and not a virgin. Rather than go graphic, here's some honest to God things said that I can still practically hear in my head:

- "Oh no, honey, here let me show you."

- "Twist them, not that hard, yeah, harder, OWW NO!!"

- "You mean that was it?"

- "Don't fucking cum in my mouth or you'll lose it."

- "You're flopping too much, stop flopping."

Typical nervous punk stuff.

I got better as time went on. One time a girl punched me in the face for too much foreplay. "Get to it, ASSHOLE!"

25) May 22, 2009 10:31 AM... fbintx said... Okay, I've watched every Rescue Me and will continue to do so, but there are several problems with this show:

- The show goes to great lengths to show how the firefighters of NY can't stand how outsiders use 9/11 to make money and don't really know what happened there but THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE SHOW IS DOING ITSELF!!!1

- This show is basically a giant ego trip for Dennis Leary. How many hot women does Tommy need to run into that just HAVE to f him? I mean he's already done Gena Gershon and Marisa Tomei! Nevermind his hot ex-wife who felt the need to rape him. Also, how many times does Tommy walk down the street and JUST HAPPEN to be in the exact place to save someone, even on his day off.2

- The show's focus has changed greatly. What I loved about the early seasons was that EVERY character had a well-developed (albeit possibly rediculous) storyline. Franco, Shawn, Mike, Lou, the old captain, etc... Now it is almost all Tommy all the time, with just slow-moving minor storylines for other characters.13

- I hate Shiela. She's my least favorite TV character of all time. But that monologue she had with the Frenchie about her husband was powerful. She's just been all over the place for the entire series, but that finally brought her back to where she should be.4

- Sober Tommy is boring. He needs to drink again.5

All that said, Lou is the best. He's hilarious, raunchy, smart, introspective and hopelessly flawed. That actor is amazing.6

sorry to ramble.7

Footnoted for easy referencing! :)

1. Its not exploiting 9/11, its entire premise is based on the life of the NYPD after the darkest tragedy of all time. Even the THEME SONG is about how firefighters who lived through the towers falling are getting by.

Denis Leary has family and close, CLOSE ties to the Boston FD. He even appeared on Letterman the first week Dave came back after 9/11. He knows the material and respects the people. He's qualified to produce a show about it.

2: Well, why not. And Leary's character is supposed to be an Alpha Male bad boy. Stands to reason he'd hook up with a few hotties. It doesn't bother me.

3: Keep in mind, FX gave them a full 22 episode run as opposed to 13. So they have nine extra hours to fill. I think they are going for bigger ideas and more drawn out story arcs. Come back to me after the season and tell me what you think.

4: I think Sheila's character is starting to runs its course and now they are just looking for things for her to do. She might not be around after this season.

5: Nahh, he's fucked up enough with or without booze.

6: The dude who plays Lou is an absolutely brilliant actor and yes, the role is one of the more fleshed out ones.

7: No problem Frank.

26) May 22, 2009 11:06 AM... The Queen Mum said... Hey Hyatte, Ever been to the UK?

Nope, and I honestly have no interest in ever leaving North America.

I once had a slim chance of going, a glimmer of a shot, for free... but I turned it down. I'd tell the story but no one would believe me. No, trust me, you wouldn't.

I might do a few more of these tonight.

************************

25) May 22, 2009 11:43 AM... Anonymous said... When do you believe someone receives a soul?

You mentioned you were Catholic, and Catholicism teaches that life begins at conception, which I assume means the linking of the earthly genetic matter & an immortal soul at the moment the sperm strikes the egg. Plus, I know you're into shows about ghosts and hauntings, ao I assume you've given this some (drunken) thought.

Does this belief on souls impact your opinion on abortion?

And why would a God let a soul wander without its body as a ghost?

Wow.. okay, heavy stuff.

A soul, in my humble opine, is the apark of life. It's what makes us all unique. Its what guides our choices and builds our personalities. It also givesd us our moral compass.

Sure, science says its all dna matrixes combined in a very special, very unique way, just our blueprints. Scientifically explained.

I once read a great essay from Tom Wolfe about this topic, how DNA pretty much has already programmed our every waking move/choice from birth to death. That free will is an illusion, of sorts.

With all that perfectly logical information in front of us, it would be easy to dismiss God. He challenges us to dismiss him, in fact. He doesn't show up at parties, he hasn't walked into a court room looking like George Burns and started doing card tricks. He hasn't cleared up global warming with a wave of his hand.

The belief in God rests on one, very simple ideal: Faith.

Se, I have faith that our souls are more than DNA strands twisted up in a unique configuration that sends signals back and forth. I have faith that it takes something WE AREN'T ALLOWED TO UNDERSTAND that drives us here and there and decide whether to fuck that drunk chick passed out on the couch or place a blanket on her and leave a glass of orange juice for her when she wakes up.

But the soul, like the rest of us, needs to grow. It's not all prepared for us the moment Daddy's little swimmer raises hell in Mommy's little egg. It's a baby too, fresh, alive, active, but it has to develop like the rest of us.

I buy into freedom of choice because, yes... a soul is being extinguished early, but maybe it was supposed to? Maybe the sacrifice of that soul means someone else's soul can seek redemption in some weird way? We aren't supposed to get it. We can only strive to try to understand it. But us presuming to know God is like ants trying to understand us.... times 20.

Why does God let souls walk around? Because they grew up wrong and lost the path? There is a Devil, y'know... I've been visited by him back in the day (nothing too terribly dramatic. I didn't have fucking tea with him or anything.)... but I think Hell is merely the absense of Heaven. Walking around in some place with no one to talk to and no real understanding of where you are seems very Hellish to me.

Faith, brother.

26) May 22, 2009 11:51 AM... GoodFella said... "Guys get married for, more or less, the same reasons... except we tend to pick girls who worship us and will take care of us after a hard days work. We all go for that "King of Our Domain" thing."

Ah. Thank you Hyatte. That ONE comment backs up EVERYTHING I already thought about you.

Try not to cry yourself to sleep tonight.

'kay

27) May 22, 2009 3:05 PM... Anonymous said... Nothing wrong with satisfying a married woman on occasion. If you won't,someone else will. Besides most doing it are married men. There's still plently of single chicks for single guys,ya know.. Abe

Yeah, but they're all fat.

28) May 22, 2009 3:18 PM... tom said... I'd tend to agree about the dark tower past book four. Don't get me wrong, read every one past that cos I had to see how it panned out. But the ending itself was a major disappointment. But as we're doing questions - kinda following on from an earlier one. Catholic in terms of actually believing it? (I have to say catholicism's up there with islam for evil nastyness to my mind) or just born and baptised into it and such?

Born into it, bought into it, looked around and decided that it's still the way to go.

Catholicism isn't bad. Neither is the Nation of Islam. It's just a few bad apples here and there that ruin it for EVERYONE.

And remember, the Jews killed a guy in the worst possible way because he ran a few scams. Well, okay, they paid for it back in spades... but still.

29) May 22, 2009 4:02 PM... Julie said... Chris, I don't think you'd make a bad husband. You really sound like you have such a deep and beautiful soul. I wish you'd show this side of yourself more often.

Awww, thank you pun'kin. I still think you're a dude. Possibly Rinsa.

30) May 22, 2009 4:28 PM... Anonymous said... As someone who enjoyed your analyses of The Shield and the Vic Mackey character, I would love to read you discuss The Wire.

Love the show, loved what they did, thought "Omar" was the baddest ass ever put on TV (because he could so easily, and probably is, dead real. Thought the greatest scene in all of episodic television was during the first season where McNulty and his partner broke down an entire crime scene with just using the word "Fuck", and think they show single-handidly made Baltimore about as appealing a place to visit as downtown Detroit.

But better, more skilled, and more hardcore fans than me can discuss this show better than myself.

31) May 22, 2009 4:44 PM... Anonymous said... Methinks Goodfella is nothing more than a pissed off and angry Rinsa

Naah, rinsa may be a pain but at least he's having fun here. Goodfella wants to expose me as the loser I am and WANTS ALL OF YOU TO KNOW IT!!

32) May 22, 2009 6:26 PM... Anonymous said... Does Trish still read this blog?

Yup. She's lurking around. Reading this right now.

33) May 22, 2009 6:52 PM... Anonymous said... "I once had a slim chance of going, a glimmer of a shot, for free... but I turned it down. I'd tell the story but no one would believe me. No, trust me, you wouldn't." Come on, just tell it already.

Maybe later.

34) May 22, 2009 7:16 PM... Gray said... How are you going to end your run?

You've had a very good run, some would even say a fantastic run with a phenomenal fan base. That said, how are you going to end it?

Every story needs a beginning, a conflict, and a resolution. I don't see you moseying off into the sunset, and I doubt highly that you'd do anything self-aggrandizing. Please tell me you won't just "not post" one day...

I have no idea. I'd love to just delete the whole thing and freak out everyone, but that would mean destroying something that I could never get back. I think I'd just turn off comments and stop posting. Maybe saying one last thank you or something.

No plans on doing so right at the moment.

35) May 22, 2009 8:28 PM... Bryan Rod Sting said... Tell me have you ever really, really really ever loved a woman? (or a man)

Yup, 5 of them. All have pussies.

Whew... quite a day. How are you all liking this? Pretty cool, huh?

Don't be afraid to ask follow up questions to things I've talked about. Weekends are usually slow here in Hyatteland, so I doubt I'll have a lot of updates. And after the weekend I'll clean up the size here so it won't be too messy to catch up on.

I'm going to ~~watch me some old Buffy reruns~~ GO OUT AND FUCK 4 GIRLS AT ONCE!!!! SEE, YOU DON'T KNOW ME, SON!! YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR INTRA-WEBBER GOD!!!

*************************

36) May 23, 2009 12:22 AM... Anonymous said... What are your three best Flea-related stories? Any tense phone conversations with Al Isaacs during your Scoops tenure (revealing Ryder's phone # on ICQ, etc)?

Flea really deserves a full blog entry of his very own, where I devote thousands of words as to why I love the bastard.

Most of my stories involve him in various stages of drunkenness, two that come right to mind involve the following key words:

Owls

and dead baby fingers.

If he reads this and gives permission, I'll start typing, but he's got to give permission. Out of respect.

Al only got pissy with me once, and that's when I expressed surprise when he announced that he would be writing jokes... or something... for Playboy magazine. He didn't like me questioning whether he was funny enough to write jokes. He was clearly annoyed.

Then there was the time at Scoops when Jay Kirell sent a mass email suggesting we switch columns for a week. I was in a grumpy mood and sent my own email telling all of them to to suck my dick and no one touches the Mop-Ups (and everyone figured Jay was just using his idea as an excuse to write my columns for a week to see what a real audience feels like).

Well, other people piped up and things were getting testy then Al, clearly pissed, wrote his own email threatening to "clean house" and fire a few people. Now I was clearly the asshole here, just being an arrogant dick, so the threat APPEARED to be aimed at me... but since I was just as big a part of Scoops as Al was by then, I sorta knew it was just for show. But I called him anyway and he was as laid back as could be.

Al didn't get mad much, just stir the shit a bit or question his talents. Or devote a full parody site about him and call him DDP's drug dealer... (or was it the other way around? I forget.)

Oh, and he was very hurt after I left. Broke his heart, I did. Prick shouldn't have edited my genius... fuckin' Remy "The Slammer" Artiega.

37) May 23, 2009 12:42 AM... Anonymous said... Did you love Gloomchen? Rinsa? Chyna?

No, no, and no. Well, maybe yes to one of them.

*************************

38) May 23, 2009 2:56 AM... JesseBaker said... Three toss-up questions for you: 1. Marcia Cross or Heather Lockler?

While Lockler gets all of the glory for "saving" Melrose Place and making it a hit show, it was arguable Marcia Cross who did the real heavy lifting to make the show the huge hit it was due to her pivitol role as Dr. Kimberly Shaw, everyone's favorite red-headed sociopath. So which one, if you had to chose, would you pick? Or would you chose Laura Leighton or Courtney Thorne Smith or the chick who played uber-cunt Brooke Armstrong but is now known as the saccrinely sweet Charlotte from Sex and the City?

2. "The Shield's" Ronnie Gardocki: moustache or beard?

Probably one of the biggest bits of fandom debate as far as which facial hair look worked better for David Rees Snell. The moustache gave him an geekiness/nerd cred that helped define the character in the eyes of a lot of fans back when he was a background character with one line of dialogue each episode. The beard on the other hand, was pretty generic looking and while it gave Snell's character a certain sinesterness in the night-time scenes from the series, it didn't do much for providing him with that sort of visual hook that the moustache did that an ascended extra like Snell needed in order to make him stand out to fans who might normally not care either way about his character and lead to him utterly ascending to a key role in the series in the later seasons.

3. Green Day's new album: brilliant CD that tops "American Idiot" in every way or just a cynical cash-in job/retred?

Yeah, see, this is why I have to do some overhauling. Somewhere deep up there I said one question per post. Now here's Jesse Baker, who's been loyal for YEARS and that's appreciated :), with three monster questions. I'll answer JUST YOURS Jesse, because you've stuck around for so long.

1) Locklear was the backbone of the show. Period. Cross was a fiesty little virus that stormed in, raised hell for a few years, and was rushed out. Melrose Place made Cross's career, Locklear gave Melrose Place its place in history, rather than just a footnote in some book about every TV show ever.

I was more into the men there anyway... (WHOA... wait!!) I liked Michael Mancini who just had to bang anything with a clit and then wormed/weaseled around his dirty deeds. And when Jack Wagner joined the show, for some silly reason, I was like... "YEEEAH, WAGNER'S GONNA SHOW THIS BITCHES WHAT'S WHAT!!" He didn't disappoint.:

The dumbass who played "Jake" was a stuffy tool and one of the worst actors, even for SOAPS, that I've ever scene. It's why we don't see him much anymore.

But, really, Soaps died for me the day Patch left Salem and Kayla to carry on alone. (Anyone know that one?)

2: Jesse... you asking me to reflect on the symbolic meaning behind the facial hair of a character on one of my favorite TV shows ever, who really only got any real meat to his character at the very last few episodes, has literally ruined just a bit of the whole show for me. You made me consider your question and it cost me a bit of my soul. Thanks a heap, pal.

3: It's the same songs, the same Green Day, just with a different marketing strategy and presentation. I don't have any of their CDs.

************************************

39) May 23, 2009 4:16 AM... tom said... I see your point to a degree on catholicism and islam - there's some decent chaps within it certainly. (I hate the religion, rather than those that practice it). But, any religion that says at it's core that homosexuals are an offense to god? That maintains condom use is a mortal sin (and helps lead to millions dying from aids in africa as a result). That's kinda nasty in my book.

I should make something clear. I could never get through the Bible, I only go to church for weddings and funerals. I do not follow the rules of (Roman) Catholicism to the letter. It's just the religion I grew up on and I generally like the overall principles it adheres to. I am no Theologian.

Aside from a few Jew jokes, I have no ill will to any religion anyone practices. Although if I see some dude walking around with one of those Muslim beanie caps, I'm going to assume he hates my white ass and is generally grump altogether.

THAT BEING SAID... I didn't know Trojan condoms were around back when the Apostles and a bunch others decided to get together and write the ultimate book on God. I didn't know latex was invented back then. Were they ribbed for her pleasure? Did the marketing campaign reference Eve: "Eve knows a little something about how great RIBS are"... and then an actress as Eve says, "Use ribbed Trojans and I'll take care of YOUR apples."?

The point is, the word of God was transcribed by humans. And since no one knew about printing presses back then, they commissioned other people to make copies. How many thousands of copies were made by humans with agendas? The Bible isn't God's word, by the time something was invented to make copies, it was already cut down so much you barely got a high off it.

Millions of Africans are dying? Yes, from AIDS... but also from malaria, major political strife, the diamond wars, and because they don't know how to pull out?

I'm no theologian and I'm not about to defend my religion... in case you haven't heard, some of our Priests have this awful reputation for succumbing to the weaknesses they probably joined the Church to get rid of to begin with. But you take out what you put in with the Church. It's not a crutch, it's a reference point for serenity, or it should be.

40) May 23, 2009 4:17 AM... tom said... Oh and speaking of great books about catholicism (though we weren't) read "The family," by Mario Puzo if you haven't already.

WHY??? TELL ME WHY FOR CHRISTSAKES???

41) May 23, 2009 5:53 AM... Porn Valley said... Favorite/least favorite movies?
Since you opened the Whedon door with Buffy...did you watch Dollhouse?

Hey PV, glad to see you're still around.

I am horrible at picking my favorite anything... I need 15 minutes to order at a restaurant. But it seems that EVERYONE is bad at picking their favorites.

What came first? The critics all agreeing that Tha Godfather I and II were the two greatest movies ever made, or people saying their favorite movie was one of them? I bet the critics told us first.

I see a movie, love it, declare it my favorite, then another one comes along and I say 'WHOOAA NELLY!!" There are just too many of them to pick one.

LEAST Favorite? Pornos that dare to tell actual stories. Okay, that was just for you (and how about this Sasha Grey getting good reviews for a mainstream picture??)

My least favorite films are sequels that BADLY fuck up. Two I can think of feature the same star: Beverly Hills Cop II and Another 48 Hours. Both wrecked themselves by being too intent on reliving the premise of the originals rather than continue the stories and doing a natural evolution.

But again, there are too many movies out there to boil anything down to one lone winner or loser. I can't even give you a top ten.

I watched a bit of Dollhouse and I know its going to get another season... but I don't trust it yet. I don't trust Fox. I think Fox is going to fuck with Joss Whedon and give it a half-ass promotion push then it'll let it dry up and blow it off the schedule.

The show has all of the patented Whedon beats: little cliffhangers before each commercial, pithy one liners, fantastic pacing, page turning plot advancements, every season gets a "Big Bad" (a now universally recognized phrase coined based 100% on Buffy the Vampire Slayer), and empowered chicks under unusual circumstances. Joss Whedon is a true genius and should be treated by TV execs with reverence, like David E. Kelly or Stephen Bochco, but he's stuck in a Foc contract and they are treating him like dogshit. I just read that they are going to revisit the "Buffy" MOVIE franchise(??) and Joss wasn't invited to be a part of it... but he's free to audition for it, or something. How insulting.

I don't want to invest into this show until I know it'll give me at least 6 seasons worth of viewing pleasure.

Oh, and Eliza Dushku isn't aging well. YES, I SAID IT!!

42) May 23, 2009 9:56 AM...Factor said... You mentioned God clearing up the whole Global Warming deal. Do you then buy into the idea that Global Warming exists?

Of course it does. We are discovering hundreds of brand new species of fish under the icecaps because those icecaps are melting away and exposing them. Polar bears are suddenly in serious danger because their land is melting away. Did you notice that tornadoes are more fierce and frequent, that blizzards are harder and more common, that things are hotter in the summer and colder in the winter?

Our President is a smart man and he's finally making a push for automobiles that are either less dependent on fuel or can, at least maximize as much fuel from one tank as possible, making for less trips to the pump and better emission releases (something Honda and Toyota have been all over for a looong time now)

Folks, we are all in serious trouble. And we are going to have grandchildren who will be mighty, mighty pissed at us.

43) May 23, 2009 10:40 AM... God said... I don't think Hyatte exists.

God doesn't read blogs. Everyone knows that. It's in the Bible.

44) May 23, 2009 10:53 AM... Anonymous said... Hyatte, Do you believe in UFOs, specifically, the Roswell incident?

I believe most UFOs are government experimental crafts that they don't want us to know about just yet. Remember the Stealth Bomber? UFO for the looongest time until Bush the Father said, "Check out this radar-proof new jet we built!!"

But we aren't alone. With all these new planets we're finding. BullSHIT!! Even when I was a kid and our teachers told us that it was Earth, 8 other planets, and that's IT, I figured there had to be something else.

But that's science: You gotta prove it before we think about it.

But, while I don't think there is an armada of alien warships ready to descend and take us as their bitches, I think there HAS to be other planets with life on it... and only science fiction says they have to be more advanced then us.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THERE ISN'T ONE LIVING MICROBE ANYWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE OTHER THAN ON EARTH???? NEGRO PLEASE!!

I used to buy into Roswell, but, like with Bigfoot and the Kennedy assassination conspiracy... if no one has come forward by NOW with actual proof...

45) May 23, 2009 1:35...The Man said... Do you believe that we all should go to church on a Sunday to have our moral compass reset, or would the world exist perfectly well if all religion was abolished?

Abolish religion??? WHY???

Spiritual nourishment. Food for the soul. Inner peace, Serenity. If going to Church makes you feel good for even a few hours, then why get rid of it? It's legal, healthy, and free!

And I don't even GO!!

You put into your religion as much as you want, and you get out of it as much as you need. Some people go all out. Others temper it to their likings. Go to Church on Friday nights, Saturday mornings, whenever. I have Muslim friends who go to... wherever they go... on Friday afternoons.

Wanna see something fun? Go to a black church on Sunday morning in a bad part of town. They aren't solemn and miserable and quiet save for a few collective amens. They are jumping and dancing and clapping and celebrating the Lord. It's a trip. The Reverend gets all sweaty and excited. People scream "MESSAGE." and "PRAISE BE HIS NAME!" It's a party. A grand ol' time.

46) May 23, 2009 1:35 PM... The Man said... Err, religion!

That was for anyone who read his first post and laughed at him for being illiterate. Let the record show, "The Man" can spell.

47) May 23, 2009 2:43 PM... Anonymous said... I have been a big fan of yours for a long time and respect the shit out of you, but I gotta weigh in on your rationalization for practicing Catholicism. I'm totally with having "faith" in something that we cannot understand connecting/explaining all of this. I also understand having a connection to the religion you were born into. But both the paradoxes of an omni-potent/omni-benevolent God & the world we are in, along with the scientifically proven lies and inequalities perpetrated by judeo-christian values are such that I don't understand rational people in the 21st century buying into them.

I guess my q would be could you just expand on your religious views? Regardless, thanks for the stunning amount of quality free entertainment over the years.

I just did.

But, let's break it down to an even less intelligent, more generic, open-ended, cheap response...

All living things are designed MUCH too intelligently for it to be started as one giant accident. People, we don't have a single bodypart that doesn't serve a function. Our brains are designed to keep on learning new and new things.

We are machines. Living machines. Someone had to have built us.

But I don't believe in Adam and Eve. No, we had dinosaurs and rodents and everything.

48) May 23, 2009 5:15 PM... Anonymous said... Love when you let the Rhode Islander in you out. EVERYONE has a "Buddy" story, what's your favorite? If not Cianci, I would assume you've got a good "Junior" story to tell. Skankier chicks? RISD or Brown? RI's biggest culinary gift? Walt's Roast Beef or Del's Lemonade?

OH MY GOD!! I HAVE ONE!!

When I was working the door at that nightclub I told you about (see: Hyatte vs the Wild Samoan in the archives), there was an alley running down the right side. Near the end of the alley was a small club called Manhattans, which was just a small, intimate piano bar.

Well, Providence Mayor Vincent "Buddy" Cianci liked to head into Manhattans once a weekend to light a stogie and drink a nice Brandy. Wherever he went over the weekend, he liked to nightcap at Manhattans.

So one Friday evening we had blocked off the entrance to the Alley for some reason. Buddy's limo pulled up. I told the moonlighting cop that it was closed off for some reason. AND THAT THERE WAS ANOTHER ENTRANCE RIGHT BEHIND THE BUILDING.

Well, that didn't sit well with Buddy, who opened the window and, sitting in between too assholes, shouted, "YOU TELL WHOEVER'S FUCKING RUNNING THIS SHOW THAT I'M THE MAYOR AND I'M GOING IN!!"

I stared at him, not in fear because I could care less, but because I was debating asking, "Your name, sir?" I so badly wanted to, the words were just THERE... RIGHT THERE!!

I didn't. Big pussy fag, I am.

Anyway, he got his way but I was pissed. So the next morning I called The Providence Journal and asked for a reporter. I got one and told him what happened. I refused to give my name, but I held nothing back. I sold the story. Shouted, "I'M THE MAYOR!!" for him. I didn't give my name because... you know, Big Pussy.

Later that afternoon, myself and a few doormen were hanging out at the front door of the club, waiting for the manager to open up, when the reporter showed up, introduced himself, and started asking about it. We all went mealy mouthed a bit because we all knew that this could cause political pain for the club, if not done correctly, and all of us gave him a much cleaner overview of the Mayor's little tirade.

And he and I locked eyes and he gave a very brief nod and a wink. He recognized my voice from over the phone. He knew. I winked back.

The next day, buried in the local section, was the byline, "CIANCI GETS WHAT HE WANTS" and went over what I told the guy. Our local radio morning team, Paul and Al, did a bit on it... a drunk Buddy driving around town ordering people around.

But, because Mayor Buddy Cianci is nothing more than a feckless, low-rent, smug THUG, he spent a few weeks sending the Police over to our club every night to close it down for one infraction or another. One night it was fire code violation, the next it was over-crowding, the next liquor license review. Finally, the club owner had to have a pow-wow with Cianci, and probably drop off a brown paper bag to one of his boys, and it quieted down.

He was in jail twice, got elected Mayor in between stirs, and probably will get elected again once he can. Greaseball. This is why I'll never live in Providence. Too many Italians wearing too much cologne.

And... umm... RISDI girls are skankier. Del's is great. Any asshole can get roast beef anywhere... besides, Rhode Island is known for our coffee ice cream.

49) May 23, 2009 7:02 PM... Anonymous said... What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you?

Jesus, so many... many involve girls reading this right now. Thanks a lot, bitches.

Here's a big one, back in middle school, 7th grade, my school's band and another school's band had gotten together to play a bad concert in our auditiorium. They shipped THEIR 7th grade alumni over for this extravaganza, so outof hospitality they got most of the seats. Us hosts had to sit on the hardwood floor, well, at least I did.

So the concert was as lame as you would expect it... and I was fucking around with friends, and I was getting obnoxious, so one of the teachers told me to get out and go to the principal's office. So I stood up and started walking.

Thing is... guess what happens when you sit on a hardwood floor in a tight space, so you have to sit crosslegged. For 30 minutes to 45?

My foot was dead asleep.

I took for lurches... and wiped out over about three rows of kids.

The entire auditorium... THE ENTIRE AUDITORIUM... EVERY SINGLE PERSON FROM BOTH SCHOOLS EXPLODED WITH LAUGHTER.

I had to crawl out. They didn't stop laughing.

I was so freaked I just buried myself deep in the library and waited until it was over.

Yeah, there are a few others, but that's basically the worst that comes to mind.

50) May 23, 2009 7:22 PM... richardrh said... Hyatte, a few things:

1. did/do you really hate Scott Keith all that much, or was/is that a gimmick?

2. you wrote before how you could have gotten backstage during a big time show but didnt. what was the story behind that?

3. don't you think if we stop "waterboarding" and f-ing with terrorists, that we are just asking for another 9/11?

4. how do you like the Sox and Pats this year?

Richard, why must you bury me with several questions when you can see I'm trying to keep up? One question at a time, please.

1) No. Gimmick. I felt like trying to break him in an entertaining way. Posting his Match.com info was a blast.

2) I forget. Something to do with Al Issacs and DDP's friendship.

3) I think we are in danger of another 9/11 no matter what... and right before 9/11/01 we were in danger of another Pearl Harbor no matter what. Torture is what bad guys do, not good guys.

4) I like them fine.

51) May 23, 2009 7:55 PM... Anonymous said... Maybe a little too "deep" but in all honesty Hyatte, who do you see as your fan base? What "Demo" do you think you are appealing too?

And what's the possibility of ever showing us what the real Hyatte looks like? I think it could be pretty cool to put a face with the words I've been reading forever.

Who was/is the true love of your life... with no joking around or Mae Young jokes. Who is she? No need to name names but just curious who the girl that captured the great Hyattes heart was/is.

1) My fan base is anyone bored with work or school who is farting around online and keeps my page saved either on their address board or in their favorites section and just give it a click once or thrice a week just to see what I'm up to. Only one person I know have has admitted to looking every day, and I don't know if that's true anymore.

And lots of girls read me. More than anyone else who writes, or used to write wrestling shit and is still primarily known for it. I have ALL the babes.

2) Slim to none. I showed Gloomchen someone's face and told her it was me just to see if she could be trusted. She couldn't. It went all over the IWC. Unacceptable.

3) Of the 5 girls, 2 of them DEFINITELY read this and are reading right now. Neither of them has earned the right to be credited for grabbing, and breaking, my cold, cold... but good heart that has a LOT to offer. Both of them can go fuck themselves.

52) May 23, 2009 8:04 PM...Goodfella's Virginity said... Hey Chris what was your favorite Tag team as a kid and who was your favorite wrestler?

Midnight Express and Kurt Angle. The first time the Samoans showed up on WWF TV in the 70's, they were terrifying. I remember one of them took a chair on his head, it was a wooden chair so it went right through him, and he continued to walk around WITH THE CHAIR HANGING AROUND HIS NECK!! It was awesome.

53) May 23, 2009 11:33 PM... Anonymous said... what's your all time favorite wrestling match and why?

Like with my movie cop-out, there are waaaaay too many to narrow it down. Savage/Steamboat from WM 3 still holds up and WOULD be a match of the year candidate if performed, move for move, today.

But, the match that sprung to mind was Rock vs Hogan at Wrestlemania... whatever. When Hogan Hulked up... for those 10 seconds, I remembered why I stuck around the business during the 80's. Probably my favorite.

54) May 23, 2009 11:47 PM... Anonymous said... Hey Cheech, You ever gonna follow up on the alexa analysis you did at the doi?

Hi Sean the MiC!!

No. Well, maybe now that you brought it up... but no plans.

55) May 24, 2009 10:40 AM... Anonymous said... Do you enjoy any podcasts?

No. This is the guy who devotes a blog 3-4 times a year to what CDs are going in his car's changer. I don't even own a Ipod and my PC's speakers haven't been working since that bear lover computer guy who sexually harrassed me fixed it. I'm too afraid to take it back to him because things might get... sticky.

I'm terribly behind the times, my friend.

56) May 24, 2009 3:39 PM...Anonymous said... Hyatte: Just wondering if you had time to check out Eminem's new album. I know from previous posts you're a fan. I personally would give it a 7 or 8 out of 10. Thanks for providing us with entertainment all of these years.

I'll get it the same day I buy the new Black Eyed Peas CD, and then both go into the changer along with a few other additions and subtractions. There WILL be a blog entry on it and you WILL be mildly entertained.

Ironically, I have no Ipod but I can proudly scream, "I'M SO 3008, YOU SO 2000 LATE!!! I LIKE THE BOOM BOOM BOM, THAT FUTURE BOOM BOOM BOOM... LEMME IN ON THAT..."

Love that chick.

57) May 24, 2009 3:57 PM... Anonymous said... Regarding Patch/Kayla: Patch has since been resurrected and reunited with Kayla a couple of years ago; they finally brought him back to life using the "out" set up to bring him back, as part of the big send-off of Melissa Reeves/Matt Ashford around 2006. They've since left the show again, but on happier terms and with a daughter (retconned into the picture as far as the writers deciding to declare that Kayla was pregnant with Patch's child when he "died") still around.

Ah so they DID bring Patch back and reunited him with Sweetness. Tell me, did he still have the eyepatch? Did he happen to have brought some acting talent with him this time around?

Victor Kiriakus was a badass... he implied more hell with just a soft-spoken word then any other of those hams.

58) May 24, 2009 7:00 PM... Anonymous said... Hyatte it would rule if there was a link to your old Edge radio show. Classic shit. Abe

Yeah, me flushing my head down my toilet was cutting edge.

And me sitting there quietly while Scott Keith rattled on about how much he knows was a high point for me.

They will never be available. Shit, I don't even remember the name of the guy who I hosted with.

59) May 24, 2009 10:05 PM... Tommy Chong said...Who cuts your hair, man?

I do. Being bald saves hundreds at the hair dresser. Gillette Quatro. Four blades. Those assholes who push the 5 blade razor, the one where Vince and Cena do spots for. Those 5 blades are no good... you're ALWAYS trying to unclump hair clogs in between the blades. The Quattro just needs running water and a few taps at the drain and its clean. best blade I've ever used.

This reminds me, I need a back wax.

60) May 25, 2009 3:00 AM... Anonymous said... In a Mop-Up circa late 1999, you said that something so terrible happened to you that you "were seriously considering downing Liquid Plumr and ending it all" and followed that AMwith "No, it had nothing to do with a girl...get a clue" (quotes approximate). Mind sharing what you were talking about?

Oh man, I have no idea. I was probably being a drama queen at the time.

********************************

61) May 25, 2009 3:10 AM... Hans Moleman said... Surprisingly, I liked Duma Key quite a bit. Granted, it had the reused plot device (the painting), and King's occasionally irritating blunt foreshadowing (but that's in most every bood), and one death in the book that could have used a bit more exposition, but seriously, it is one of his better books.

I can't really think of any of his recent books that were as good.

Atlas Shrugged is good too! But you only really need to read about 200 pages, then you get the gist of what she is trying to say!

Okay, brother, I will read Duma Key, only because YOU said so.

I'll never go near Atlas Shrugged... ever.

62) May 25, 2009 8:59 AM... Q: Have you ever had a weird experience with a guardrail? FLEA

Sure, one night I had the bright idea of driving around town, driunking beer, and talking to you on the phone... and when we hung up, and while I was on my way home, I smashed into a guahd rail and totalled my car. Not one of my brighter moments... but it was tme to get a new car anyway.

And when i told you, you laughed at me.

Lesson being, Flea has a lot to say and a lot of wisdom, but he must be kept on a short leash.

63) May 25, 2009 5:05 PM... King Kong Bindi said... For fuck's sake, Chris. You're awesome and a great writer, no doubt, but PLEASE, learn the difference between YOUR and YOU'RE. It matters.

Asshole, with all the shit I put out here!!! FUCKING ALLOW A FEW TYPOS TO SLIP THROUGH THE CRACKS!!! PLEASE!!

I am VERY aware of the difference between "your" and "you're" and make it a point to make sure I hit it right on first pass, but since I don't have an editor and am usually dead tired after blasting out 500-1000 words here, I don't want to chase down each and every grammatical defect. You'll jusdt have to live with it and learn to love it!!

And it DOESN'T matter.

And double posting the same comment matters more than a runaway apostrophe... did you not think I would read you the first time around???

64) May 26, 2009 2:38 AMP...Paul said... You much of a fan of Two and a Half men?? Charlie Sheen is my hero !!

No.

You do realize that Charlie Sheen - your hero - should be a major movie star but he whored and drugged his ass out of the a-list so now he has to do sitcoms on CBS??? He was the bomb in Platoon and Wall Street. Ollie Stone would've have treated him like Scorcese treated DeNiro and DiCaprio were it not for Sheen's constant marriages and public trips to whorehouses.

65) May 26, 2009 10:25 AM... Anonymous said... HYATTE LIVES! HYATTE LIVES!

Percent of global Internet users who visit hyatte.blogspot.com:

Yesterday No data
7 day avg 0.00002%
1 month avg 0.000014%
3 month avg 0.000012%
3 month change 140%

Hi Widro! Only you would be interested in this,

How is Inside Pulse doing, anyway> Ever think of changing the name, seeing how the site barely has a pulse of its own these days? ZING!

And those numbers and meaningless without knowing the exact number of global internet users its based on.

64) May 26, 2009 10:28 AM... Anonymous said... Search Terms Driving Traffic
Top keywords driving traffic to hyatte.blogspot.com from search engines. Updated monthly.
hyatte
drunken talkative
dave scherer is a douche
toilet reading stat
talkative drunk
"cholent and p"
is gianna michaels a crackhead wild samoan vs haku
mma universe scripts
here's the worms match he ran away from

Sounda about right, and very funny,

By the way, Stratus's greatest fear is that a google of her name would lead someone... like her husband, to this page.

65) May 26, 2009 10:47... Anonymous said... Here's a question: Why is "humilliation" a sexual turn-on?

It seems to me that most bondage, domination, hardcore sex talk, fantasies about control, etc. all involve some form of humiliation. Often times it's in the context of pure make-believe, sure, but humiliation still seems to be a huge turn-on for most folks.

And not just for men either. I ready that something like 75% of women admit to having fantasies about rape.

Any thoughts on this, Hyatte? Why would humiliation be linked to sexuality?

Well, let's understand that it's just fantasy, and most chicks would back off if you pulled out the handcuffs. And those porn scenes you see involve girls getting paid.

But all girls are insecure, every last one of them except for the supremely confident alpha dogs.... and even them. Females are in a giant competition with one another and are always judging themselves based on how successful their friends are.

You know how us guys pretty much hate and wat to neat the shit out of our girl's last boyfriend? Well, multiply that by 100 and you have girls... I'll bet even Angelina Jolie wishes Jennifer Aniston was suddenly sent to a Turkish prison.

And way back when, early, EARLY man pretty much just raped every girl they saw whenever the mood hit. A few thousand years of culture and evolution later... and while we won't actually do it, we still think of it... CONSTANTLY.

My point is that women, really, deep down, like to be "taken". They liked to be "claimed". But by someone hot. Their man has to be a catch, a prize. The man needs to be someone all their friends would be jealous of. If he is, and he chooses her... the fantasy involves him just taking her out of all her friends, dragging her to a room, and just mauling her like she's the only thing in the world he wants.

But he's got to be hot. No ugly fatso will ever get to choke a bitch unless he's paying for it.

62) May 26, 2009 11:28 AMHe said... Eh? Since when was Hyatte the fountain of all knowledge? Get back to talking about 'rasslin, crotch-rot and net shit, asshole!

Absolutely, fucko!! Just as soon as you pay me.

66) May 26, 2009 12:16 PM... Bret Hart said... Do you think the Internet is a wasted resource? I feel we don't think, we Google. All the knowledge of the world is at our fingertips and we spend our time dwelling on narcissistic blogs. Updating status and tweets. I admit I am damning myself of these very things by asking this question here. I just feel all moments of life of any value happen away from the internet. Yet we spend soo much time here. Sorry for the rant.

Yeah, and before the Internet we were watching too much TV, and before TV we were listening to too much radio.

The Internet is currently being used by plenty of very smart, very passionate people who are trying to figure out how to save the planet, cure cancer, end Alzheimers, fix our public school system, and get our space telescopes to see farther and farther.... and maybe, during their break, they visit their fantasy baseball site and check on how they are doing and make a few posts.

Everyone focuses on what we do with our free time online, but trust me, lots of people use the internet for work. But advertisers are doing what they always do, go after us when we are chilling out and having fun.

That being said... I would have never met my good good friend Flea, or never would have gotten a first hand look at the maturation of my best girl-buddy Allison, or have gotten to know a certain WWE Diva during her rise and retirement without the Internet, and none of you wuld have gotten to know MY genius. So there's value to just farting around.

67) May 26, 2009 12:43 PM... Anonymous said... Dude, give us just a total social commentary of whatever you want to talk about. Oh and how was your Memorial Day?

After 62 questions answered, covering all sorts of fields, its clear I am.

And Mem Day was fine, sire, thank you for asking.

68) May 26, 2009 1:00 PM... Anonymous said... So you a Mac or a PC and why? What's your current setup?

PC. Always have been. Might try Mac next.

My current set up... err... was built by a small, portly, bald fat guy loving gay guy with a longish dirty grey beard who I will never go to again because he sexually harrassed me and I really do feel strange about it.

Why? Because I know that I could walk in his store any time, flip the sign from open to closed, drag him to his work room, and jam my cock in his mouth and basically have my way with him at any time I want. I am not going to do that because I am not gay.

I repeat, I A NOT GOING TO DO THIS BECAUSE I AM NO FAG AND I LIKE GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHICKS!!!!!!!! PUSSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But just knowing that I can icks me out to no end.

69) May 26, 2009 1:26 PM... Julie said... Chris - how can I prove to you I'm not a dude? Seriously, I've been a fan for a long time, just found you again recently. I understand with all the crap you take from so many people how you wouldn't believe this. Still think that you have a cool soul.

You don't have to prove anything to me, darlin'. I believe you. And thank you very much for finding me again.

Although... umm... it's not that hard.... just google my name and PRESTO, there I am.

But nevermind that... we are together again! And I will try to continue pleasing you.

And yes, my soul is cool... I work really hard on maintaining it's nobility.

And Julie, LOVE, is it fate or just lucky that you happen to be comment number 69 here??? Heh, heh heh he, ho, ho, ho.

70) May 26, 2009 2:26 PM... Anonymous said... Julie, describe your clitoris. In detail. OK, now describe your nipples. First the left, then the right. Then post a few nude pictures of your self. Front, back and spread. Maybe then we'll believe you.

You don't have to do ANY of that, honey. I'm the high chief here and I say you are legit. Don't pay attention to these little bitches. You're safe here with me. Ignore them. Hyatte's got your back.

71) May 26, 2009 3:01 PM... Anonymous said... Global Warming. Wait wait wait. So if animals are going on the extinct list, its our fault, now we have new species....its our fault. For the past 5-8 years it was always warming warming warming...now that the facts have changed its suddenly re-branded to Climate Change. Advertising 101.

I will now sit back and wait for my wire transfer from "BIG OIL"

Brother, in 20 years we'll all find out just who was right and who was wrong.

But why wouldn't "Big Oil" make a full court press to discredit the whole "Global Warming" act? There's still a lot of money to be made by keeping big SUV's on the road.

And we've had 8 years of a guy who RAN AN OIL COMPANY telling us that everything was fine, we just need to drill in Alaska. And go to war with/take over a country that was filled with oil.

72) May 26, 2009 5:46 PM... Anonymous said... No iPod??? Congrats Hy8 - you and I are both old!

Heh, you know how our grandpapi's needed us, as tenagers, to proam their new VCR's? Well, if this dign dong kids don't properly program that new Mac Powerbook that I'm fixin' to get one of these days... I'll raise all sorts of hell!!

Jesus, I'm starting to think the IPhone's gonna be hell to program properly.

The definition of age is being sick and tired with keeping up with new trends.

73) May 26, 2009 6:38 PM... Anonymous said... Well I was going to ask if you knew what Greg Dillard was up to these days but since you didn't remember his name I guess that's not worth asking. So instead I'll ask how easy/hard was it to do the Edge (all 5 or 6 times that you did it)? Did it take a lot of time to prepare for and tape, or did you just do it on the fly and not worry about it outside of the hour or so you were taping?

Hyatte doesn't prepare. Maybe he fucking should have.

Greg Dillard? That sounds about right.

74) May 27, 2009 1:42 AM... Anonymous said... Regarding BDSM: it's been said that for a lot of people, their sexual tastes as far as being a top/bottom depends are oftened hardwired into their brains by what happens to them during their formative years: kids who are bullied ends up becoming tops who vent their anger at being bullied on their sexual partners, by being agressively domineering in bed with their BF or GF as well as being obsessed with humiliating their sexual partners through denegration as a means to reinact past humiliations but in a position of being the one doing the humiliation.

Other times, people who are into being sexually dominated/humiliated are people who oftentimes were successful kids/teens who in spite of being the best and brightest, either have deep-seeded feelings of not being worthy of their success, or who are say, jocks or successful businessmen who dominate life inthe daytime but who crave being sexual bullied/humiliation in private, because their alpha-maleness makes them long to see how the other half lives as far as wanting to know, in a controlled private way, what it feels like to be the people they pick on/abuse on a regular basis.

In a way, it's one of those things that most people in the BDSM community don't like to dwell on because of the implications that the people who like BDSM are fucked up in the head and would be better off in therapy than in the dungeon.

Well, I'm speaking from a more general perspective. Girls who liked to be spanked, or lightly choked, or have their hair pulled. You're coming from the perpspective of whole lifestyles. From those who ONLY like things all filled with leather masks and handcuffs and special apparatuses.

But you're right. Bullied geeks want revenge 10 years later, girls whose Daddies
had "busy hands" feel that the only way they can be loved is by being submissive.

And you;re right, those who turn a small fetish into a full-blown lifestyle are totally fucked in the head.

MAKE LOVE, NOT LEATHERY WAR, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!

75) May 27, 2009 2:16 AM... Anonymous said... so why the sudden free time to do the daily updates? I figure no one has asked, but we're all taking advantage.

Easy, I'm making time for YOU!!!! MY LOYAL READERS!!!

And I'm doing it without a muse.

Figure I owe you this... even though we all know I don't.

I just need to write with more frequency.

76) May 27, 2009 3:55 AM... Anonymous said... Easy. Recession. Dude's been FIRED.
Them floors will never gleam again.

Let this day be known as "The Day the Spic & Span Dried"

It's a good time to end this thrilling installment. Because next time I have a rather large debate over waterboarding to get into. Fun times.

And Saturday sounds good... I'll try to be there. Try not to piss me off this time around.

*****************

77) May 27, 2009 9:51 AM... Anonymous said... Here's a question for all opponents of water boarding:

If your Mom, wife, or child was kidnapped -- and was going to DIE a horrible, painful death unless one of the kidnappers that you captured talked -- would you support interrogation techniques that didn't inflict permanent damage on the kidnapper... but scared the living shit out of him?

Or would you let him talk whenever he's good & ready... and if your wife or baby dies in the meantime, well, too bad.

I'd support water boarding.

It's important to keep that question in mind, because water boarding wasn't done because we're a MEAN or VINDICTIVE people. It was done because a captured terrorist had time-sensitive information -- and without this information, someone's child, Mom or wife would DIE.

And in the 8 years since 9/11 -- and two global wars -- only 3 captured terrorists were water boarded. Only 3. And all 3 times, the government believed the terrorists had knowledge of an imminent terrorist plot that would kill Americans. And in the case of water boarding "victim" Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, thousands of lives WERE saved.

I understand our desire to be "good"... but if you're willing to engage in enhanced interrogation to save your own family -- but would oppose it to save someone else's family -- then that's kinda fucked up, man.

Well, for starters, unless you have access to truly classified reports, or were there, only three prisoners were waterboarded THAT WE KNOW OF. There were more. Probably a lot more.

AND in the 8 years since 9/11, we've done a pretty good job of pissing off the rest of the world, or at least a good chunk of it. We need to start regaining global trust with everyone who do not already have us pegged as "The Great Satan".

"Waterboarding" is the buzz word, but, from what I understand, all those prisoners, even the ones without vital information to spill, were subject to some pretty nasty stuff... sleep deprivation; placed and left in uncomfortable positions; placed in chairs that had rods placed to cause muscle spasms; being placed in rooms so small that all they could do was stand, for hours.

Lots of these folks stayed at the lovely Chateau De Guantanimo for over a year and then were released without so much as a dinner mint.

I understand it was a time for panic and paranioa (still is, really), and we are committed to tearing these organizations down. I want them all dead, myself. They want us dead too, so its a fair trade. I also don't think anyone should be brought to trial for warcrimes. (And that's what has Dick Cheney pissing his pants right now). It's done - to the extent that we haven't had any more attacks, it worked.

But it was in a time of crisis. It's time to get back to some sort of normal business.

You mentioned my wife, mother, or daughter being kidnapped, well... we have a Police force and a Federal Bureau of Investigation system that seem to do a pretty good job catching criminals without drowning them to near death. They just lay a beatdown when needed.

I think the idea is that we don't need a Government approved torture house anymore.

78) May 27, 2009 11:29 AM...Anonymous said... The above mentioned poster needs to put down his Jack Bauer action doll and his Dick Cheney fanclub video.

Seriously; just about 99.9% of all so-called claims of "torture working" are BS spun by the Cheneys and Roves, all of which are liars who are now in desperate "cover their asses" mode over their use of war crimes via the use of torture.

Just about every single claim of "Post-9/11 terror attacks thwarted by torture" have been easily debunked as bull and quite frankly, the use of torture damn near deepsixed the prosecution of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed for his crimes due to the fact that anyone said while tortured not being usable at trial. Which in turn would be the greatest tragedy of them all, if Cheney and his pro-torture policies had allowed a monster like Khalid Sheikh to escape justice because of Cheney's contempt for international law.

(As for waterboarding, it should be noted that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was waterboarded nearly 200 times. If the technique was as successful as the Cheneys of the world claim, why would they need to do it that many times?)

Cheney's just trying to keep his ass out of the courtroom, and I guess he doesn't have anything to lose by speaking out.

I just love your "put down his Jack Bauer action doll" line. That cracked me up.

Jack got the job done by setting up a fake video of the terrorists children getting shot in the head. All psycological.... of course, he beat the guy's ass for 30 minutes and then shocked his nippled with wires from a lamp... but still.

79) May 27, 2009 11:59 AM... Anonymous said... LL Cool Hy, what subject do you consider yourself fairly learned on that your adoring public would be surprised to hear?

Well, no one really believes this, but I am really good with Trish Stratus, she has me on a different level from most other fans.

Another is that sometimes I even surprise myself with how fast I can come up with something witty. Case in point: The other day at work three co-workers, all men in their late 50's, were sitting around together. I saw them, walked over, and said, "Oh my God, you three look like you're supposed to be keeping the cup of Christ away from those damn Nazis!!" It just came to me, a 20 year old movie reference. I do shit like that all the time.

I'm good with general entertainment knowledge... fast too.

80) May 27, 2009 12:37 PM... Anonymous said... MeeThinks you guys should be waterboarded... go find a different forum.

Yeah, I gotta agree, I mean, I don't mind a good argument over my comments, but two things that you should never talk about under friendly circumstances are religion and politics. I'll go religion all day here, but I'd rather keep political arguments to a minimum.

81) May 27, 2009 1:29 PM... JesseBaker said... OK, changing topics: have you ever had a pregnancy scare with a girl you've been dating Hyatte?

Once, this girl tried to convince me that I was the babydaddy, but I had my doubts and got tested. Wasn't mine. I think she wanted money or something.

Since then, whenever the condom breaks I give her a fake last name, fake address, and cab fare... then I head for the HILLS, MOTHAFUCKA!! Father's day is when I get outta TOWN!!

82) May 27, 2009 1:54 PM... Anonymous said... Hi kid, still reading.

New Eminem CD is pretty much amazing (a little darker like his earlier stuff). New

Green Day, is pretty much as you would expect - unoffensive pop punk by numbers not nearly as good as their last CD.

You forgot to mention I have photos of you (and your bird!). Still, you know you can trust me with anything as I can you.

One question: Will you be around Saturday evening? I've got a STACK of corny youtube music videos for you to view.

Posting this as anon, but you know who it is all the same.

Still want to ride Eminem until he can't rap anymore?

I'm not sure there's much of a market for my photo anymore, save for the 100 people reading this.

Saturday is fine, nice to know you're still searching you tube for songs that mean something to you and I. Daydreaming is FUN.

83) May 27, 2009 2:14 PM... JesseBaker said... Haven't heard Eminem's new CD yet, but how darker can it be compared to his second album, which had him singing about murdering his wife in graphic detail?

I think the point is its better and heavier then his last CD, which was pathetic, uninspired, just for a paycheck, and totally phoned in.

84) May 27, 2009 4:24 PM... stewie said... And stewie takes #100 again! (This time for real)

What's up, Stewie... I know who you are.

***************************

After this round of comments I'm going to take the rest of the weekend off. You people should be out getting some SUN anyway, or grilling steaks. Or getting drunk and pissing in someone's pool late at night.

85) May 27, 2009 5:19 PM... Anonymous said... Ever read House of Leaves? If you haven't... AMAZING book. Check it out.

Is it about a guy who refuses to buy a good rake? Is it? IS IT?????

Why is it an amazing book? God damn you, tell me.

86) May 27, 2009 6:10 PM... Anonymous said... Do you believe there are any women out there that can squirt? Not porn - but just in general or is this a myth?

I've seen it... umm... on video, dammit. I had one who had a "leaky faucet" once!!

It's not a myth, and I'm not sure if its a genetic thing, I know one girl who says she never squirted ever until one night she was banging her boyfriend at a party and she had to keep quiet and held it all in and she just exploded and it was like a gusher.

I understand that any piece of lettuce can squirt, you have to help by pressing down on her lower abs at the right time... and she has to be coming really hard too.

I remember posting a video (Midnight News, probably the 411 days) of a girl in a radio studio who squirted like a geyser and it was like a hose was turned on. I remember Flea watched it and we goofed on the asshole in the room who shouted, "Let me get in there for a taste test." There's ALWAYS some asshole saying stupid shit like that.

Yeah, you can get your girlfriend to squirt... you just have to be really good at what your doing.

Me, I keep women so dry I can see a mirage in their chooch. Is that water way back there? No, DAMMIT!!!

87) May 27, 2009 6:14 PM... Bag of Douche said... Hey Chris, Do you think if it was not for all the boozing and doping that Marty Jannety could of been as good if not better then Shawn? It always seemed he was the better of the two during the Rocker days. Thanks man.

Maybe as good as, but not better. Jannety was older, so he would've broke down earlier. And he never lost the fucking mullet. Even today, he's still rocking the mullet. No one with a mullet is getting over, I don't care how good they are.

I always liked how Jannetty had an excuse for everything. No matter what bullshit landed him in jail, or in court, or out of any wrestling group, he'd always post a long MySpace blog explaining exactly what happened and why its just an unfortunate turn of events and NOT HIS FAULT. Total addict excuse, always fun to read.

Oh, and he couldn't sell promos. Remember when he had to kiss Vince's ass and couldn't stop giggling? That was the cherry on the sundae for the old crackhead.

88) May 27, 2009 10:18 PM... Dick said... Wow. Bald via the Quatro? Need a back wax? Turns out I'm Hyatte and didn't even know it. How long can you go on the back between rips? I should go every 4 weeks, usually stretches to 6 or 7 though. I'm half wop though.

It depends on how much pussy I'm getting at the time. The fuckbuddy I'm seeing now, her husband is sort'a a slob, so she likes smoothness. So I go every 6 weeks or so.

Many girls have waxed my back for me. It's intimate and fun for them to inflict pain. Oh and they go for it too. Rip the shit out of me.

89) May 27, 2009 11:18 PM... Anonymous said... I have the first "Edge" radio show on CD-R. Eric S is the guest. Sean Shannon gets discussed.

If Hyatte says it's cool to mp3 it and post a link to it, I'll mp3 it and post a link to it.

I don't have any other episodes, not even the the Bob Ryder episode, which had one of my favorite radio exchanges of all time:

Dillard: "And now our guest Bob Ryder"
Ryder: "Hello"
Hyatte: "Hey Bob, why are you such an asshole?"

You forget Bob's retort: "Well, I can ask you the same thing, Mr Hyatte!" Then Dillard got all mealy mouthed and mumbled, "Well, we got that out of the way."

Go right ahead and post it. I went head to head with Eric and BURIED HIM. If you like old school Hyatte ripping on Sean Shannon, Rick Scaia, and a few others... you should like this.

Fuckin' TORCHED that boy. He was all mouthy about me online back then, but when we went live he just CAVED.

90) May 28, 2009 12:48 AM... Anonymous said... IIRC the first show was after the big "Sean Shannon Quits the Rantsylvania Website Under a Cloud of Mystery" debacle right? When he quit and then changed the front page to rant about something before Don Becker changed it back?

....... and later Sean announced that he was a woman with a penis and has a fetish for bondage sex and once gave a demonstration for his college about how to properly handcuff someone and is addicted to DDR but creeps everyone out when he's bouncing away on the mat at the arcade. And I am not about to presume to know what went on in his little head 100 years ago.

91) May 26, 2009 9:39 AM... fbintx said... there - right spot this time

Enjoy your take on God. I was also raised Catholic, alter boy, sacristan, a priest even tried to recruit me into the calling. Now I consider myself Unitarian if anything. I'm trying to look for answers, knowing I won't find all of them. I'm reading the Bible and the Koran (don't tell my neighbors), as well as exploring Buddhism, Hinduism and Alchemy. Of course each night after studying I have to wind down with some old westerns. Sidebar - I went to Archer City TX this weekend and went to Larry McMurtry's bookstore. He wasn't there but it was an awesome place. Google "Booked Up."

I think it was Robert Anton Wilson that explained God with this equation:
G = A + B
A is what we know. B is what we don't know (or what God only knows).

To assume you know God would be blasphemous because you would say you know what God knows and are on His level. I know that my B is a whole lot bigger than my A.

Good plan, learn about all the religions you can. Pick the one that works for you.

For instance, I have recently decided that I am a Muslim and have converted accordingly. My new name is Tumar Unmebalsac. Allah be praise and kill whitey.

The best bookstores are always the ones owned by people who love books.

92) May 28, 2009 11:36 AM... Michael Bolton said... Can I touch you... there?

Oh God, please.

Have a good weekend.

************************

I'll save you the suspense, there won't be anything secret or hidden here. Ask me again how my fucking mom is doing and I'll ask you how.... naah, I'm a much better person than that.

I think Eminem was in on it, but SB Cohen probably assured him that he'll have more clothing on, so when Em saw balls jammed right in his face... the reaction was real.

Bruno's gonna rock. I'm thinking 10X better than Borat, which was hilarious in of itself.

93) May 28, 2009 12:10 PM... Mighty Whitey said... If blacks can look different than whites, have bigger dicks than whites, run and jump better than whites (just look at the Olympics), be more predisposed for certain diseases than whites (sickle cell), then doesn't it stand to reason that whites and blacks also THINK differently?

Why would the differences btwn whites and blacks ONLY be physical or biological? Doesn't it make sense that the differences would also extend to the functionality of the brain?

Not saying that any individual black guy is gonna be dumber than any individual white guy, just as any individual white guy might run/jump/have a bigger dick than any individual black guy. I'm talking on a larger scale, as a percentage of the population.

It's a fact that blacks score worse on IQ tests than whites (and whites do worse than Asians, so don't get cocky). Nobody denies this.

My question to you is, what does this fact mean? Is the AVERAGE black stupider than the AVERAGE white?

BTW, only one group does better than Asians on IQ tests. Ashkenazi Jews. Figures.

So yeah, I'm thinking this is someone from No Pants Provided being racist without being nasty. Could be wrong, but I sense the style.

Blacks don't universally have bigger cocks than whites, it's just the myth. It's a good myth for blacks so why wouldn't they perpetuate it?

They do seem to be more athletic, with a natural smoothness, reminds me of the time I caught one of my WHITE friends practicing MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This" dance sequence on MTV. I damn near crapped myself.

Blacks have a completely different upbringing, both environmentally and socially than whites. Let's face it, they have a tougher road to travel. Their parents and grandparents remember how things used to be, and that guidance is a factor. Black parents have to work twice as hard to get by, so they aren't there to help develop their child as much as white parents are.

Take a black family, put them in a white suburb, give them all the public educational tools middle class white kids have, and they will score exactly the same. Take a black kid from the city, give him the same universal PSAT test that the white kids get, and they will do worse. They work with the tools given to them, they'll either work twice as hard or give up.

Really, it was only 160 years ago where blacks were looked at as half-men. Now we elected one of them President. On behalf of the white man, let me say: Dear My Dark Skinned Black friends, we're trying. Slowly but surely, we're trying. We mean well, we really do, and we aren't telling n**** jokes behind your backs... (well, we are, but only in general terms) and we aren't assuming that every crime every pulled off was done by a black man (except in Detroit)... we are now including the Latinos.

And we know you laugh at us when we're hit the dance floor. And we are threatened when our white girls date you, and we know your black women rarely get eaten out, and we know you get out of town on Father's day. And we know we are always a year behind on your ebonics and it must drive you nuts to create new phrases and words all the time because we start stealing them. We know you never understood what was so great about Seinfeld or why there were never any blacks on Friends We know we will never be truly, culturally united.

But most of us want to be friends. We're trying.

Thanks, and Peace out.

Tumar Unmebalsac

P.S. Can someone get the word out that I want my wallet back? Thanks.

94) May 28, 2009 3:44 PM... The Real Fake Trish. Really. said... I miss your racist jokes where you substituted "CANADIAN" for "black/n-word/whatever". Question: Have you ever actually been to Canada and what did you think?

This might very well have been her too. She won't be around anymore... unless its to lurk.

Those were great, I agree.

Did you know I AM a bit Canadian? Canadian French. A few generations ago they came down from Montreal to try out the new country. My bloodline was part of that pilgrimage.

I've been to Toronto a long time ago with friends to hit up some strip clubs and legally drink. I think Canada is a very respectable country, very clean, and very much the American minor leagues.

Think about it, Canadian stars climb up from the minors (the homeland), and try to make it in America. If they make it (Jim Carrey, Mike Meyers, Dan Ackroyd, Pam Anderson), they move here and stay. If they don't, they go back to the minors and pretend that they are happy there.

95) May 28, 2009 11:16 PM... Anonymous said... hello hyatte..been reading you for over seven years.. once asked you for advice in the "guide to life" (you never responded by the way)...anyway i have wanted to ask you something for the better part of seven years...are you left-handed??? i don´t know why but for some reason...i have always think you are

Nope, righty. My left hand's only purpose is if I want to experience what it feels like to fuck a retarded person. I wonder, if I lost my right arm, would my left suddenly be able to write and be stronger? Like, if you go blind your other senses improve hardcore. Is it the same with arms?

My mom was a lefty, so I had a 50/50 shot. My mom died. 1994. Apparently, this news comes as a surprise to certain longtime readers.

*************************

THE STRATUSFESTO

2009-02-12T13:13:00.001-08:00

Hmmm.... okay... umm... many of you won't care about this... but some of you know bits and pieces of this... there may be some people reading who had a good laugh at my expense once they heard the news... which is fine. And only a very few people know the full story...

This isn't really for anyone other than me and one other person... but you all are free to enjoy it and make your own conclusions

Okay... since I started this rinky dink net career years and years ago... I always prided myself on being honest and open and talking about shit that happens to me... I know, this should be about WRESTLING... but wrestling news can get boring sometimes... always the same stories, the same complaining... blah, blah, blah

So every so often I open up and speak on things that I want to talk about. Many, MANY times the shit I talk about makes me look like an ass... or a creep.... I don't care, it's raw and from the heart and I like showing a little ass sometimes... I like humiliating myself. Keeps me humble.

And believe me, what I am about to talk about will make me look like a MAJOR fucking creep...

Okay... so I guess you all heard that Trish Stratus is going to leave wrestling when her WWE contract runs out in August... and she's going to marry her long-time boyfriend in September... and chances are VERY good that she won't be back. Meltzer said it, Scherer said it, Keller said it....

I said it, several times over the past year too... I knew this was coming since last November.

How? Because she told me.

Got your attention now, don't I.

For years and years I've been making jokes about my association with a "Trish Imposter" online who brilliantly managed to fool HUNDREDS of people... well, the joke is it was never a Trish Imposter... it was the real girl. 100% Stratigias...

Proof? I have it. But I'm not going to defend this. You may buy into this or not. I know what the truth is, she knows the truth. More than just answering questions, real, concrete, proof... beyond web stuff. That's all I am going to say. After you read this, you can decide for yourself... I don't care if you do or do not believe me... Take my word or shrug it off... doesn't matter anymore.

Okay, so I've been talking to Trish online for about 5 years. And after the first two, she seemed to warm up to me and things got interesting. For whatever reason, maybe because we shared the same type of humor, she started talking to me like a friend more than just a fan, and she started opening up... not much, but dropping little notes and insights about her life that I don't think she would tell just anyone. Some really intense stuff, and other "anti-Trish" like stuff... personal stuff. I'm a good talker and a good listener. We hit it off and became friends. Probably because I never talked about having sex with her. I never told her how hot she was... I treated her like a regular person... which she was. We had some laughs, some warm moments, some serious moments, and it was all good. I never asked for tickets, or autographs for my friends kids, or money, or anything... well, I asked for her phone number more than a few times... but shit, I'm just a fucking human being.

And guess what, she's just a fucking human being too.

Funny thing about Trish is... she would tell me what was going to happen in terms of storylines and future plans in the WWE... and she NEVER got it right... oh sometimes she got it ALMOST right... right enough to seem SORT OF accurate, but never dead on right... it was enough to make me wonder if I'm being scammed... but again, I have enough proof to know the truth. It was and is her. Her misfires about what's going to happen is merely a case of what has been reported for years: that the WWE rarely sticks to its long-range plans... and they've been booking on the fly for years

Anyway, she's a strange girl, open yet closed. She'll tell me all sorts of stuff, but then I'll read an interview with her with some reporter or spot a magazine with her on it and learn something new. I found myself getting upset because I was arrogant enough to think I SHOULD HAVE been made aware of stuff... for no reason other than I seemed to have her confidence, her trust... and I had the impression that she kept her circle of trusted friends really tight. A private girl, Trish is.

But then again, she didn't tell me stuff because I never really asked her stuff. She and I bullshitted... just chilled and talked about whatever crossed our minds at the time... often times drunk. I never interviewed her... which is why she liked me, I think.

And I liked her because she was a down to earth girl who NEVER came off like a star... she wasn't humble... she knew she had a smoking body, but when we bullshitted, it was her sense of humor that got me. She always had a wisecrack ready... so did I... and her sense of humor is a lot more evil than you would think... anyone who reads me knows what sort of sense of humor I have... well, she shares the same kind. Often times we both typed the same wisecrack at the same time, then laughed over how we both though the same thing. As crazy at this sounds... I was more secure and relaxed with HER than I am with any other girl, EVER... I was at my best with her... and I have a feeling she was at her most relaxed, and at her best with me. I think we brought that out of each other, just through chilling and shooting the shit.

One thing I can personally attest to is her back... believe everything you read when she talks about how bad her back injury was... it's still in rough shape... and it never really stopped bothering her... it's why she confessed to me that she was retiring last November... hell, she was originally going to call it a career after this past Wrestlemania... but held on for a few more programs and a few more pay-offs. Then her shoulder seperated and she told me that was the final straw. So everything I'm reading is just her plans coming to fruition...

Except the marriage part...

We never talked about our relationships... I may have asked once or twice, but that was it. The girl is awfully busy and always maintained that she never had much free time... (not like I was asking for a date or anything, just coming up in general chit-chat she would mention how busy she always was.) Plus... well, I we had a relationship that was loose, casual, but flirty too... bringing up significant others would'a ruined it.

Hmm.... okay, before I continue, I should note a few things:

1) No matter how creepy this gets... please, ALL OF YOU, keep in mind that I am NOT a stalker... I will NOT be flying to Toronto anytime soon or in the future to hunt her down... I won't be harrassing her at signings or going to house shows in my area (Raw makes its annual summer trip to the Massachusettes Beaches in a couple of weeks and no, I will NOT be attending.) I AM speaking from my heart but I also have a brain... and a sense of decency... and COMMON SENSE... trust me, the girl is safe from me. She knows this. I just want you all to know this too.

2) I am not "in love" with Trish Stratus... but... umm... okay, let's go on.

So when I read that she was getting married in September... I honestly got mad... I think I started yelling at her... well, at my parrot, but he doesn't sell. If I had her phone number... I would'a left a string of messages... if I could text message her, I would've sent a stream of angry texts... I had her e-mail, of course, but she had long since deleted it... I'll get to why in a minute.

Why did I get mad? It's her fault really... sort of.

You see, this is the beauty of Trish Stratus... she is an easy girl to love, more than just because of her looks... she has a lot of inner light and this well-grounded personality. Even in a bad mood she makes you feel like she cares about you. If she likes you, then she'll go out of her way to make you feel special... she knows who she is, she knew who I am... and she never cared... it wasn't Trish I was talking to... it was a girl named Pat... and insanely hot girl named Pat, but still a regular girl from Canada all the same. Am I dumb enough to think I ever had a shot at her? Naaaah... but she made it tough for me NOT to... she is THAT nice... she liked me for me and I liked her for her...

And now this is where I get... creepy... I am writing this mostly for me, sort of a catharsis... it's my Id unleashed here... it's not what I REALLY think, it's what I WANT to think without the benefit of my rationality... it's deep and dark and stupid and I don't care because it's raw honesty... get ready...

In my heart of hearts, in the deepest part of my soul, I think she had to think long and hard about me... I think... I WANT to think... that she came THISCLOSE to choosing me... to coming down to the States and showing up on my door and saying, "Here I am, let's try this." I WANT TO THINK that she spent a LOT of time thinking about going for it with me... someone she never met... just throwing caution to the wind and just GOING for it... roll the dice, take a shot... it's why she never talked about her boyfriend and never asked me about my girlfriends over the last few years... why ruin the fantasy?

Being honest here... I think we had a connection that was so strong, a perfect synch-up of personality that was so fitting... that for a few moments, she considered me as someone to settle down with. I mean, how many times have YOU met someone who you had almost everything in common with? And wouldn't YOU pursue that?

So I got mad when I read she was getting married... angry... like an idiot... I felt betrayed.

But I can't blame her, when it's something like marriage... and a life decision... you tend to go the safe route... you go with the Devil you know... the sure bet.

Problem is... in my heart of hearts... I think I was the sure bet... and in the deepest, darkest, most hopeful part of my soul, I think she agrees.

But she went with the reliable choice, and who can blame her. Sucks for ME... but oh well.

I think she thought about it very carefully tho'... long and hard... I think I was a big time consideration for her. And I think I'll never know how close I came to being Mr Trish Stratus. So close that she deleted her e-mail account... so close that she hasn't been online in weeks now. I WANT to think I meant something to her... enough so that she felt a clean break was the best break. Not JUST for MY feelings either...

.... and I think... I WANT TO THINK... that she's catching herself thinking of me a lot... and if I see her online, she's just logging on to see if I'm around...

ANYWAY... that's all Id.... my intelligence will never let it go beyond a few daydreams and wistful musings during long car rides. She's safe. Just a nice girl who gave ol' Hy-Rate a few moments of "what if"... I'm sure I'm not the only person whom she touched like this... but I DO think I'm one of the few who touched her.

Was she a perfect girl? Naaah... being her body is her prime source of her career, she was naturally self-centered... and could be quite rude and inconsiderate at times, but not a lot... 95% of the time she was an absolute sweetheart. She worked her ass off for the longest time and deserves pure and total happiness... she's also extremely quick on her (mental) feet and a smart gal... she knows what's she's doing... maybe the most independent thinking girl I've ever known, and honestly someone who is almost 100% self-reliant... she don't need ANYONE, kids... so whatever she does and with whomever is done at her pleasure... I hope her man knows how to stay on his toes and CATER to this gal... I know I would learn... only I'm probably uglier than the guy... and broker... bleech.

And she's now someone elses... and since married people stay married by NOT socializing with single people of the opposite sex, I doubt I'll see her much more...

IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO BACK OUT OF THE WEDDING AND COME TO RHODE ISLAND, TRISH!!! I'LL SEND YOU MY ADDRESS IF YOU ASK!!! Whoops... that damn ID again... let me just shove that thing back down into the pit of my soul... IT'LL BE A SCARY RISK, BUT TRUE LOVE WILL PREVAIL!!! OOOPH.... get in there, ya' bastard...

Anyway... I don't even want to talk to her that much anymore... not to a MARRIED Trish... no fun there... the whole dynamic will be changed... booooring.

So... after 5 years of fun and games and secrets and hidden messages and even a couple of times she did/said something on Raw just for me... it's over... another chapter in my whacked out Net Career is over... and I'm still bummed about it. But I'll get over it... I think she's bummed about it too.... but she'll get over it as well. After all, it's JUST the Internet. It ain't real.

(whichdoesn'tmeanshewon'tmissmesomuchthatshecan'tstanditandcomecrawlingback)

So, on behalf of Wrestling fans: Thank you for the great wrestling, Trish... you showed, more than ANYONE ELSE, just how hard work and dedication can earn you a killer career and MAJOR success... your career should be the blueprint for ALL WRESTLERS, male and female, to follow.

And, on behalf of Hyatte: Thank you for the great times, Pattycakes... after you retire, stay away from candy. Have FUN, loosen up, but don't go overboard, keep that body. And get divorced fast, I've got 5 and 3/4 inches (rounded up to 6!!!!) that still can be ALL YOURS. And a damn heads up e-mail wouldn't have KILLED you.

And... on behalf of Christopher: Thanks Patricia.

And you're welcome

Anyone know April Hunter's home address?

Next week... I'll be here... doing stuff... no clue what... I'm sure something interesting will present itself between now and then...

Axl speaks!!

2008-12-18T22:16:00.000-08:00

Ok then!! The questions aren’t here but the answers as it moves along I think point pretty clearly to what was asked in pretty much order or close of the 7 pages. If I didn't answer it was either already answered, off topic or I mistakenly overlooked the question, my apologies for the inconvenience. It’s not as light hearted as some of the other sessions but that’s the subject matter. Whew!!

So let’s start here… the whole Axl wouldn’t go on stage yada yada… is complete and utter crap.

Never happened, all made up, fallacy and fantasy. Not one single solitary thread of truth to it. Had that been the case I would’ve have been cremated years ago legally, could’ve cleaned me out for the name and damages. It's called under duress with extenuating circumstances. In fact the time that was mentioned the attorneys were all in Europe with us dealing with Adler depositions.

Couldn't talk sooner as it could have jeopardized whatever nonsense was going on.

When Guns renegotiated our contract with Geffen I had the bit about the name added in as protection for myself as I had come up with the name and then originally started the band with it. It had more to do with management than the band as our then manager was always tryin’ to convince someone they should fire me. As I had stopped speaking with him he sensed his days were numbered and was bending any ear he could along with attempting to sell our renegotiation out for a personal payday from Geffen.

It was added to the contract and everyone signed off on it. It wasn’t hidden in fine print etc as you had to initial the section verifying you had acknowledged it.

Now at that time I didn’t know or think about brand names or corporate value etc. All I knew is that I came in with the name and from day one everyone had agreed to it being mine should we break up and now it was in writing.

I still didn’t grasp any other issues until long after I’d left and formed a new partnership which was only an effort to salvage Guns not steal it.

In my opinion the reality of the shift and the public embarrassment and ridicule by others (which included a lot of not so on the level business types he was associating with at the time) for not contesting the rights to the brand name, were more than Slash could openly face. Also we aren’t lawyers or formally business educated so it was just a matter of all of us being naïve and doing what we thought was right at the time. Slash was imo being on the up and up in agreeing I had the rights and I wasn’t trying to be some snake in the grass pulling a fast one. The others could’ve cared less.

But when the reality of the breakup hit and the strategy to have me crawl back was put into play Slash had to save face and get business team and public support. Painting me as the one who held a crowd hostage forcing the others to sign over the name worked out pretty well in that regard. I’m the bad guy and Duff, the fans and most importantly himself were the victims. Oh and they had actually made the sacrifice for the crowd, the people, the fans at the show. But again…. IT NEVER HAPPENED.

Media and others ignorantly, wrongly and falsely harped on about it at mine and the fans expense for years and Slash has hoped to use all that to continually sue and have some sort of legal nonsense going on behind the scenes in an effort to reverse things. He wouldn’t have been able to get the support and action on the part of his various team members over the years to do so if the truth were out there especially when the statute of limitations had run out years ago.

Why keep the name? I’m literally the last man standing. Not bragging, not proud. It’s been a fucking nightmare but I didn’t leave Guns and I didn’t drive others out. With Slash it’s been nothing more than pure strategy and saving face while manipulating the public like he used to me. I earned the right to protect my efforts and to be able to take advantage of our contract I’d worked hard for where Slash’s exact words were that he didn’t care. I get that some like a different version or lineup the same way some like a specific team line up or a particular year of a specific car but because you and I are getting played I’m supposed to throw the baby out with the bath water?

I didn’t make a solo record. A solo record would be completely different than this and probably much more instrumental. I made a Guns record with the right people who were the only people who really wanted to help me try, were qualified and capable while enduring the public abuse for years . The songs were chosen by everyone involved. I didn’t want to do This I love in anyway shape or form and Robin and Caram insisted gaining Tommy’s and the others support. There’s been a lot of pressure to go with using my name (all external) but that never felt right to me for this band and the parameters in regard to this music have lots more to do with the mindset of Guns than something else. The instrumental I wrote for End of Days that’s more a solo effort at least presently.

As far as a new name…this is who I am not whatever else someone else thinks of. I don’t see myself as solely Guns but I do see myself as the only one from the past making the effort to take it forward whether anyone approves or not and giving beyond what many would or fight for to do so. The name helped the music more than you could ever know and I’m not talking in regards to studios or budgets I mean it as in being pushed by something and having to get the music to a place where I can find my peace regardless of what anyone says. And that wasn’t fully achieved until the last round of mastering and swapping out a version of a track at the pressing plant that had gotten inadvertently changed at the last minute.

Also the name was what the industry wanted as well and the burden of keeping it was something to endure in order to make the record. After the monies invested by old Geffen (that were decisions made that have worked out for me but I'm on record as having opposed) dropping the name became suicide.

The cost of legal battles has been astronomical but I felt the deal made with Universal was fair for where it is and most things balanced out for both sides.

David Bowie likes Floyd with Barret, many with Waters and those without. And there are those who like all the different lineups. Imo what makes our situation a bit more unique at least in how it’s played out is the ugliness of what really took place. If I’d done what was said then I’d say fuck me too. I also realize this is just one issue in something with upteen however many more so conclusions can’t be formulated off this little bit alone by most which is more than understandable.

That said because someone leaves the shop I started in which I still legally have the rights to the name I started it with… makes up a bunch of nonsense to win public and legal support in an effort to get whatever it is they want at mine and the public’s expense… I don’t feel any reason whatsoever I should have to throw what I’ve not only worked for but fought and suffered for away because some hurt, angry, betrayed, misguided and lied to people with a lynch mob mentality, joined by others who could care less (especially in the media), enjoying the controversy and hate, choose one over the other regardless of what’s right because they want what they want. And you can still prefer then as opposed to now and no one’s arguing your right to do so.

In regard to nuGuns, I get that sometimes it helps to be able to clarify. Personally I call this Guns and the Illusions or previous lineups old Guns.

We can play what we want as far as I’m aware.

It wasn’t so much that it was a good course or that if looking back I could do something differently it’s that for better or worse it was the only course and had I not done this Slash would have succeeded in destroying me publicly much more than he, others or myself have so far and I would have gone bankrupt.

I don’t know where I’d be but there’s clearly no happy ending there and with everything else that had gone on in every other area of my life the devastation isn’t something I feel I would have overcome at least to any real degree publicly. Hopefully I would’ve been able to pick myself up enough to get a job or sing somewhere else but I doubt anything that significant.

The sharing thing is interesting but even with all this time the complications of the red tape and trying to get something out fall on my world to sort and not theirs. They are amazingly supportive and do their best to keep me in up spirits and focused which I had less and less of in Guns way before Sweet Child caught on. If that were to change then that may be something to look at. I hope for us to grow more together as we continue so who knows.

If I hadn’t secured the rights I don’t know where I’d be and I’d probably call what would then be the current lineup “Those mother fuckers!!”

The name is something I take great pride in as I feel anyone who’s been a part of it should, the same as other bands or teams etc. The burden when it is such is a nightmare but not as much or as hopeless as I’d imagine without it could have been.

On the what’s the difference… I think I get what you’re asking… I feel it depends on how and in what ways either the formers members are using the association and what the true circumstances regarding why they moved on from both the band and the name that would or could affect the decision to continue on with the name by in this case this lineup and or myself.

As for selling more records it’d be nice to be in a position to possibly do so at some point but that’s never been my base reasoning. I would think it fits into not feeling I shouldn’t be forced to throw away possible opportunities in a hostile attempted takeover. I believe I should fight for Guns in a patriotic sense or sense of loyalty or honor. Not just my vision or direction for Guns as those things can evolve and you can make forward moving positive compromises by what others bring to the table but I mean more as in what principles I feel were important to Guns in regard to an overall commitment to the music.

It helped us get here but most of that was with Universal and the positives of that wore off years ago until recently and after the initial run it’ll be about the music and us. Then it’s about touring and there’s not a question the name’s helped at most everywhere but not so much the states. With that it comes down to the strength or quality of the performance. Having the name kicks your ass every night as it’s not some side project or something u can fuck off in. You don’t deliver u get your ass handed to u. So it makes us work much harder than I feel we would outside of it and it hasn’t been too ugly yet.

I didn’t see lineup changes etc back then I saw it more as a crash and burn, goin’ down with the ship. On one hand I knew the band was over before we started touring Illusions but you have hope… but I saw it more like the Titanic sinking than moving on or surviving. And in reality I went the distance with each and every one in Guns to where they felt for whatever reasons they either couldn’t or wouldn’t give what Guns required.

And I’m not talking change of styles or sounds etc. A lot of people bought that crap and me having gone in other directions seems to many to have verified that. Then you have the mind twisting equally as true horseshit in Slash’s book but I have the rehearsal tapes. There’s nothing but Slash based blues rock and he stopped it to both go solo and try to completely take over Guns. I read all this if Axl would’ve put words and melodies on it could’ve… That was denied and I didn’t walk till several months after having 3 to 4 hour phone conversations nearly every day with Slash trying to reach a compromise. I was specifically told no lyrics, no melodies, no changes to anything and to sing what I was told or fuck off.

As to what would possibly make me change the name would be some form of evolving that I don’t feel we’ve reached yet and not in any way consciously trying to at this time. It’s really hard to say. I’d have to feel it was right for me and those involved and whatever we’re doing at that time.

Never thought about that , with the RRHOF. The whole “mature enough” bit was cute. Not to offend anyone but personally I don’t have an interest and other than inducting Elton don’t quite get what it is exactly and who decides what. It seems to mean more to some than others and more so amongst fans. It’s nice to get recognition and have some form of acceptance but in regards to joining others the price is too high and just not worth it. It’s a ways away and seems a bit presumptuous to be contemplating being inducted now.

About following particular styles yes I do feel there are parameters with Guns as opposed to not being or in Guns. Chinese is imo an evolution not necessarily how each from the past would but how the music and intent could and did. Guns did not have specific lifelong criteria to follow and many of the influences on Appetite were abandoned by the others long before me. In fact Slash hated a good portion of those on Appetite and wasn’t all that into the involvement or association but knew it worked at the time and realized it was the cusp of a wave that was growing. It’s a trip for me to witness as so many of the people he performs with etc he hated then, them, their bands and their music where the others or I were the fans.

I like touring with these guys a lot more than the old band. The beginning was fun but it started going bad our first gig opening for the Cult in Halifax between Slash and I. That’s when the ok I put up with all Axl’s and Izzy’s crap now I’m gonna be the man trip started with him runnin’ right out front on the ego ramp for the whole show. It was pretty funny.

No one ever talked about or suggested using another name. The guys are really respectful in regard to the old band and I’m not sure if they’ve said a paragraph apiece in all the years towards or about the old band whether I’m talking about whatever or not. But from being with me for so long they know a lot of it’s shit so they get bummed at the endless interviews and nonsense. Personally I’m so proud of them I wouldn’t know how to express it. I can’t see me handing something like this as they have with so much class and maturity especially being shit on publicly to such a degree. “Hey join my band, bring an umbrella!!”

If I were to leave Guns I could consider giving, selling, shelving or opening a GNR Burger chain with the name!! Ha!! j/k. I’m not so different than the alumni in that there’s generally something going on that makes things suck and when that reaches overflow I want out too but if you didn’t when it’s ugly I think that’d be less normal.

If I went solo which I haven’t I wouldn’t call it Guns.

The name does come from mine and Traci’s as the original inspiration but was something I played with not Traci and Guns was Guns before Traci joined. It was Guns Before I knocked on Izzy’s window. Earlier I had gotten Tracii to use the name Guns (as he had mentioned a girl had called him Mr. Guns sometime) so he’d stop calling his band Persian Rose. So I guess we have the girl to thank.

The other’s having a sense of entitlement to the name isn’t completely off but has more to do with how Slash dealt with things and his particular strategy and I say strategy because that’s what it’s been. But since I managed to hold out that didn’t play out so well for him in regard to the name.

It’s a band name more than a brand name. As Tommy said regarding our struggles to make this happen “We’re not lettin’ what took so much blood and heart get turned to shit and dust.” And I guess you could apply that to current former or whatever.

Slash never had ANY arguments for keeping the name until long after and again I feel that had a lot to do with seedy biz types and him feeling he had to save face.

Keeping the band name alive was very important. Not out of ego and I don’t know exactly why in the sense of putting into words but I think it has something to do with the global effect it has and how Guns surviving in some way is sometimes inspiring to others around the world and in that there’s a sense of obligation.

I don’t regret keeping the name though I wish more were supportive or at least not as aggressively opposed.

The details are that my attorney shit when I made the move. He was very against it fearing long litigation but even then no one talked about brand names or individual interests in a brand name. I look back and have no idea why. Not my people, not his people, no one.
No one pressured me, everyone was afraid and no one including myself wanted to break up Guns or the relationship. And Bubbles and I talk all the time!

We can “chat” about the contract and the reasoning another time

The battles were during the breakup. Our people and my individual legal basically forced me to go thru the motions with everything I had to make things work for over 2 years in the sense that if they felt I wasn’t making every effort 110% and with all the sincerity and all above board I wouldn’t have their support which I wanted, couldn’t afford to lose or risk losing. Which led to the trial period where Slash played the key bits of Fall to Pieces but once I showed some interest that was over.

I get the part about reckless but it was more about strategy and underestimating how long I would stick with it.

As far as people knowing me, this is a statement that in light of others decisions that I chose to pursue as Guns N’ Roses and what some may feel is a different this or that may seem as if the arguments or disagreements are about the band or the style of music such as blues or influences on earlier Guns has some relevance but imo points more to deeper base elements I wanted to put forth for people in general.

Such as a more positive intent and instead of as self destructive more of healing. There’s all kinds of things to help you die or be more negative. I wanted to try and make as powerful a hard rock album as we could while incorporating beauty and an openness to other forms both traditional and more recent without going religious etc. I didn’t attempt to make a party record or dance record both elements consciously in Appetite. I wasn’t trying to purposefully appeal to the heartland or middle America in those ways (not that I was trying to avoid them or have an issue). But for example Sweet Child wasn’t in any way trying to write a “hit” mainstream song it was trying to write the best Guns N’ Roses Lynard Skynard influenced song we could as tribute and recognition in the tradition of Tuesdays Gone With the Wind or Simple Man etc and at a time when nothing could have seemed more unpopular.

One man forced me to work with others. One man forced me to work with others to survive. And I can’t say what would have happened on different terms. I say yes because it was agreed from day one. U have to realize we were on the street. It wasn’t the first band. Whoever thought of the name kept the name unless he gave it up or moved on. Everyone was always having a new version of whatever their band name was. I wouldn’t have thought of using LA Gunns or any of Slash’s band names. We all knew that we could break up the next week. You had to have that stuff somewhat sorted between each other going in. It was a deal that we made. The issue becomes the value or perceived value now and the fans attachment and or acceptance. Really weren’t things we consciously considered even during the breakup.

I don’t exactly know what Guns N’ Roses is but I know it’s my job in the sense of an obligation and I’m good with that.
The name and rights have nothing to do with the breakup. That’s all a created façade a decoy and a smoke screen. Now had what Slash said actually transpired then I’d say of course but in reality, No.

Going into Guns there wasn’t a #2. At that time I was going to make it in a band that started as Guns N’ Roses and could evolve but that was the starting point and it was all the way or bust. I knew what I wanted when I knocked on Izzy’s window. I also knew I wanted Slash but we still had differences and Izzy wasn’t down with it.

I wasn’t legally obligated but we probably would have gotten dropped and I would have been driven into bankruptcy.

I think it varies and happy Christmas to u and everyone.

I don’t think about the dangerous bit or status or identification. I’ve always thought of the symbolism since thinking of the 2 words together. And in that I absolutely feel this is a Guns N’ Roses record.

It’s an issue that gets brought up a lot especially in the media at all levels and it gets really ugly. It’s ugly right now with dj’s across the country who feel their sticking up for something that they bought into unaware. So I wanted to start going at it a bit.

Most critics have higher opinions of theirs than is merited. I haven’t read much from outside sources in the media regarding my world that know much of anything let alone what would be in my best interest other than looking at events in hindsight and playing armchair music mogul. Which most times means nothing and though could seem logical is usually just as far off base as anything else they’ve said.

The heart and commitment these guys play the material with is much more than the others were prepared to give pursuing their own interests for a very long time. The music changed after Slash and I parted so the direction was where I took Guns not where I had intended or tried to go previously. It had a lot to do with not finding or knowing a more blues based player that I found inspiring and I was really knocked down and beat up. Slash, Duff and Matt’s decisions had as much to do with kicking a guy when he’s down or abandoning ship at the time as anything else. Other things were going on with music as well, we were basically dead at Geffen. I liked other things as well so I wanted to explore, be legitimate and survive. I wasn’t doing what was written so often about chasing fads etc. Jesus, I wouldn’t have agreed for Zakk to come down if any of Slash’s or the media’s nonsense were real. And that could’ve worked on some level but like Guns it would’ve been up to those two and their relationship. They talk nice but it wasn’t pretty… but it was pretty awesome!!

No plans not to be Guns for the future.

Solo efforts… Much more experimental and instrumental.

It doesn’t bother me unless it’s being done at my expense and or to keep him associated as in Guitar Hero. Him being Guitar Hero’s fine but not when Activison in using Jungle, having Yahoo use Sweet Child unauthorized, claims no involvement with Slash, his or anyone’s image or VR or anyone or anyone’s music in either camp in promotion or commercials etc. I wasn’t broadsided. I read about it as it moved along but Activision continually denied it right up to the release. That’s some low life chicanery on all their parts.

Yes Slash was in Guns and on Jungle (and the whole I came to him for his riff is as much crap as him saying he brought Locomotive and Coma in as complete songs) and he has rights to perform it but not to be represented in this context in association with Guns. And since they weren’t granted the license it’ll take some sorting.

Universal has Guns under contract but I own the name.

I don’t have problems with whoever doing the songs but film or video gets into sync rights and I don’t have an interest in anyone new, old or whatever trying to sell themselves as GNR under another name that way.

It’s my understanding the lawyers were scammed like the everyone else so for them to continually try and find a way to reverse things is normal and would seem appropriate but again it NEVER Happened.

Thanks everyone. Hope to get back soon. I’ll take a look at that list. As long as we don’t get to personal or offensive I’m good with things. Thanks for all the questions, my apologies for not answering specifically to each, this was just a bit easier for this subject. Hope no one took wanting to stay on topic to personal. Thanks again to everyone who participated. Thanks to everyone for the great comments and appreciation. Happy Holidays.

Axl-

for reaction and his reaction to the reaction... go here

The man is a certifiable lunatic, or a genius.