While I like the overall idea of a live action blog, and I guess you all like the change of pace, I do want to break it up into monthly segments. I mean, keeping the endless blog going for 1000 posts would've been fun, but really... it's just 50 of you posting anonymously. And that's stretching it.
So welcome to our June blog. Let's keep the party rolling.
And Torrie Wilson looks PHENOMINAL without makeup, all sweaty and grimed up... she still looks amazing. But she's also clearly shy and passive. Sort of explains why she reached a certain point in the WWE but never advanced much beyond.
Still, an absolute breathtaking girl. Heartstopper.
96) May 29, 2009 12:58 AM... Anonymous said... hyatte, thanks for the mention :] back when you ACTUALLY HAD A PHONE THAT I COULD CALL, we chatted quite a bit. now that you don't, you aren't updated on my life :[ i also think it's odd that i'm one of a handful of people who ACTUALLY know what you look like. and i didn't go around spreading it, did i? therefore, i'm trustworthy. and the best. and awesome. but we all know that already. ok. talk to you soon buddy. ps: skirt day.
Darling, all things considered and with all the bullshit I deal with from other girls, you are easily the smartest, sassiest, most fun chick I've EVER had the pleasure of knowing. And the best. And I'd trust you with bank account numbers.
But what's this about wanting to talk to me on the phone? Silly girl, you're not supposed to want that. Not with a piece of internet pond scum like me.
97) May 29, 2009 1:10 AM... Neo said... Chris...been a big fan of yours from back in the day. I remember that somewhere around 2004 you had a little thing called "Hyatte's Guide to Life" going. Now hypothetically if you were actually from a fairly conservative third world country, where it wasn't that easy to get pussy out of marraige, would you still be single? I personally think sex is a non-entity when it comes to making that decision, you either want to be by yourself or with someone. Also do you reckon a single man and a single woman can ever be "just good friends"??
I'm not sure how it works in your standard third world nation, but I'm sure I could get someone to hand his daughter off to me for a camel and some promises of afterlife virgins.
Sex is overrated in the long haul. I mean, really... once you blast off on her from every conceivable position, no matter how hot and good it is, eventually, after being married for a couple of years, it gets down to a few minutes a pop a few nights a week... before it dwindles down to nothing. Then you have to actually LIKE the person you're with. Not LOVE, you can love someone and still hate their guts, but you have to ENJOY THEIR COMPANY forever. That's what people don't get. You have to be able to perfectly mesh with your mate, it can't be out of passion or habit, because neither will last.
Basically, you have to fill her holes and she has to fill yours.
Or, if you prefer to be alone, then be alone. Fuck conformity, no one gets to live your life but you.
And yes, men and women can just be good friends. Take the girl above, a very good friend of mine but I have zero desire to fuck her. And no, she isn't Gloomchen.
98) May 29, 2009 8:00 AM... FLEA said... http://web.archive.org/web/20040616195158/1ryderfakin.com/COLUMNSMAIN.htm.
ain't it funny, how time slips away
FLEA
Ahh brother, I knew it was never gonna last. I knew Grut wouldn't EVER be able to sustain a one-act play format for long. I knew Eric S would run out of things to say.
And I knew I would get sick of giving people advice on how to pick up girls... time after time again.
However, you did manage to keep the front page interesting with your choice of pictures... and it does hold the greatest "And Another Thing" EVER...
Plus, somewhere in there is a short story about a girl who sees a demon in her mirror which I liked writing.
Chasey's Eyes... another chick who let me down.
99) May 29, 2009 1:45 PM... Julie said... Thanks Chris! Loving this format - fun to read your take on things :)
Ladies Love Cool Hy
100) May 29, 2009 10:58 PM... stewie said... Bah, imposter stewie and your Gaydar comments. Christopholes, have you ever had anything happen to you that can be defined as paranormal?
Well, someone did ask about my meeting with Satan, and I'll probably get to it before the day is over, but as far as a good ol' fashioned ghost story, I'll give you this:
I used to live one street away from my high school, which means I could walk through a neighbor's yard and BOOM, the school is right there. So no bus stops, no waiting, no getting up early to catch it.
So I could get up 30 minutes before homeroom bell and make it, showered, fresh, ready.
So, of course, I'd stay up late and watch Carson or something... actually, I had a horrible system where I'd sleep in the afternoon after school so I'd be all revved up at bedtime... I wouldn't fall asleep until midnight or so. It's how I discovered Letterman at 12:30.
(sidenote: Conan O'Brien's entire late night act was completely influenced by Dave's late night act... don't kid yourselves)
Anyway, this led to me being consistently late for school, or at least being always reluctant to get up in time. My mom, who got up roughly the same time I did, had her own issues with getting up in time, so she would force herself up to get ME up so then we would both be up.
Well, one morning, I was snoring away, and the radio alarm was working, and I was managing to snooze through it, when Mom started shaking me awake. She grabbed my shoulders and JACKED me awake with strength I didn't know she had. I ignored the first time, mumbling, "I'm up, I'm up." Then drifting off again. Then she shook me again, a MONSTER wake up shake that went through my whole body.
"OKAY, MA!! I'M UP!!" I screamed.
"Good for you," she said... FROM HER BEDROOM!!!
She wasn't the one shaking me. And it was just me and her.
Apparently, ghosts hate radio alarms... or one of my dead grandparents came for a visit and wanted my lazy ass up on time, for once.
Never happened again, but it was definitely a paranormal deal.
101) May 30, 2009 1:00 AM... JesseBaker said... Jesse Baker here, letting you all know it's my birthday and as such, I have a birthday request question for Chris Hyatte:
Given that time has passed, what is your opinion on Chris Benoit's death? What was your reaction to hearing about his death, and later of the news that he did himself in after savagely murdering his family?
Do you consider the topic of the murder-murder-suicide "off limits" as far as joking about it, due to the fact that Benoit didn't just kill two random strangers, but his wife and young son and as such, takes the crimes to a level where you can't find a way to laugh at it because wife and child killing can't be made funny, no matter how hard you try and find refuge in black humor?
I say this because, for me at least, the various off-color jokes that the internet made about Chris Benoit's crimes/death helped me get through the scandal, due to the fact that the crimes were such a complete opposite to the image Benoit presented to the public, that morbid humor was the only way to truly process the monsterous things he did that day as far as "One of my favorite wrestler is a a murderous monster, so the only way I can deal with it, is to accept that he did these crimes and laugh at the horror in order to accept the grim reality of what had happened".
I'd like to hear your thoughts on the subject and how you feel about it in terms of "Can we make fun of Benoit's death?" or if the whole thing is something of an open wound that can never heal?
Well Happy Belated Birthday, Jesse.
A kid died. His mother died. Neither did anything wrong. Nothing funny there.
But Jesus Christ, I still find it hilarious that Benoit hung himself by a machine pully in his gym. He wanted to get in one last set of squats before packing it in. BWAHAHAHAAA!! ONE MORE REP!! LET ME TAME THIS MOTHA!!! YEEAAAAHHHH!!
See, not funny. A kid died. Died from the Crippler Crossface... "TAP, YOU BRAT!! TAAAAPPP YEEEEEAAAAAARGH!!!!!"
No, see... not funny.
Plus, no one was held accountable for it. Vince threw money at Benoit's surviving family and that was it. The government doesn't care. No one is outraged. No one did anything other than take a pass at suing the WWE for how they run their business.
The guy's head was turned to mush thanks to all those flying headbutts he took (even though he was told NOT TO after his neck surgery a few years before... funny how no one ever seemed to recall that), and yet there he was... diving away night after night and putting all kinds of stuff in his veins.
It's... just not a story that lends itself to comedy. A kid died.
A kid died. End of story.
101) May 30, 2009 11:27 AM... Laughing Larry said... Let it never be said that doing steriods will not make you well hung. Ask Mike Awesome, too
Eh... so/so.
You know what bothers me about Mike Awesome? He wrestled that Jap at the first One Night Only PPV. During his match, all the WWE wrestlers in the balcony collectively turned their backs on him and the match and wouldn't turn around until it was over. No one mentioned this before, during, or after. No newsletter writer commented on it, and no one online as far as I could tell. I mean, I know why they did... but I find it strange that the act was ignored.
102) May 30, 2009 4:57 PM... Anonymous said... Have you checked out fleshbot recently? Looks like Matt Stryker is pretty impressed with himself.
Recently? Dude, what makes you think I would know what "fleshbot" is or that I would go there at all? Jesus, I'm not some perv... just a dude who likes his porn. Red-blooded, healthy... NOT a perv.
Nic Cage will NEVER catch me in some dark basement whacking it to some grainy video of a girl blowing Lassie!! Okay!!
I never wondered what Stryker's sexual preference was (and for Chrissakes, who would?)... but now I guess we know. Heh, and now we know why he got out of the school teaching industry... heh... those lucky kids.
*********
103) May 31, 2009 2:31 AM... Chandler313 said... "There is a Devil, y'know... I've been visited by him back in the day (nothing too terribly dramatic. I didn't have fucking tea with him or anything.)" That line surprised me a bit. Were you being literal? And, if so, what's the story behind that statement?
Met him in a dream.
Okay, this is going to sound stupid... and you all have every right to dismiss it as bullshit or me jerking you off. All I can say is that I promised honesty here so everything I am about to write is 100% true. Take it at face value or don't.
My mom turned to God during a bad time in her (our) lives... that being my Dad, and... without being a Jesus freak or using Him as a crutch, seemed to get special treatment.
The woman occasionally spoke in tongues. Trust me when I say, she diodn't know any other languages, but once in a while, she would just start chatting away in a different language. It was both creepy and exciting at the same time.
I guess you could say that she was blessed, and I was to to a lesser extent.
Around this time (late 80's)I was questioning God and religion and everything about it, and was also interested in Satan... who he was, what does he do, how does this work... blah, blah, blah... as a joke I would sometimes offer my soul up to him in exchange for various goods and services, but pull back at the last minute or dismiss it. Stupid stuff, kid stuff... I also was 20-21 and thinking myself invincible. I called out satan, I guess. I wanted to see what the big deal was.
But when you're blessed, you sort'a get a spotlight on you.
I think I was twenty when I had the dream. I was standing in my driveway on a nice, sunny day. A shiny red sports car drove up and pulled in. I was facing the passenger side. The window was opened. The driver was a youngish, nice looking blonde lady dressed in a white business suite, sunglasses, and her hair done up like she was going to a nice dinner with someone. The passenger was a man in a gray suit, salt and pepper mustache/hair, and very intense blue eyes. He was staring at me.
The lady spoke and said that they heard that I was interested in "giving yourself over to Satan". I leaned on the open window with my hands and, very friendly like, said, "Oh no, I'm sticking with God."
The passenger guy with the grayish suit/hair just burned his blue eyes at me. And he was scowling, not angrily, just intense.
"The blonde said, "That's not what we heard."
Then it felt as if my right coat arm was caught in the side mirror of the car. I couldn't pull away. Dreams don't give you the luxury of time to slowly build up any emotions, so I grew real frantic, real fast, then became terrified. I knew I was in some trouble here and started yanking on my arm.
Then my brain went off autopilot and I TORE my ass awake... sweating, breeathing heavy, terrified... the whole magilla.
Understand, I was 20-21 at the time... I was totally invincible. Here I was literally pissing in my pants.
I remember everything about that dream now... most vivid dream I ever had. He never visited me since in dreams... but for a few years, occasionally, I would sense something in my room with me... and real hardcore terror would wash over me... afraid to move terror. The Lord's prayer followed by the Hail Mary would chase it off, or at least give me a sense of peace and calm.
This lasted until my Mom died (turns out, I was only blessed by proxy)... well, there was one more time on a cruise ship, but after that, I was left alone.
I don't have the answers, or the facts, just my interpretation... and I know what I know... and I can tell you every line on that guy's face in my dream... every detail.
And before you explain to me how crazy I am... please remember the great line from Verbal Kint in The Usual Suspects:
"The greatest trick the Devil ever played was making the world think he didn't exist."
104) May 31, 2009 11:01 AM... Derek said... Good call on that Derek Burgan idiot. Guy thinks he's the next Dave Meltzer when at best he's the next Scott Keith!
Tell me Derek, did you google my name or did you google your own name hoping to God to find someone... ANYONE... talking about you?
You're the type of IWC asshole I was most afraid of becoming, and never did.
105) May 31, 2009 11:16 AM... Anonymous said... Hyatte, I've always wondered something. During your online tenure, did you ever have any interaction with Dave Meltzer? And why did you never feel the need to clown him in your columns like you did with oh so many others? (Well besides his grammer issues)
Because he made a career, a lucrative career out of this before anyone even knew what the Internet was. Because he jam packs his newsletter every week with stuff. Because his news stories are never wrong or questioned. Because he keeps the grandstanding light.
In a cyber world full of dinks, he's a professional.
Here's the best analogy I can think of. Let's say I was this news host on for an hour a week on a low-rated cable network... let's say "E" or "HDNet" or something like that. Let's say I brought in respectable numbers... top 15 ratings at least.
Now let's say I spent a good portion of my show goofing on all the other news shows... O'Reilly, Olbermann, Hannity, Grace, Larry King, Dateline, that Pedophile guy, 20/20... all of them. Let's say I just hammered all of them.
I would never go after "60 Minutes" tho'. I would never go after the standard by which all others are judged on.
Meltzer is the "60 Minutes" of wrestling reporting.
Bryan Alverez can suck my dick, however.
But I like Todd Martin's Raw recaps. I used to hate him but then I realized that he's being honest and consistent. He only pisses on the show when he's annoyed by what they are doing, and isn't afraid to say when it's they put on a good program that week.
Todd never missed a column of mine either. He usually sent me a snotty email just a few hours after I posted a column that happened to reference him in some mean-spirited way.
106) May 31, 2009 1:46 PM... Anonymous said... Is the funniest thing ever at the 1:32 mark of this video? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adZV0N5NHO0&feature=channel_page
I love those things. I think that was Trish under that mask.
107) May 31, 2009 3:18 PM... JesseBaker said... Hatte's clowned on Meltzer before: mainly mocking Dave's Wrestling Observer "website" (if you can call it a website) as far as being nothing more than a glorified placeholder website with nothing of note on it, except information about how to subscribe to the actual newsletter.
Well... yeah.... the boy did go kicking and screaming into the World Wide Web. I'm pretty sure he took forever before understanding that this fad wasn't going away.
108) May 31, 2009 3:18 PM... Dave Meltzer said... Don't fuck with me, boy. I'm more powerful than you could EVER fucking imagine.
Yeah, even though Dave rocked the world's most serious mullet for much of his life, I find it very hard to believe he would quote bad George Lucas dialogue at me...
... yeah, as opposed to GOOD george Lucas dialogue...
109) May 31, 2009 4:22 PM... Boris said... Hyatte. This is great stuff. Thanks for the quality free entertainment.
Thank you Boris!! It's readers like you that make it all wort... wait a second... OH YOU FUCKING RAT JAP CUMSTAIN!! DIE DIE DIE!!!
Fuckin' bastard.
110) May 31, 2009 10:12 PM... Anonymous said... "Me, I keep women so dry I can see a mirage in their chooch. Is that water way back there? No, DAMMIT!!!" Please explain
.... uhh... see... the joke is... ha ha.... that I make women so dry that they literally have a desert in their.... hole... and the desert is so hot, dry, and desolate that I can see a mirage deep inside... ummm....
Put it this way, if I was any worse at sex I could be a housebuilder in Ontario
111) May 31, 2009 11:54 PM... Factor said... Hyatte me boy, this has been a qualified success! Are you at all worried/excited about the "don't get it's" coming back? Are the unwashed lurking? Will we get to enjoy the carnage?
I don't worry about anything here. I'm God here. I can delete/erase/moderate anything I want whenever I want.
Lots of people are lurking, most people never post comments, even anonymously. And I'm quite sure 90% of them bathe regularly.
What carnage? Ship has sailed, my friend.
112) June 1, 2009 2:16 PM...Anonymous said... Without lying... how many different sexual partners have you had?
Over 20 years... 21 now... NO, 22... in the high 30's low 40's. I tend to be monogamous, even with flings and short term things. I also go through hot patches and dry patches.
And if you count activity in various bus stalls... well then we're deep in the 70's, my friend... DEEP... boom boom pow
And I'll call it an evening here. Talk to you tomorrow.
*********
113) June 1, 2009 3:45 PM... Anonymous said... So how old were you when she went? How did you handle it?
I was 24 and I handled it like a champ. Didn't cry or anything. My mind was nice enough to put up mental walls to let me deal with it, so that I never missed her, and to this day I still really don't.
I don't miss anyone after they go, it's a strength.
114) June 1, 2009 4:35 PM... Anonymous said... What should a respectable professional in an office environment do when he sharts his pants in the middle of the day?
Take a sick day and cite massive diarrhea. I love using the ol' diarrea excuse, I try to get it in at least once a year, especially when there is a change in management so I have a new boss to run all my true-blue excuses through.
And who couldn't use a day off to chill and watch Ellen and drink beer all day?
115) June 1, 2009 7:14 PM... Anonymous said...
PEOPLE IN THE PLAAAAAAAAACEEEEE
IF YOU WANNA GET DOWNNNNNNN
PUT YOUR HAAAANDS IN THE AIRRR
WILL.I.AM DROP THE BEAT DOWN
DODODO GOTTA GET THAT DOO DOODOOOO
Song of the summer... CD of the year drops next Tuesday.
Hi Kitten.
Speaking of which, check out the video For I Gotta Feelin' right here. Fergie's ALL slutted up and looking awesome with her dark hair. Song is a bit lame, but that bitch looks GOOD for 33.
116) June 1, 2009 10:37 PM... richardrh said... hogan and vince....madmen or misunderstood geniuses?
Neither are mad or geniuses, just opportunists. Vince's problem is that he has no way of reading pop culture anymore. Hogan's problem is that he's too old and stiff to do ring work anymore, and putting his family on TV has backfired in a MAJOR way.
117) June 2, 2009 7:23 AM... Patricia said... So I forgot, momentarily. Way to overreact.
Sweetheart, it's so much more than just that it isn't even cute anymore.
You come find me when you decide to stop being such a c-word. And then maybe I'll start writing first again. In the meantime, what's one less AIM window on your screens? You'll barely notice I'm not there.
118) June 2, 2009 1:18 PM... Anonymous said... Tumar Unmebalsac?? Bwaaa haaa haaa haaa!
See! SEE??? THE WIT IS STILL THERE!!! Youjusthavetolookalittleharder
119) June 2, 2009 1:21 PM...Anonymous said... If you knew FOR SURE that there was no god, and after you died, that would be it.... would it change your approach to life?
I have no idea. Sorry, but it's not something I dwell on.
120) June 2, 2009 1:42 PM... The Man said... Why is it that women like to make men suffer?
AH, because we like to make them suffer too. It's the person, not the gender.
Deep down - and really not that deep - we all like to give our egos a charge. Having power over someone and being able to make them happy, make them sad, piss them off, and drive them crazy is... like... the ultimate.
The trick is to be aware that he/she is pushing your buttons and deal with it accordingly. Some of the power is taken away when you know he/she is doing it for a reason.
Still, if she refuses to stop being a bitch, you gotta cut her loose.
121) June 2, 2009 6:24 PM...Anonymous said... who would win in a fight a gorilla or a kangaroo?
A gorilla, but it would take a LOOOOOOOOOONG time because he won't be able to catch that hopping bitch... but once he corners it, its over.
Please, give my throbbing brilliance a challenge.
****************
Quiet weekend. So I thought I would enjoy it and chill here.
I am on my 8th beer. 3 beers from a local brewery... BLUEBERRY Ale... and 5 Miller Genuine Draft. I love beer so clear I can read a newspaper through a full bottle.
Jesus, I just erwealized I opened a bottle and drank deep while having a halkf drunk bottle still undrunken. This calamity will be redctified about 3 seconds after I type this sentence.
Done and done. Now let's see what you rotten bastards have to say.
122) June 3, 2009 1:31 AM... Anonymous said... OK, to the guy who has the copy of the Edge episode one on CD-R; now that Hyatte's given his permission, rip away and upload that MP3 file onto the net and post said link to it in this blog please.
Yeah, get to it sambo... only I'm alowed to make promsies I have no intention of keeping. Her too, but she's history.
123) June 3, 2009 8:37 AM... fbintx said... you have made it clear over the years that your mom has been deceased for quite a while. you have also painted a not-so-rosy picture of your relationship with her. that could have been schtick, though.
Yeah... YEAH!!
Ahhhhh... mom wasn't so bad. She had her bad points but generally was a good ol' gal. Got along well with all my friends and girls. Had no sex drive, tho'... after my father was tossed she displayed zero horniness... never dated. Nice cans... I saw them once when she didn't hear me come down the hall. Solid C's. Droopy.
My neighborhood was weird... guys liked to get naked and prance around our yard late at night while she watched TV, Another guy climbed a tree to spy on her in the bedroom. Problem was, the branch broke and he fell and hit the ground... fell a good 16 feet too. She swears she heard him bark in pain before scampering.
This was no MILF, by the way, just a nice, easygoing lady. Her favorite swear was a tie between "Fuckface" and "Peckerpuss". I think I need to use "fuckface" more often... what a great word.
124) June 3, 2009 9:51 AM... Anonymous said... Can I touch your pee pee?
Goodfella?
125) June 3, 2009 11:21 AM... Anonymous said... <<< OK, to the guy who has the copy of the Edge episode one on CD-R; now that Hyatte's given his permission, rip away and upload that MP3 file onto the net and post said link to it in this blog please. >>>
I checked my CD collection here three times over to make sure, and it turns out my CD-R of that show is in storage about 300 miles away (dammit). I will be heading back there in the coming weeks and will upload it ASAP. Sorry for the wait, thought I had it on hand...
Take yer time, fuckface. We ain't going anywhere.
126) June 3, 2009 11:53 AM... Guido Gus said... In what ways would your life be different if your mom hadn't died? I'm sure you've thought about that...
I have no idea, I'd still probably have much of the same philosophy.
127) June 3, 2009 11:59 AM... Ned said... "In what ways would your life be different if your mom hadn't died?" He'd be getting laid more, that's for sure.
I'm getting laid PLENTY, thankyouverymuch.
She's caught me masterbating 5 times... 3 of those times within the same week. She always would have a look of disgust on her face before walking away. One time I went nuts and started following her with my crank in my hand, "IT'S JUST NORMAL SHIT, MA!! STOP TRING TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE I JUST BUTTFUCKED THE DOG!!!"
Right about there I knew it was time to find my own place. I was 22. I moved out when I was 24. This was not the most noble move on my part.
128) June 4, 2009 11:23 AM... MiCasa said... I'm amazed you're still around.
.........
Okay... errm... this appears to be legendary IWC icon, MiCasa: aka Mike Samuda.
Samuda was a huge internet reporter waaaaaaaaay back in the late 90's because all he did was write what Melter said and wrote on his hotline and newsletters... but this was before Meltzer even dreamed of starting a website. Samuda later joined "The Rick" Rick Scaia (cocksucker) for "Wrestlemaniacs". Then Samuda, who made no secret his intent to become a lawyer, passed the bar and left the IWC forever.
This... is probably a fake, some poser just having some easygoing fun... but in case it is the REAL Mike Samuda... who I actually LIKED even during my worst period of Internet Hooliganism...:
I'm amazed you googled my name and found this! And why is it so amazing that I'm still here? You're boy, The Rick, is still around too only I managed to CHANGE MY GAME SEVERAL TIMES!!! That little bitch is doing the same bullshit he did 12 years ago!
ANyway, I'm glad you're reading. If its really you... ahhh, I'm glad you're reading anyway, even if your a fake.
I'm glad you're ALL reading. Especially if you have a pussy. And a good attitude... and love me. Lots of you bitches don't love me at all. Just users.
BLAHHHHHH....
3 beers left... I'm going to watch Ice Road Truckers
On Tuesday, Fergie Ferg shows us how to get it DONE!!
***********
Well, so far the burning question of the day is... Will I. Am? 4 realz?
129) June 4, 2009 1:49 PM... Anonymous said... "You know what bothers me about Mike Awesome? He wrestled that Jap at the first One Night Only PPV. During his match, all the WWE wrestlers in the balcony collectively turned their backs on him and the match and wouldn't turn around until it was over. No one mentioned this before, during, or after. No newsletter writer commented on it, and no one online as far as I could tell. I mean, I know why they did... but I find it strange that the act was ignored."
- Why did they turn their backs on him? Because of how he left ECW in lurch as the reigning heavyweight champion for WCW?
Well, yeah. I realize this. He blew off some unspoken locker room code of honor or something. I was just wondering why it went virtually ignored.
And boy, the investment paid off for Bischoff, didn't it?
I'll always hold a special place in my heart for the first One Night Stand. If only for the damn near kayfabe breakling shot of the WWE guys clowning around in the balcony. Kurt Angle taking off his shirt and looking completely zonked. Edge spittaking when Heyman screamed, "I got two words for ya! Matt FUCKING HARDY!!" JBL not quite laughing when Heyman said, "The only reason you're the champion on Smackdown is because Triple H doesn't want to work on Tuesdays!!" (and I recall reading that Vince himself was a bit shaken up when Heyman said that too.)
Oh, and the wrestling was good too... I think... what was the main event again?
And of course, the BEST part was....
130) June 4, 2009 2:47 PM... Moonage Daydream said... Because they are/were WWE zombies who believe everything Vince McMahon has ever spoon-fed them ('pecially that bit about them being valued employees). Vince preached that (W)WW(F)E was the only worth while wrestling ever and that everything else was utter and complete shit...until he wants the audience to buy a DVD set high lighting some other company. I bet that none of the WWE guys in the balcony that night gave a shit about the Awesome/ECW title thing. I'll also bet every one of those guys were told to make the show look like shit because it wasn't shoving McMahon-approved stiffs down the audience's collective throats.
Naaah, not at all. They aren't WWE zombies, they are WWE Robots who have to be very careful with what they say in public or on the record because they get paid, many of them very well, by a company that wants to present a certain image. They also have PR people who accompany them to every interview to make sure the topics don't venture into the wrong waters.
Don't forget, the roots of pro wrestling were grounded in territories. A wrestler could work one territory for a year, work every concievable angle and make as much money as possible, then leave and join another territory as a fresh face against fresh opponents playing to fresh fans.
I doubt any WWE wrestler today wouldn't want two or three wrestling companies running if the pay was the same.
And the show was good. The WWE boys in the balcony helped play up the old ECW "rebel" vibe they always had
Hi Moonage! Nice to hear from you, baby!
131) June 4, 2009 2:59 PM... Anonymous said... Do you like it when a girl sticks a finger inside your asshole, or does it just freak you out?
Oh I love it. They freak out because I always try to fart when they pull it out.
132) June 4, 2009 9:13 PM... Tito said... The devil sounds a lot like John Cleese. I wouldn't be surprised if they are the same.
No, this guy was stockier, with full head of hair... sort of Hispanic looking.
And really, if the Devil DID turn out to be Hispanic, would this come as a major surprise?
*********************
133) June 5, 2009 12:45 AM... Anonymous said... If I remember correctly, I think they did turn back around during the match. The only reason I remember that is because I laughed every time JBL made an ooh/ahh sound after every hit.
hehehe...he knocked the Meanie around hahahaha! He had a good night.
Wonder if the blue M&M still works at that porn house.
And that was one of the best things about that first ECW show, watching JBL smack the living SHIT out of the Blue Meanie.
If you have the DVD or the show on tape, then you know you've watched that bit 100 times already. Meanie was wiggling his fingers at Layfield, being sure to keep at least 5 guys between them. And you saw JBL get darker and colder under his cowboy hat. Then they started brawling and Layfield just PUNKED that boy for a good thirty seconds.
Meanie had been on JBL's shitlist for years prior. I remember him doing an episode of WWE's old internet show "Byte This" some time ago (so long ago that he was still in rowdy cowboy character) and he just went off on goofing on Meanie for a good 5 minutes, talking about his porno girlfriend and his stupid hair and his fat ass.
Isn't just strange how JBL spent years poking fun and bullying all these guys and yet little old Joey Styles was the one who knocked him on his ass.
And, of course, Meanie was so dumb he marked out for himself and wrestled a Smackdown match with JBL and went over, thus eliminating any shot at a lawsuit and WWE money that he could have had. Possibly could have used it a while ago when he needed a lung transplant, or something.
Meanie, meanwhile, I dunno if he still mops up pervie cum at porno shop stalls, but his girlfriend dumped him, he gained back all his weight, and he is so much in love with the Howard Stern show that he hangs out with Stern staff members and pops wood whenever anyone mentions him on the show. He also shows up at "wrestlingclassics.com" from time to time and usually offers very little in terms of opinions or insight.
Good message board, the wrestlingclassics.com. Very old school talk, sometimes really dumb, really deep old school talk, but they run a tight ship and there is no flaming allowed.
134) June 5, 2009 8:51 AM... Professor Stat said... Latest monthly searches... why the 411?
chris hyatte
drunken talkative
dave scherer is a douche
hyatte mop up 411
hyatte mop up
hyatte hyatt mop up 411
talkative drunk
johnny carson "gina statutory"
"cholent and p"
Ahh, Widro. Don't you have anything better to do? Is Inside Pulse still around even?
Why the 411? Probably because Jeff Small keeps mentioning my name and his readers quickly google my name and 411 to try to find my old columns and see HOW ITS FUCKING DONE.
And... urrm.... people read this and want to go back to a time when I used to be... y'know... funny.
135) June 5, 2009 10:53 AM... Anonymous said... You've slept with 30 or 40 women?
Dude I'm as old as you and only been with 7!!!!! You are officially my hero.
That's a lot? Doesn't feel like it. I know guys 10 years younger than me who say they've doubled that... and I've seen them "at work", they have the game to pull it off.
30-40 women over the last 20 years isn't too impressive. I mean, I'm fine with it, and scoring girls for the sake of bragging rights is something that you get very sick of once you hit your 30's.
136) June 5, 2009 2:29 PM... Anonymous said... Which would you prefer to be with, a 10 in looks but a 5 in bed, or a 5 in looks and a 10 in bed? (I'd go with a 10 in looks and a 5 in bed. That way I'd still get the massive ego-stroke of being with a 10 -- and when she inevitably loses interest in fucking me, I can take her clothes off while she sleeps and have something HOT to jerk-off to.)
You answered your own question, BUT... being with a ten gets you access to OTHER tens. Once you have that stank on you, other girls of a similar level will notice.
Remember that "Seinfeld" episode where George dated a 10 for a little while, and he got into the really hot girl clubs and was scoring, then she dumped him and he lost the picture he had of her so he resorted to carrying a magazine photo of her and was tossed out of the clubs? Same deal.
ANyone can get any sort of girl they want so long as they want it bad enough... join a gym... keep the skin nice... lease a new car... do well at work and make lots of money. Success breeds confidence, confidence breeds desireability.
Of course, 10's require a much higher level of maintenence too. Keep that in mine.
I guess I'd go with the 5/sexual bobcat.
137) June 5, 2009 4:18 PM... Anonymous said... OK - lets get all IWC for a minute...
How do you make TNA a viable alternative to WWE... not just general stuff either, how would you do it?
You seem to be like the rest of the world that really dug wrestling, has an understanding of it, but can't stand it now.
So how do Jarrett and company jump on the downturn for the E and make themselves into something more than WCW 2.0???
Brother, if I knew I would've submitted my idea to TNA and tried for a job. In fact, if I knew how to bring WWE back to being cutting edge, I'd submit my ideas to them too.
First of all, Jeff Jarrett wouldn't know new if it possessed his guitar and started to sing for him. (and yes, I ALMOST made a joke about possessing his dead wife and making her come toi him all zombie-like, but I'm a calmer man these days). Dutch Mantel... Dutch Mantel??? He's been around almost as long as Jerry Lawler... what does he know about The New?
And Vince Russo... well, he's calmed down over the years, possibly because he isn't running the show anymore and I will guess a lot of his ideas are shut down or re-written to fit the current product. I pray to GOD he has calmed down, at least.
And Dixie Carter? All you really need to know is that she got mad at her people because they couldn't find Vanilla Ice to hire. This is in the year 2009. Yes, someone still cares about Vanilla Ice but unfortunately, that someone runs the only competetion to the WWE.
Really, TNA's problem is that they are desperate for immediate results... more so then the WWE. Only they would hire Adam Pac Man Jones for 6 months but not be able to let him wrestle. As crazy as McMahon is... he isn't hiring ANYONE who can't perform.
Wrestling, right now, is being run by people with no vision whatsoever. WWE. at least has the excuse that they are making enough money with what they have and anything crazy new might rock that boat and backfire. TNA has no such excuse... they just don't have anyone who can think about the next big thing.
Kurt Angle was their best shot... and they booked him well... and he's still one of the most versatile performers in the world... yet they can't build around him... oh, they've scored some of their biggest ratings and I assume Spike TV is happy with them.... but he's not going to do it alone.
Nash is done. D.O.N.E. It's sad to watch him work now. He can't move. The Silver Fox era only heightens that sad fact. Steiner is a relic from 10 years ago. Booker T only works well when he's booked extremely well (his wife added about 6 years to his career... and that hilarious "royal" accent only works with a crown on his head.
And Sting... I watch Sting and I can almost see him mentally count his money as he works. Ironically, he's so proud of never having signed with the WWE, even though one has to shudder when thinking about how much money he could have made there, especially since he owns the rights to his gimmick and name.
Still, TNA does have a ton of potential. AJ Styles is still one of the better workers out there. The Beautiful People are an outstanding Heel girl act. Samoa Joe is a star, and Mick Foley is finally found inspiration again. He's better then ever.
But, break it all down, its still a southern rasslin' show... who thinks hiring a hot girl who won a Survivor show 8 years ago and did NOTHING since is going to push them over the top.
138) June 5, 2009 4:20 PM... Anonymous said... Dude you go with a 5 in looks and 10 in bed...Your ego boost from the best sex you ever had is way better than one of your dumb ass friends hitting on your girl behind your back. If she is average looks but can fuck like a champ - you'll be a happy happy man.
I always liked it when my dumbass friends hit on my girls, tho'.
The final analysis: Get the 10's when your in your 20's... get the 5 who will cook, clean, dote, and crazyfuck in your 30's... cuz they want to settle down and you ain't gonna do much better. In other news, the grass is green, water is wet. All this and more from Hyatte's Blog of the Obvious!
139) June 6, 2009 3:02 AM... Anonymous said... if you could punch anybody in the face living or dead with impunity who would it be and why? also did you watch the showtime show brotherhood?
Dick Cheney because he more or less masterminded the reason why my country is in such a fucking mess, and he won't stop trying to justify his actions and knock our current leader who is just trying to clean up his mess, Michael Lohan because his daughter is only slightly less pathetic then him and he's trying too desperately to stay famous for doing nothing, Ron Spector because he clearly needs it, annnnd... umm... no, can't think of anyone. I HATE these things.
Never watched "Brotherhood"... never will either. Am I crazy or does all Showtime do is steal stars from old HBO series? I think, when pitching a show to cable, it goes "Okay, HBO turned us down, FX turned us down, AMC turned us down, USA turned us down... let's try SHOWTIME!!"
140) June 6, 2009 4:29 AM... Anonymous said... I always had an idea for an endangered species king of the ring tournament, tiger vs whale gorilla vs bald eagle etc overall winner gets to survive as a species, animals have to EARN our respect!
Brother, meet a Tiger while traveling through the jungle. Meet a whale while sailing a boat, run into an Eagle while climbing a mountain.
Respect will be a given. Especially afterwards, if you live, and you're back at the hotel room trying to sneak your brown stained pants pasr room service.
I mean, really... even an army of ants can eat you alive if they wanted.... with machine-like precision.
141) June 6, 2009 11:09 AM... Dick Cumstain said... Regarding your visits with Satan, what happened on the cruise ship? (On a side note, I used to BEG Satan to visit me. I figured if Satan exists, then God exists - and learning FOR CERTAIN that God exists was worth meeting Satan. But he never came. Not once.)
Not much. Just woke up with a tremendous sense of some presense in my cabin with me, and it was so terrifying I couldn't move. I had the ship Pastor throw me a blessing the next morning and that was the last time this happened.
If it sounds like I'm downplaying this, that's only because it happened a long time ago and I'm just relating a life experience. I do not understand it, it doesn't haunt me, I am not a secret born again Christian. It is what it is.
142) June 6, 2009 1:18 PM... Anonymous said... Hi Chris, long time reader of yours. Remember when you talked about your cousin? The one who was an absolute ass with his mother. You said you would make him pay one day for what he did. Well, did you make him pay?
I punched him in the face once, And because its clear he's scared to death of me, he doesn't come around the neighborhood much to hassle my landlady (who is his Aunt), which makes me the hero of the neighborhood. One girl brought me cookies in gratitude.
He's in and out of jail alot now. Like now he's in. He made it to that level where there's enough of a record on him so the cops now don't listen to his bullshit and haul him away at every infraction. I sort'a feel bad for him, actually... but a cokehead is a cokehead and all they do is use you to get something.
They never stop lying, either.
143) June 6, 2009 1:41 PM... Anonymous said... My God, has anyone here ever had sex? You know, in real life, as opposed to in your tiny little minds?
I'm sure a few of us have. Not sure about Anonymous studs who feel an OVERWHELMING desire to make silly comments like yours.
144) June 6, 2009 6:42 PM... Factor said... Great analogy with Meltzer. You never see Joel McHale taking on Leno, he knows his place.
Heh, you said 'grandstanding.'
I learned my lesson with using that term.
Heh, she did like that. Milked it for a while too.
But, you're still here, she ain't. Be proud.
More tomorrow... unless we can all use a break.
**************************
Okay, since Scotsman board is so boring, and they can't seem to keep any female posters, and Scotsman is now officially BEGGING lurkers to post something, the little losers are coming here to spread some gayness.
So I'm going to moderate comments for the foreseeable future, until they get tired and move on. You're done, you little faggots, its over.
If this means less comments, so be it. My enormous ego can handle it.
***************
145) June 6, 2009 8:54 PM... Anonymous said... what's the worst thing you've done to someone in both real life, and online?
Hmmm.... online, posted Bob Ryder's phone number, put an actual bounty out on Tony Schiavone's kid, drove Sean Shannon insane simply by making fun of him, THIS, allowed a troubled girl to think we had a future before dumping her very coldly (not you, sugar, someone else), ummm.... I think that's it.
In real life? I took a crap in some kid's car after we threw him out of the nightclub and he ended up swimming in the Providence river. Scared the crap out of one of my mother's best friends by breaking into her house not once, but twice. Maybe a few other things, but nothing too severe.
146) June 7, 2009 12:45 AM... Warren Peace said... "So, of course, I'd stay up late and watch Carson or something..."
Alright, I was all ready to chew you out for this and make an ass of myself... something along the lines of "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKITY FUCK FUCK!" Then I realized that you meant the GOOD Carson, the old Carson, not the MTV douche. So it's all good.1
"Well, one morning, I was snoring away, and the radio alarm was working, and I was managing to snooze through it, when... I think I was twenty when I had the dream."
Funny how this type of thing tends to happen when we're (half) asleep, huh? Listen, I've had VIVID, 100% REAL sensations of falling while inbetween consciousness, but ya don't see me blaming it on the ghost of Daniel Benoit (HA! The kid died!). You're too smart for this shit, it's depressing. The thing about following our own emotions is: they tell us what WE want to know.2
The greatest trick the Church ever played was making the world believe in devils. Now every scary-ass dream translates to potential $$ in their pockets. The world needs to put aside these childish things.3
"I never wondered what Stryker's sexual preference was (and for Chrissakes, who would?)... but now I guess we know."
And OF COURSE, the guy's a hardcore Republican. Given the choice between Palin and McCain, Your Teacher would be itching to re-enact the senator's stay in Vietnam, Larry Flynt-style. Guy was always pissing off Bradshaw, too... right outside the showers. Weird.4
"Deep down - and really not that deep - we all like to give our egos a charge. Having power over someone and being able to make them happy, make them sad, piss them off, and drive them crazy is... like... the ultimate."
The best definition of "love" I may have seen yet. That's it, folks, and you'll be better off if ya don't forget it. Things will always makes sense.5
Damn, I'm a cynical fuck, eh? Ah well, most people come into my line of thinking. If they live long enough.6
Had to bust out the FOOTNOTES so we can keep track.
1: Why for the love of Christ would anyone stay up to watch Carson fuckdickulous Daley? There's a reason they bypassed him and gave Jimmy Fallon the 12:30 slot.
2: I wasn't half-awake or waking up. I had the dream and tore my ass awake dead in the middle of the night... it was 3:17 am. I had gone to bed around 1:00ish. This was no lucid, on my way awake anyway dream. This was hardcore smack dab right in the middle of a deep REM action.
And I never dealt with this sort of terror before in my life. What sealed the deal for me is that it never revisited me after those few occasions. Like I said, my Mom was sort'a blessed, and I caught the aftershocks.
But I know its tough pill to swallow. I don't mind anyone's insight.
3: Nah, the greatest trick the Church ever pulled was making us feel spiritually pacified. The provide hope... now whether you buy into it or don't, false hope is just as could as real hope if needed.
And if you want to throw a few bucks in the collection plate, why not... priests need to eat too.
4: I don't watch ECW so I can only assume Stryker is as good as everyone says. I'm just really pissed at them for making such a considerable effort to get rid of Jim Ross. Something's weird about that Kevin Dunn, how he has this fetish for bland, conservative, young white guys with deep voices. I wonder if Todd Grisham knows what Dunn's cum tastes like... wouldn't shock me if he did.
5: No, simplified, the best definition of love is to want to spend the rest of your life with someone, and be completely happy... without sex. If you can deal with that, it's true love
6: Nah, they think your full of shit, they're just too polite to tell you so.
147) June 7, 2009 8:44 PM... Your Conscience said... Long time listener, first time caller.
I'm really suprised that you believe in the Devil, Hyatte. Because you can be amazingly cruel and vicious in your online persona. Or at least, you have in the past.
I could never be as vicious and as cruel as you, in part because I fear the consequences. If there really is a God, He probably wouldn't want me to dedicate my time and intellect to injuring people and making their lives more painful. Wishing death and harmful outcomes to people and all that.
How do you justify that? Ever worry about any Dinive consequences to all the shit you've pulled?
By the way, I buy the Devil, I don't believe in Hell. Lake of fire, tortured souls, worst fears at all times... I think Hell is just the absence of Heaven. Denied access.
Anyway... in my mind, and because I rose and fell just before the Internet became as part of our life as a phone or television... (in other words, before people figured out a way to sue one another over Internet things and before the whole freedom of speech issue was worked into things... basically before the politicians became involved), I wasn't REALLY hurting anyone. I was just using words. I was just making fun of people. Just being a bully, an asshole.
And really, all I did, all I do, all most of us do online is cut promos on people.
My good deeds, my good SOUL, counters all the bad... people who know me know I am a good soul.
148) June 8, 2009 12:09 AM... Anonymous said... Well maybe this is therapy for ol' Hy8. Maybe he does this online like instead of paying a shrink to talk too.
Whatever it is - how is this any different that any other form of made up entertainment?
Hyatte isn't really hurting anyone - he's just goofing on their online persona.
And we all know that all the people on the net that write anything about themselves are really just middle aged, balding, men who can't get their jollies... hey wait.. I just described all of us and Hyatte
I tell ya', I used to feel so fucking good after writing the Mop-Ups... all that anger just vented out. I was the happiest Janitor in the Industrial park... and those toilets ALWAYS had an extra gleam on them tuesday afternoon!!
I was more interested in tearing apart the arrogance that guys like "The Rick" or Dave Scherer projected... or the utter rigidness that Wade Keller has (the man has GOT to be a closeted homo). People always said I was this arrogant, ego-manaical tool... no, dickheads, I knew I was just a dumb ass column writer who knew how to be funny... I was tooling off on those guys who REALLY believed their shit didn't stink.
Brother, I'm bald, not balding. If I let it grow I would have a FULL head of hair... with... umm... just a little patch up front that went radioactive and no crops can grow anymore.
One day I'll draw a picture.
149) June 8, 2009 6:26 AM... Anonymous said... http://whosslammingwho.podomatic.com/player/web/2009-06-01T13_46_57-07_00
thoughts on?
I haven't listened to it. Give me the nutshell and I'll decide if I want to hear it. I already think I'll hate it.
Why do this wrestling podcasts have to have stupid fucking names and why do the hosts have to have lame-fucking handles? Why can't John and Larry host "Wrestletalk" and NOT use Death Metal as their fucking theme song?
I swear, not an ounce of fucking originality in this wrestling fanbase. I sometimes think most of you fans really are inbreds.
150) June 8, 2009 10:07 AM... Amy said... Hi Chris, what do you think of people being something they're not... like super-stud, acerbic, quick-witted and BELOVED on the internet... but sad, fat, quiet and lonely in real life??
June 8, 2009 10:07 AM...Amy said... Hi Chris, what do you think of people being something they're not... like super-stud, acerbic, quick-witted and BELOVED on the internet... but sad, fat, quiet and lonely in real life??
I'll do something crazy here and NOT play dumb and let's just go into it as a rip on me.
Amy, I think someone who is clearly a MAN because women wouldn't bother asking this who posts under a female name and is too stupid to NOT double post even though it is very hard TO double post here really should look into HIS own issues before using that not-quite-razor sharp intellect to assess or assume about mine.
Furthermore, in 11 years of writing I have fucking NEVER "put myself over" (and I only use wrestling terms so you can understand) as a super-stud... quite the opposite, in fact. And enough of my work is still online for evidence.
Continuing, I am quite 'acerbic" in real life, and you think the wit shuts down when I open my mouth? I read... a lot... did a Book Review segment for years and ALWAYS tried to put something new and different in there each time. I have a vocabulary, I am articulate in real life. I have a wit and sometimes, it is quick.
And another thing, BELOVED might be pushing it... read the comments below... the haters have arrived.
Lastly, I am not sad, I try to run 3-4 times a week and never under 2 1/2 miles, I love to hike... how the fuck can I be fat? Someone at work told me that if I hit the gym hardcore I could have Brock Lesnar's body. What kind of body do you have, dude? Super faggy skinny or Cartman fat??
Quiet? Well, yeah. I'm an introvert. Why not.
Lonely? Not for years. I'm alone, just not lonely.
In short, not even a nice try. Grasping at straws, my friend. Problem is, I've been at this and dealing with you people for waaaaay too long to be even the least bit bothered by it. Show me proof that you know who I am and then we'll talk.
And, as proven time and time again, its always best I leave after a good ol' fashioned chew-out. Have a nice night.
***********
151) June 8, 2009 12:23 PM... Will I. Am said... BOOM!
U'd B surprised who reads this shit
THX for plug
Will I. Am.... Black Eyed Peas... wha?? How?? WHY???????
Even if this is a fake, it's a good one. Imean, who would think to fake post as Will I. Am?
But, if it gets you some jollies to see me act like some big time famous pimp music producer/flo' runner actually said what's up... well, I do strive to entertain.
Anyway, fuckit... you never know who likes wrestling, and goddam I was a good writer on it.
ANYWAY, bro', you're an amazing talent, and have a great sense of humor. You know how to be goofy in videos... to fuck around.
And when Will I. Am says the B.E.P's are going for the new... I didn't think it was just hype. You got a vision.
BUT... I don't care about that. When Fergie's bohunk husband gets caught banging Asian club tramps, and she dumps his ass. Could you put in a good word for me with her. No, dude, for real... Super successful women dating low rent commoners is all the rage these days. Look at Julia Roberts!
Hook it up. Send her my way. I'm real good with high maintenence celebrity girls. I know how self-absorbed they can be. I can make her happy. Do it up.
And between us, you know that marriage ain't gonna last. The toaster you bought them for their wedding's warrenty won't run out before they're done.
And you can hire chaperones for the first date. just get her reading this shit. She'll fall. Bet.
Anyway, I'd wish you luck with your CD, but you ain't gonna need it. They try to copy yo' swagga but you on the next shit now!!
And isn't it funny how regular radio has to edit "satellite radio" from your song? Ahhh, gotta love Top 40.
One love, my brotha' Peace... Middle East... lemme in on that Fergie Yeast.
152) June 8, 2009 1:47 PM... No Penis Provided said... Fuckin hell Hyatte thinks dreams are real. What a fuckin joke. Johnny was right
Okay, I'll play. Johnny who?
153) June 8, 2009 4:09 PM... Anonymous said... You ever take in the ass from a chick with a strap-on? You've alluded the the feitsh a couple of times, including a funny scene in the Taking of Triple H.
Nope... but under the right... with the right... with Fergie... umm.... NO... GOD!!
I liked that last little scene in that short story where HHH sheepishly asks Stephanie to put a strap-on on. It was the funniest way I could get her to scream, "Those fucking Canadians!!" and close out the segment.
154) June 8, 2009 9:39 PMDirtbag McCuntstain said... ok, you have a time machine, a ski mask, and a bottle of viagra. which historical icons would you go back in time and rape, and why? (please don't say cleopatra. i hate her.)
How about your mother.
I don't hate women. I don't want to rape any of them. What sort of piece of shit are you? Yeah, I'd jam your mother in her tight little poop chute just because she raised such a fucking loser.
No wonder the Scotsman just wants to blow up that message board and be done with it. Look at the little tools he has ended up catering to. He's GOT to be wondering how he ended up with this mess of wankers. He's got to.
155) June 9, 2009 1:24 AM... Anonymous said... you like rim jobs?
This is another one from that message board. The answer is yes, from a woman. Why? Because if you can get them in that area then you pretty much got them turned on to the point where they are pretty much out of control. That there is where the real fun goes down, when they stopped caring and are open to ANYTHING.
Doesn't happen much, to me at least. Girls tend to be more talk than action.
156) June 9, 2009 1:00 PM... Anonymous said... About a year ago I was dating a real bitch. Nice girl, but really opinionated about EVERYTHING and a total loudmouth feminist. One night when I spread her legs to go down on her, I saw little tiny wads of toilet paper wrapped around her pussy's landing strip.
I freaked out and YELLED at her to wash that shit out.
She stood up and started to cry, begging me not to tell anyone. She said she used the bathroom at work and they had inferior toilet paper. And the sight of her blubbering, with her panties stuck around her ankles, gave me the BIGGEST boner EVER!!!! In fact, I'm getting a woody just thinking about it now.
I ain't into scat, but DAMN that was hot!!!!!
Why do you think that was such a turn on?
And then, 22 hours later later...
157) June 10, 2009 10:20 AM... Lady J said... About a year ago I was dating this real douchebag. Guy was a total a-hole. One night he got drunk and kept trying to pleasure me with a roll of toilet paper. I dumped him right there.
He then freaked out and BEGGED me not to.
He stood up and started to cry, begging me not to tell anyone. Then, he removed his shorts to reveal the teeniest, most pathetic boner EVER!!!! In fact, I'm laughing my ass off just thinking about it now.
I ain't easily amused, but DAMN that was funny!!!!!
Why do you think he was such a loser?
See, what turned into a lame fake story turned into PERFORMANCE BLOGGING!!
I love it when someone gets sick of waiting and responds to their own comments under a different name.
**************
*********
You know, I didn't even notice, but apparently, MySpace has flatlined. It's officially become the dead zone and it's only a matter of time before they bury it good and proper.
I don't see Twitter lasting. Facebook might have legs. But if you're on MySpace, its time to abandon ship.
Wouldn't it be wild if using the TELEPHONE became cool again?!?
Ak, I'm old.
I needed these last five days off. We could all use the rest.
158) June 9, 2009 9:40 PM... richardrh said... Hy8, Who do you think is the greatest American of all time? You might think i'm crazy, but I'm going with Ronald Reagan. The movie star (well, somewhat) turned Governor, turned President who led us through one of the more fun times in our history and made us proud to be Americans.
Abe Lincoln. Hands down.
He was opposed at every turn. Crawled up the political ladder with only the voters on his side. Won the Presidency even though his own Party mostly hated him and they split into different factions because of it and the whole South split. He fought for every victory, and didn't compromise one bit of his soul to do it.
The South split from the Union while he was President Elect. His side of the war got its ass kicked during the first major battle. He took office In the middle of this he had his own "Bay of Pigs" incident with Britain where they were threatening to move in and re-take the land while it was so divided.
He Presided over the most brutal war in American history - everyone on both sides who died was an American, and this war turned into a fight to see who could fight longer without food or clothing or shelter, a pissing blood war of attrition.
All for a single reason, a simple idea, that all men were created equal.
And Lincoln spent his first term dealing with the Civil War, got himself re-elected, and just when the war was all but over, just when he could relax for a minute and really start doing some good with his country, someone blew his head off while he was enjoying a play.
And all because he wanted this country to be a place where all men were MEN, despite their skin color. Free men given the same opportunities here.
Plus, he was a REPUBLICAN!!!
And a WRESTLER!!
There would be no President Obama if it weren't for Honest Abe.
159) June 10, 2009 7:21 AM Anonymous said... Speaking of Reagan, how would you rate the Presidents of your lifetime?
Jimmy Carter:
Ronald Reagan:
George H.W. Bush:
Bill Clinton:
George W. Bush:
Barack Obama:
Jimmy Carter: Because he, like Lincoln, actually, won the Office mostly on the strength of the voters... who were all too ready to get rid of the last lingering traces of Nixon, and didn't have to give many favors to anyone, he had a LOT of enemies in Washington.
He actually had some great ideas, but he couldn't get any of his bills passed through Congress or the Senate, so he suffered for four years and the middle east got all uppity (you think Iran is a bunch of assholes now? You should've been around when the Ayatolla Khomeni was running things) and suddenly we were out of gas and lines for a simply fill up stretched for miles and we were out of money and jobs were falling apart and... AND.... it was a scene, man.
So Carter gets a lot of shit and he earned a good chunk of it, but people in power wanted to be sure he was a one-term President, and he was.
But these days, he builds homes for poor people, and is a distinquished man of respect.
Ronald Reagan: Was handed all those bills Cater tried to push through and put his name on them and pushed them through. He also freed the American hostages in Iran who were taken hostage while Carter was still in office. We had a solid four years of money making under him, and his Presidency ushered in the "Greed 80's".
Problem is, he was re-elected and started losing his mind once Alzheimer's settled in. Then people we never elected started running the country and things went bad for a'while.
This is not to say that Reagan was always a puppet, but he WAS an actor, not the best one but a decent one. He knew what to say and how to say it. Under him, America got cocky again. We were a bit beat up from the Vietnam war, but time had passed, we were staring down the Russians, Stallone was making First Blood Part II, and Rocky III and IV, were were getting bad ass again. It was a fine time to become a Patriot again.
And its shouldn't be a surprise that Hulk-A Mania was running at its peak at this time. See, this is when Vince McMahon had the pulse of his audience in his hand.
And then the Nuclear plant in Russia melted down and Russia needed our help and we became friends. Then Reagan's time was up and he only had one more job to do...
George H. W. Bush: Which was to get his Vice President, Bush the First elected, and he did with maybe the greatest specch ever heard at a Republican nomination convention. Bush's own acceptance speech was memorable too.
Then four years of.... meh. But Bush the First was a very good Foreign President. At home he was a bit of a pussy... and he ended his run with a nifty little recession.
Bill Clinton: Great President, left the country in much better shape then when he came in, really should have done more to blow away terrorism, but loved his job, was good at it, and might still be President today if they abolished the two the terms and out rule.
Lied to our faces about fucking that intern. That really burned him and would have helped Al Gore win the 2000 election by a landslide.
But we made a SHITLOAD of money during his run.
GW Bush: Well... out of all of them, he's the one I'd like to have a beer with. Stole the election, charmed us right all to hell, then let his people run the country right in front of him. Clearly, obviously was in over his head.
Obama: He's 6 months into a 48 month term. He's got a LOT of cleaning up to do. At least he's proactive.
160) June 10, 2009 11:35 AM... Hans Moleman said... So then what is your favorite Stephen King book?
Nothing was scarier than "The Shining". Nothing was more fun and action packed than "The Eyes of the Dragon". Nothing was more ambitious than "The Stand". I'm sure there are a lot more but I don't have his library in front of me and I've talked about him plenty of times already.
161) June 10, 2009 2:37 PM... Anonymous said... I'm in love with toilet paper, have a huge boner and need help now.
C'mon assholes- Hyatte's doing us a solid and this is the shit we are coming up with?
It comes in waves, dude. I take 5 days off and now I have plenty of fresh, interesting shit to wipe with.
Hey Porn Valley, is there a toilet paper fetish community out there?
162) June 10, 2009 5:03 PM ... Anon-E-Mouse said... I am deeply saddened to see that Lady J has obviously broken up with Flint.
I have no idea what this means, but its nice to see you folks amuse yourselves. This is what makes the blog work.
163) June 11, 2009 2:40 AM... Anonymous said... Alex Jones and people like him... your thoughts?
Anyone can say anything they want, so long as they aren't inflicting serious harm to anyone. And they can say it over the air, so long as someone is willing to pay them for it and others are willing to advertise with them.
Freedom of speech, my brother.
Nevermind the waaaay out there conspiracy theorists like Alex Jones, take someone like Rush Limbaugh. Now, its probably more for show, but Rush broadcasts out of a top secret, unadvertised location out in Florida. He is on the air 5 days a week for 3 hours a day... and he is a total filibuster. He's the one host I've ever heard who doesn't need to take a single phone call. He can just talk and talk and talk and talk non-stop, pausing only for commercial breaks... and then get right back to talking. It's quite a feat.
And he's been inspired lately. Everyone right wing has run to his show for the promises that their party has not been flushed down the toilet... that Obama is bombing... that the last 8 years weren't as bad as "The Media" has made it out to be. He's never been more popular.
And he has been bashing Obama since before the election. Obama has done nothing right. Obama is failing. It's not working.
And the examples he uses are smart, but I'm not sure if they are smart on their own or because of his own viewpoint. There is never any opportunity for a debate with a Democrat with Rush. It's all him, all the time.
But we need Limbaugh on the air, just like we need Fox News. There's got to be counter-pointing, especially now since Obama has embraced the media more than any other President before or since.
Okay, maybe we don't NEED Limbaugh on the air, but its good to have an opposing voice. It would be best to have a voice that speaks of the flaws and attributes of both sides fairly and equally but... well... what can you do.
164) June 11, 2009 3:48 AM ... Patricia said.... I remember grandstanding. Not that I read your blog anymore.
Do you remember how great things used to be? What happened to you?
And where do you stand on rimjobs?
165) June 11, 2009 7:20 AM... Hitler said... "C'mon assholes- Hyatte's doing us a solid and this is the shit we are coming up with?" Wait - you think he's doing this as a FAVOR?? OUT OF LOVE??? RESPECT???? HE'S FEEDING HIS ENORMOUS EGO, YOU JERK. Get with it.
Or just passing the time and having some fun. Either or.
166) June 11, 2009 3:51 PM... RS said... I'm toying with the idea of entering a serious relationship with this girl I've been seeing. My problem is that I've taken down A LOT of married women and chicks with boyfriends. I don't believe a woman can be faithful. Can they?
Of COURSE they can, you goober. It is NOT in a woman's nature to cheat on their husband. They have this nesting gene in their DNA which makes establishing a stable family life a priority, Some of them have it moreso than others, like how many women do you know who erase their whole lives the moment they have a kid and now devote 100% of their existence to their kid?
If you're scoring a married girl or one in a relationship, its because their man is not doing something right. He isn't satisfying her properly or the relationship is not what she imagined and now she's worried, bored, or unsure of things. So she cheats on him just to feel better about herself for a few minutes. That's it. She ain't leaving him for you, they never do.
And cybersex is cheating, for anyone who was wondering.
But truthfully, men don't have such a strong nesting instinct, we just want to fuck pretty much everyone. Us guys are a SHITLOAD more apt to cheat... with careless abandon and with very little guilt.
Look at it this way, all of you, how many of you know a guy who fucks around on his wife/fiance/girlfriend. Now how many of you know a girl who does the same? Oh, we all know at least one guy. Don't we?
But then... girls never tell. They aren't doing it for bragging rights.
167) June 11, 2009 10:48 PM... Anonymous said.... Women can be faithful but you gotta work at it.. Decide if you can live with her if she screws around on you - if you can weather that storm then you have a shot at making her faithful, if you can't, you won't. It's simple.
And don't think you can cheat on her for revenge. That never works. But if you can parlay this into a three-way with another girl... well, go for it.
Girls love a man with their hearts, guys love a girl with their bodies. If they give you their heart, they will never leave you, so long as you don't break it.
And keep in mind, you have to kick the ever living shit out of the guy she fucked on you. If he's a big guy, bring friends. But the fucker has got to go down. We all know this.
**************
168) June 12, 2009 11:21 AM... Bret Hart said... Have you always been a runner or did you have the late 20's "oh crap the weight doesn't just fall off me anymore" moment?
Always a runner? Not really. More like an off and on thing.
Almost twenty years ago (wow, I never realized how ling ago 1992 was until right now) I had this great late night route where I would split between running, walking, and high sprinting and also involved sneaking through people's yards and whipping through my old high school parking lot. I had it down to a 20 minute set, a 45 minute set, and a nice 90 minute set depending on how I felt. I could never do long distance on foot though, I just never could seem to break through the wind and the misery. I never actively tried for it either.
It's also fun to watch the wild life come out of suburbia. Racoons, skunks, opposums - they're all out there. Skunks are always fun to run into.
As for your question, it's more like "Ah fuck, Z don't want to stop eating all this shit but I better keep the heart strong and the muscles tight. As I close in on 40, I know I'm gonna have to lay off the shit. And the booze. Booze doesn't look good on you at 40.
I can't do much night running anymore. A 21 year old kid doing it at 3 am is fine. A 30 blah blah man doing it at 3:00 means an on-sight full cavity search.
169) June 12, 2009 6:55 PM Anonymous said... Actually Hy8 - I sent the Rim Job question in when I was really drunk and at the time it seemed funny - wasn't anyone from the Scotsmen board. Sorry dude. I like it and I got a lady that LOVES doing it but won't let me return the favor.
Its okay bro', turns out it was an important question that DEMANDED discussion.
Gee, a lady won't let you stick your tongue up her ass but will do it to you? Buy a ring, son... you ain't gonna do much better.
170) June 12, 2009 7:22 PM... tom said... rim jobs rule, that's a fact.
Yeah but... there are rules. You can't eat on rim job night. All you can do is drink, and on an empty stomach this means you'll get drunker faster... which means poor performance. She can eat, but only a little... and you want her nice and drunk for the festivites anyway.
Then pre-tumble, you need to shower and JAM that soap up there, get it nice and clean. If you have a hand held showerhead, it needs to go on pulse and you need to give yourself a colonic. The area needs to be clean. Then you have to get her drunk ass in the shower and have her do the same. Actually, this could be fun.
Really, love is love but nobody is going for seconds if they see brown stuff in there. And nothing ruins the mood more then a good fart. Sure, it's funny... but blue balls ain't.
171) June 12, 2009 11:20 PM... zeekarkham said...Hey Chris, Never thanked you for a book that you recommended. You wrote about Monster, which was a biography of a gang member in LA. I'm in the Gang Squad for the NYPD and read that book simply because you recommended it. On my job, it's actually helped me to connect with a lot of the kids we have to arrest for various gang activities and I've even passed it along to a couple of the kids that really do want to change.
Just wanted to say thanks, bro... You never know who your words are going to reach.
And thanks to YOU, my friend. You're out there every day dealing with some straight up slingers. And its a losing battle. Take it from 90% of us... we have no problems with you sticking plungers up some banger's ass. It's when Dick Cheny defends it is where we get all huffy. On the streets, its applauded.
And when I posted that review, a few people from L.A. wrote and told me that the book is practically required reading in the L.A. school systems. The guy wrote a very, VERY important book and I can't help but assume he's still sitting in solitary, completely unaware of its impact.
I wonder if they let him keep the money the book made.
172) June 13, 2009 11:25 AM... FLEA said... Yo. great stuff - especially 1:30 to 2:30
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvUfC2oFdxU
1975 called, Fleabag. They want you to come join the rest of us in wonderful 2009!
How was that Skynard concert anyway? Hyuck.
173) June 14, 2009 1:22 PM... Brother Love said... If u had to fuck a male wrestler who would it be? A tough "bear" like Arn Anderson or a smooth dude like Randy Orton?
Answering doesn't make u gay. Maybe just a bit curious.
Trish Stratus, of course. DUH!
Jesus, I thought it would be obvious by now, after all these years.
174) June 14, 2009 6:25 PM... Anonymous said... hyatteeeeeeeee, it's me. dropping by to say hi. doodoodoo.
What up, Summer :)
**********
Speaking of summer...
The first day of Summer was yesterday, which also happened tpo be the longest day of the year... AND Father's day.
And in the Boston area, it started to rain and WILL NOT STOP until this Thursday. Literally, a gray cloud of suck is on top of this region and its getting all nice and comfy.
and I just read that Phoenix, AZ, which is usually so hot that grocery stores have to stay opened 24 hours so people can shop at night when it's reasonably cooler, hasn't seen 100 degrees in so long it broke a record for consecutive cool days that was first set in 1913.
AND THERE WAS SNOW IN NORTH DAKOTA IN JUNE!!!!!
Global warming... don't harp on the name. Global cooling... Global Our Fucking Planet is Pissed at us.
Oh, and North Korea is about to nuke someone, possibly us.
If John Lennon had lived he would've shot himself by now. And he would have divorced Yoko. Better believe that happy crappy.
One thing I love about Father's day is that on every single local "Hip Hop" radio station (Jam'n 95.5 in Boston, where Romero the Freakin' Puerto Rican calls up station employees and fakes up some "jam scams" and his partner Pebbles steals everything Perez Hilton writes and claims it as her own gossip) will wish us a happy father's day.... BUT, the hip hop stations are the only ones who'll also add "and Happy father's day to all the fathers in prison!! We haven't forgotten about y'all!!!"
Always an amusing high point. Possibly because I'm the only person on the planet to notice this.
Anywhoo...
175) June 14, 2009 12:00 PM... Anonymous said... And what ever happened with your neighbor who complained about you walking around your place naked?
Yeah, so with the amount of beer I drink, as we all know, there is a lot of peeing that comes with the deal. And sometimes, late at night, because I live in a second story apartment and there is a shrub bush right below me and a sidewalk almost within reach....
I like to piss out the window.
Now, all that beer makes me wake up sometimes to piss (I've dreamt I had to piss and actually pissed in a toilet, then spent my dream wondering why I still have to piss before waking up, needing to piss.)... so sometimes I wake up very early uin the morning, needing to piss. Well, its COLD at 5:00 am in January and the bathroom is far, far away... so... you know...
And one morning, after pissing, I heard someone say, "Put some fucking clothes on!!"
Later that day, my embarrassed Uncle (landlord) had to have a talk with me. I made up some excuse about my parrot and his cage (I'll let you use your imaginations here) and promised it wouldn't happen again. Funny thing is... the neighbor didn't seem to know I was pissing... he just thought I liked sticking my wang out the window on a cold winter morning just for show.
I'm not sure which is worse... actually.
Anyway, I've been careful to keep my window pissing to the wee hours of the morning, but while still night out... and the green shrub has a lovely dead hole in its center where no green dares to show itself... and I have yet to reach the sidewalk.
One day, I will reach that fucking sidewalk!
176) June 14, 2009 12:47 PM... Anonymous said... Chrissy Whissy, Any bitterness that you never made money out of this?
No. No one gets paid out of this. How many times will you people ask me this question? And do you really expect me to say yes if I was?
177) June 12, 2009 6:14 PM... Patricia said... Damn, Cornette goes APE.
Yeah, why is he so angry? Some chick fuck with his head too?
So I was wondering if you made this comment BEFORE logging onto AIM that night and seeing my special message or did you comment here AFTER. Here we are, 10 days later and I have my answer. BEFORE. Then you saw the special message. Heh.
Be pissed at yourself, not at me. You can call me anytime you want.
Someday, you will ache like I ache!
178) June 14, 2009 10:39 PM ... Loverboy said... I was trying to find some of your Canadian jokes with Google and somehow I came upon an old thread at 411 asking where you were. Someone referred to me as a well-known Hyatte nuthugger, which begs the question: what do I receive for being a Hyatte Nuthugger?
So, someone over there thinks my balls are big enough for someone to hug them? Okay.
Listen, Loverboy... you don't need anything from me. See, as you WELL know... everybody's working for the weekend... everybody wants a new romance!! Everybody's waiting for this weekend!! everybody wants a second chance! Whooa... YOU WAQNNA PIECE OF MY HEART??? YOU BETTER LEARN FROM THE START!!! YOU WANNA BE IN THE SHOW!!! COME ON BABY LET'S GO!!!!!!!!
You also get a nifty waffle iron, while supplies last.
179) June 15, 2009 8:29 AM... fbintx said... I was on vacation. Did I miss anything?
Yes, some moron posted a comment in an older post and got mad at me because he thought I deleted it. I pointed out the error of his way and we all had a good chuckle at his expense. Then Greg Dillard did the same thing but I just moved the comment to the proper place. Oh, and I'm on the outs with Patricia.... again.
180) June 15, 2009 10:13 AM... Reddy said... Yes fbintx. If that's your real name. It's been all go here. Hyatte announced his real name to SHOCKED DISBELIEF... and also officially came out - he has a long standing partner called Juan. That was less of a surprise.
Nice thing about Hispanic assplay is you save hundreds on astroglide and other lubricants. Very greasy eses
181) June 15, 2009 1:47 PM... fbintx said... Ah schucks! I caught up now. Hyatte - do you really like the Black Eye Peas? Really? I saw them "performing" on the View (yavavava my wife was watching!!!) and it was a bunch of bouncy noise.1
Are we supposed to believe that these four got together naturally and write or perform any of their music? It's like the formula to a new soda. It's worked up in a lab and introduced to the public.2
I'll agree that Fergie is raunchy hot, but beyond that I see no redeeming value.3
On the View I think Tonto said that they worked through over 100 songs coming up with that album. Well my old Roland D-20 has 100 drum hooks and it's not that hard to come up with 100 variations of "Boom boom uhg uhg cracka lacky boom".4
I can't say that my taste in music is better than anyone else's, but at least I can differentiate music from noise.5
Went to SA and saw Shamu and ate Puffy Tacos!6
Footnoted for easier reading:
1: That "bouncy" noise can be heard in every dance club in North America, Britain, Australia, and parts of Hungary. The BEP's specialize in club thumpers.
And don't front, bitch. You watch The View alone and in your underwear.
2: No, what we are supposed to believe is that Will I. Am. (who, apparently, might read this blog for some stupid reason), writes the songs and the other four contribute.
3: Fergie Ferg is sick hot... with a Butterface. When you are a 33 year old former meth head, this is what happens. HOWEVER, her voice is insane and she seems to be able to alter it to fit the song. Plus she covers up her bad face and gonnagetfatsoon body by wearing HIGH end designer clothes and a rigorous beauty therapy regiment. Will I. Am is aso going to try to hook us up after she leaves that BoyToy husband loser of hers... I think.
Fergie can sing AND rap. She's pretty fly for a white guyurl.
4: Yeah, but, Francis... you DIDN'T put together anything on your old turntable... they did, and Boom Boom Pow turned into their biggest hit yet.
Look at it this way... ahem... PEOPLE IN THE PLAAAAAAACE... IF YOUN WANNA GET DOOOWWWWNNNAAA... PUT YOUR HAAAAAAANDS IN THEIR AIIIIARRRR.... FBINTX DROP THE BEAT NOW!!.....
.... see, doesn't work. You be rockin' NO beats.
5: So they ain't Foghat, not many bands are.
6: Puffy Tacos?? That's no way to talk about your wife, sir. Shame.
182) June 15, 2009 3:16 PM... Gray said... The black eyed peas were around before "Fergie." She sang backup on their first album, which you will see is clearly not soda-style fizzie pop. Joints N Jams is probably the best known song from their first album, and you can hear a woman other than the queen of Crystal Meth in the background.
anyhow, I suppose you would like a question:
At what age is it too late to try and be trendy? Tattoo, ear piercing, etc- My guess, 30's.
The Peas were around for a loooong time, actually... but they didn't hit it big until they went with the hooks and the dance beats. And Fergie is just... well, the conceit that a older white girl in a hip hop band with a goofy black MC, a Filipino, and a Mexican is just too much of a spectacle in itself to pass up.
And you know... she drives the fuckers crazy, she does it on the daily, they treat her very nicely, buy her lots of ices.
As for your question... tattoos are always cool, at any age. Harrison Ford ruined earrings as a mid-life crisis cure for all older men, and don't forget, George Clooney was around 40 when he started a whole new hairstyle... the Roman Gladiator look a few years ago.
It ain't what you got, its what you do with it.
183) June 15, 2009 3:28 PM... Juan said... It is true, Amigos! Christopher iz my one true love . He penetrates me like no other... mucho caliente! I so glad our secret is revealed. He also loves to piss on my face! Ay caramba! Thank you for supporting mi liitle bald fajita! Juan xxx
Ahhh Papi. Mi amore. I knew it was true love after I gave you the Dirty Sanchez and you walked around for a week with it and no one noticed.
Ironically, you showed me more affection with that one comment then the last girl I loved had for a full year.
***********
Suddenly, I am ten days behind!! Will have to post more often to catch up.
And for the July ongoing blog, I introduce my SUMMER CD LINEUP!! All new, all different, gay as all hell! Including shit from artists I never thought I'd EVER buy.
184) June 16, 2009 4:02 AM... Factor said... Any opinion on Chickenfoot?
Joe Satriani is one hell of a player. He and Nuno Bettencourt may be the best of the players from this general era.
Wonder where the the next guitar prodigy lies...will be fun to see.
Any summer concert plans yourself?
Nuno Bettencourt? More Than Words?? Get the Funk Out?? THERE'S A HOLE IN MY HEART THAT CAN ONLY BE FILLED BY YOU?????????
Sucks.
It took me a looooong time to forgive Sammy Hagar for ruining Van Halen (it was over for VH with "Balance"... which, after a steady progression of pussier and pussier records, they finally jumped the shark and abandoned their roots and became pop/top 40 sell-outs... basically following the Aerosmith game plan). Sammy could sing fine, but his lyrics were so goddam unimaginative.
How many times did you listen to "Panama" before it dawned on you that David Lee Roth was singing about a fucking hot rod?? Me, I had to let Dave himself clue me in on it in an interview.
Dave wrote FUN lyrics, twisted, pun-filled, creative stuff. Sammy wrote about some slut he bangs and called her "Poundcake".
That said, OU812 is the best Van Hagar record of the bunch. Then they went to shit.
But as I said, I'm older now... and last summer there was this huge all-day concert of country music being played at Gillette Stadium and featured NO ONE I was particularly interested in... Kenny Chesney, LeeAnne Rimes, Keith Urban, a bunch of other half-toothed cowboys... yeehaw.
But I almost went anyway, because Sammy Hagar was a special guest performer. I was like, "Awww, its Sammy!! Why not??"
Of course, I didn't go. I get bored pretty easily at these things. And I'm old. But I thought about Sammy Hagar and decided that he always came across as happy and kind and cheerful in interviews... and he's made a living off playing shows for about 25 years now, so he knows what he's doing. And he's always had brilliant white teeth.
And there is nothing wrong with keeping Michael Anthony working. He always knew his role and had the coolest male back-up voice in all of rock. And a mullet, does he still rock the mullet?
So, if Chickenfoot comes to your town, go see it. I bet they'll play "I Can't Drive 55" and you'll have a BLAST singing along.
The next great guitar hero is a dead concept. There's no more market in the music business for someone to re-revolutionize the form. Rock is dead, yo.
185) June 16, 2009 6:37 AM... Madonna said... Hi there Chris Hyatte!! International music sensation Madonna (TM) here... just wanted to drop by between buying children from Africa to say I really enjoy your writing and I've been a fan for many years!!
Keep up the good work, and if you ever fancy a quick f**k, let me know and I'll be right over, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. Madonna x
I just want to know what happens when "Mercy" walks in on you while that 22 year old Brazillian model/toy is busting his nut right in your ass?
You have to admire how "Madge" jumped right back into the young male slut pool right after years of being a quaint, British mum.
And no amount of lighting and makeup will hide her 50 year old, well-traveled face at 7 am.
186) June 16, 2009 8:37 AM... fbintx said... sorry, I guess I'm old... ugh...mid.. thirties... I feel old. Just wonder if they'll be around in a few years or are they Right Said Fred, milli vanilli, Criss Cross, C&C Music Fac, macarena, I would walk 500 miles, who let the dogs out, etc.
I'm not going bald, though. My wife has to pluck me often to keep my hairline from merging to my giant fuzzy caterpillar eyebrows.
Leftover stuff from our Black Eyes Peas conversation.
Brother, I know you're an old school rocker from Texas (That Meatloaf comeback will be any year now), but The Peas have ALREADY established themselves as a permenant fixture on the Hip-Hop scene... until Fergie leaves the band and Will I. Am breaks it up for good.
Remember 2006- 2007? Fergie's The Duchess didn't leave the top ten record sales for like... a YEAR. She blew up. She's here to stay.
And it's 1000 miles.... by Vanessa Carlton... and its a BEAUTIFUL song... "cuz you know I'll walk a thousand miles if I... can.... SEE... yooouuuuu..... if I.... can... HOLD.... youuuuu..... toniiiiiiiiiiiight." Courtney Love could take a lesson or too from this chick.
187) June 16, 2009 8:53 AM... xtnibf said... Hyatte
Over at the rasslin' section of a particular website with 3 numbers in the URL, all the columnists are creaming themselves as Mick Foley apparently made some comment as to their lameness. What's funny is, each and every one of them is individually claiming it was THEM that Foley's referring to.
Even to the extent of penning "open letters" and commenting as to what TNA should do.
Marks. Thank GOD you don't do that.
Well, what are they supposed to do? Ignore it? Then they look like pretentious tools.
Plus, it's not like there is a huge swell of material to dip into here. This is wrestling... three companies and one sort'a company and then nothing but Indys and Jap companies. Foley gave them something to write about... made them stars for about a week. They're dumb kids with nothing to say, really.
These days, its all graphics and pictures and youtube videos to pad up their columns. I went 100% text all the time. They know there aren't many people who can do that on a weekly basis and not be boring.
I remember when Matt Hardy gave a shout out to 411 and a similar meltdown occurred. At least its an upgrade.
********************
188) June 17, 2009 8:22 AM... Anonymous said... Strippers... do normal guys have a chance, or do you basically have to be a drug dealer/other criminal/asshole dago to get them?
Well, true love is true love... but... NO!!
Of course, since I have real live party studs reading this like Goodfella and about God knows how many different people posting as "anonymous" who can get any chick they want, I'll say its not impossible, but it is extremely tough. A longshot.
First, you'll never score a stripper at her place of business. They are trained not to look at guys as people, just wallets. Plus, girls in general don't think much of guys who go to stripclubs... why do you need to pay for simulated sex? What's your problem? Eww, I'll stay away from that creep.
Strippers are the same. They see customers as a paycheck, a wad of singles that need to be taken. Plus, smart girls with esteem usually don't work at strip clubs... they themselves usually have issues and baggage... and kids, lots of kids.
So, your typical strip club experience involves girls with horrible self-esteem being treated like meat by either a bunch of guys just being men or being treated like a Goddess by some older, sad, probably fat puppy dog guy who just wants to feel loved for about as long as the song lasts.
Your best bet to score a stripper is to try to pick her up in a club on her night off, or something. Never at work. Never.
Oh, and the asshole/criminal/drug dealer boyfriend scenario is more of a porn star thing then a stripper thing. Stripper boyfriends are usually just assholes who may know how to score some weed.
Still, its a dark world they live in. Prepare yourself, homie.
189) June 17, 2009 8:55 AM... Anonymous said... "Strippers... do normal guys have a chance, or do you basically have to be a drug dealer/other criminal/asshole dago to get them?"
Or Kevin Nash.
Ooooh, I believe the Silver Fox has moved onto cocktail waitresses and massage therepists. Big Kev likes to stay at home and rest his knees these days.
190) June 17, 2009 1:32 PM... Julie said... Hey Chris! Heard a rumor that Donald Trump bought RAW from Vince McMahon. Is this a joke or could this be real?
It's a work, pun'kin.
Was this really open for debate?
I bet Trump wanted ore money to continue the angle beyond a week. That's why they cut it short.
191) June 18, 2009 2:02 PM... Dillard said... For the record, I was never 'mealy mouthed'. When "The Edge" branched out to bring Hyatte on board I became the straight man. It was a format change, more or less. If anyone had access to earlier versions of the show in any of its incarnations my role was always to be the moderator of the show and the somewhat opinionated interviewer. When Chris joined the show we became a bit more "entertainment" and my role was simply to be the traffic cop for all the action.
Jesus... you're still around? Reading this?
Didn't this thing last about 3 episodes? You kind'a killed it before anything could be established.
So... you know... don't over-analyze the thing. It died pretty quickly. And I more or less sucked on it. I would'a fronted up to the table if I sense growth at all.
192) June 19, 2009 6:08 AM... Johnny Rodz said... Hyatte. I know you don't read that cumstain site 411 anymore, but because I'm a fucking moron. I still do. Look at this...
___
"Posted by Larry Csonka on 06.19.2009
Love Wrestling? Love 411? Write for us!
411 is looking for new writers for our Wrestling section! If you love Wrestling and love to write, we want you on our team. Your writing needs to be spelling and grammar checked, be easy to read, and be well organized. It takes time (often a lot of time) and work (often a lot of work). We take this very seriously and so should you. Don't apply unless you are serious and plan to stick around.
We also require images in columns, video if possible (embedding videos from YouTube or similar places would be fine), formatting to keep the column organized, (bold, italics, underlines, larger font for headers/titles/subtitles, colored font, and so on), avoiding "walls of text" by breaking up long columns with section headers, and, if possible, smaller sections to go with a main op-ed piece.
We're looking for…
We're looking for…
Video/DVD Reviewers - This would be a recap of an older wrestling show/video/DVD. You're free to have your reviews be more personality driven or more straight-forward. Please include formatting (matches in bold, images when possible, and so on). An example of a good wrestling video/DVD review is The Name on the Marquee.
Opinion Columnists - We're looking for a few new columnists who can provide a unique, creative, fun to read weekly column about wrestling. We strongly encourage your column to have a fixed weekly format or "gimmick" if possible. We don't want "walls of text," we want a unique format that includes images, videos if possible, headers that divide up the text, etc. Examples of wrestling "gimmick" columns are 411 Wrestling Fact or Fiction and Wrestling's 4R's. An example of a more straight-forward MMA column is If I Could Be Serious For A Moment.
Weekly Top 10 Column - We want someone to start a new weekly column that would center around a different wrestling-related top ten list each week. The top ten lists would be up to the author to decide. The author would then provide his top ten list for the topic he selected and provide detailed explanations of why he picked what he did, as well as honorable mentions. The more detailed and well-thought-out the lists are, the better. Obviously the further back your wrestling knowledge goes, the better, as it will result in more comprehensive lists that cover things from the past and the present."
____
This absolutely infuriates me! It's like they're encouraging more boring Csonka clones with awful writing and zero originality. They're WWE-ising their product, effectively. Your thoughts on this an ex-awesome IWC writer please.
You know what I like the most?
Where, Oh where in this pitch... this Help Wanted pitch... is the promise of payment?
How much is 411 offering to PAY for this sort of professional work? How much money is all this effort they are asking you to provide worth? Zero!! Free labor, kids!! You can be famouys like Jeff Smalls and you can write for a place where the ghost of Chris Hyatte STILL lingers!!
Ashish has been running this site for longer than I've been around and he STILL isn't making any money? He STILL demands people work for FREE??
HA! The more things fucking change....
***************
193) June 18, 2009 5:22 AM... Hans Moleman said... Agree with you about "The Shining", by far my favorite Stephen King book. Though, a very close number 2 is "Different Seasons" - any thoughts on that one? Just some great storytelling by King. "Misery" is another favorite. Recently re-read "The Stand", didn't think it was as good as I thought it was when I first read it in high school (15 years ago or so)
What other 'popular' authors do you like?
Dean Koontz - thought he was great until I realized that every book was about some government conspiracy
Tom Clancy - everything up to "Executive Orders" I like
John Grisham - not so much
Dan Brown - fun, but forgettable
Diff'rent Seasons had three remarkable, top-shelf tales, and one clunker. It's the one case where the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" was just as good, if not better, then the book.
"Stand By Me".... umm... it was good but.... Corey Feldman... yeesh.
"So what, you gonna shoot all of us?"
"No Ace... just you." Kapowee.
As far as The Stand goes, it was his... 4th book maybe? Carrie, Salem's Lot, Christine, The Shining,... FIFTH book... and while all of his previous books were pretty straightforward with one or two major characters and a bunch of smaller players with fairly simple plots, this was a 1200 page nightmare with LOADS of major players and GOBS of subplots all that had to revolve around, then collapse into one major story about Good vs Evil.
.... and okay... the payoff, with a big lightening bolt (Finger of God) hitting a nuke and blowing up Vegas... okay... sort'a silly. And as cool as Flagg was, did we really get a sense as to who he really was and what was the scope of his powers?
As for your other authors:
Dean Koontz: Never liked him as a writer. His plots always seemed to neatly wrapped up at the end. The REAL story of Dean is when he went from bald to having a full head of hair and NO ONE EVER ASKED HIM ABOUT IT!!! He also apparenlty has MAJOR Father issues... but who doesn't?
Tom Clancy: WAAAY too clunky a writer with WAAAAY too many characters in each book and WAAAY too involved with cutting edge military technology which is good if you're into that, but not so much if you don't like flipping through 300 pages to figure out who any given character not named "Jack Ryan" is.
John Grisham: I actually did a three part "Book of the Week" thing on him. There are three Grishams - the good, the bad, and the sermonizer. The good Grisham writes these crackerjack page turners which have no real weight to them, not exactly thought provoking, but fun enough so you have to keep turning the pages, no matter how late it is at night. The bad Grisham is when he does non-lawyer stuff... SAAANOOOOZE FEST!! The Sermonizer is when he wants to teach us something... whether its about what Italy is like, or how great sobriety is, or how even homeless people deserves a good lawyer to protect their rights. When Grisham stands on a soapbox, you want to burn the book. When he just visited the Amazon and wants to tell you how wild it is, you want to wipe your ass with the pages.
But when he has a story about three jailed judges running a blackmail scheme... or a young attorney who goes to work for a Mob affiliated lawfirm... or the rise and fall of a Tort Attorney, there's no one better.
Dan Brown: never read him. Never read a si9ngle Harry Potter book either, but that won't stand.
194) June 18, 2009 8:26 AM... fbintx said... I agree with Mr. Moleman. Get back to talking about books.
Know you disagree, but I just can't read King. His style doesn't agree with my brain, although it's been years since I tried, please suggest ONE of his books that would help me change my mind.
Larry McMurtry (the best)
James Lee Burke
Kerry Newcombe
Zane Grey
Louis L'Amour (early stuff)
Elmore Leonard
I'm stuck on westerns and historical fiction.
One King book? Grab one of his short story collections: Night Shift, Skeleton Crew, Nightmares and Dreamscapes, Everything's Eventual, and one new one still in hardcover... something midnight. This way you can try him out in small doses and see if you can groove into his style before committing to something heavy.
Not into westerns, really, but you should give Robert L. Parker a shot. He writes the Spenser series of Private Eye books but once avery couple of years he digs into a good ol' fashioned western. Very good reads.
As far as non-fiction goes, there's something called "A Piece of Cake", about a crackhead black chick who turns her life around and becomes a Lawyer. Good stuff.
195) June 18, 2009 10:35 AM... Porn Valley said... Dude, there is a fetish community for EVERYthing out there. BTW, I think that Lady J/Flint thing is a reference to G.I. Joe.
Books:
George Pelecanos (he wrote for The Wire, so there ya go...)
Joe Lansdale (most diverse living writer still working)
Chuck Palahniuk's Haunted (likely the most scathing indictment upon not only the culture of celebrity, but the pretension of writer's workshops)
For EVERYTHING? Even snotty, arrogant, high-end yoga instructors?
G.I. Joe... I left that series 100 years ago when Marvel started making Snake Eyes into the next Wolverine.
The magic of The Wire was that all they used were well-repsected, a-list crime writers. This was not a typical cable TV series... this was literature on screen.
I gave Chuck a shot, I really really did. Choke was shit and Invisible Monsters was just a mess. In fact, I'd say Choke was mostly his editors begging him to writer another Fight Club, but not the book... write a book like the MOVIE Fight Club.
I give the guy a lot of balls tho'... not everyone has the nuts to write a book based on guys waiting to participate in a porno Gang Bang.
196) June 18, 2009 2:58 PM...Anonymous said... Moleman is fb-thingy is Porn Valley.
busted
No, NO, NOO! I know fbintx... he's been in touch with me for years. I know porn valley because we've talked through e-mails and he has info on things no one else reading does, which makes him invaluable to me. I don't know Hans Moleman tho', he is the enigma... the mystery.
However, if anyone noticed this... it seems that the poster named "Stewie" always posts ONLY after "Patricia" posts... so either Patricia IS Stewie OR... Patricia has herself a stalker.
Me, I don't even know if she still has a Facebook page or Myspace anymore. I stay away from that nonsense.
197) June 18, 2009 4:11 PM... Anonymous said... speaking of book reviews I loved that one you did about the ultra runner and how he ran through the insane, bread toasting heat..some people are insane but also need to be praised as having the guts determination to do what us mere mortals cannot
I liked that book, even tho' the guy wrote a lot of sappy bullshit about playing with his kids immediately following a 300 mile marathon, (yeah, RIGHT!!!). He DID admit on talk shows that he probably has some extra special genes that make him able to run non-stop for so long.
His knees will be junk in 20 years... so don't be TOO envious. He'll be in a wheelchair before long.
198) June 19, 2009 12:45 AM... JesseBaker said... Hey Dillard! It's Jesse Baker! Nice to see you pop into the blog! PLEASE tell me you have copies of "The Edge" on your computer and will upload them up for us to enjoy. INCLUDING the last episode, which was you and Hyatte shooting the shit right before X-Mas....
Jesse, I love ya', but.... those shows were just not that damn good. They were BORING... and again, there were... like... THREE of them... maybe four.
And one of them involved me allowing Scott fucking Keith to talk over me... ME!?!... WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING???
Not the highest point in my "career"... which is why you never hear me bragging about it.
199) June 19, 2009 9:36 AM... fbintx said... Anonymous said... Moleman is fb-thingy is Porn Valley. busted
I am who I am. I've never posted here anonymously or another name.
Yes, there are a few readers here that read books. Some of them are pretty cool, you should try them.
And believe it or not I don't partake of porn. I find "a little left to the imagination" to be more attractive than seeing everything.
And don't most pornos have penises in them? I can do without seeing that.
But if that's what float's PV's or Hyatte's boat, what do I care?
f 411, who cares?
Easy Frank, someone's just have a little fun. I like you're contributions and wish more people would more frequently. All that matters.
There is TONS of porn that just feature girls... not a cock in sight. But if for anything else, porn can teach you a few things, show you a few new tricks you might not have thought of.
And you'd be amazed at how many girls like to be thrown around... hair pulling, light slapping. Not all of them, and unless they are total pigs, there has to be a LOT of trust built before going for it... but when the mood is right and everythings working... well, porn can show you how its done.
200) June 19, 2009 9:57 AM... Anonymous said... Dude, you're pushing 40. You have no kids. No family entanglements. No live-in girlfriend. No real ties to your current life.
SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!!
Why not take the plunge and try to become the next great American writer? Or even just a well-paid writer? Why not submit your work to different mags or papers, or do PR work, or pitch story ideas in Hollywood? Or try to land an agent? Or write your own material & try to become a comedian? Or do SOMETHING?
I love ya, man. Have for years. It just makes me kinda sad when I think of you wasting your talent like this. It would be like a guy who can throw a 105 MPH fastball spending his best years sitting in an office somewhere... because he never really gave it his all to find out just how good he could be.
My GOD!!! I just figured out who Hyatte is!!! You're the Susan Boyle of writing!
I'll help ya get your foot in the door if you're interested. Lemme know.
...... Well... umm....
First of all, this might have more of a personal impact if you signed it. "Anonymous" usually means you are too much of a pussy to back up your words. I'm cool with total privacy and I will NEVER eliminate anonymous posting... but it comes with a price.
Second... here's a little secret... I'm not that good a writer. I'm decent, but not GOOD. Oh, against these IWC assholes I'm the best, but that's like winning gold at the Special Olympics... great, but some normal, clear-headed 17 year old normal kid will outrun and outjump me anytime.
Third: I've studied the book industry... they ain't hiring, and today... with the economy the way it is, books are selling less and less... there's like, no chance for me... yet, if ever.
And fourthly... just so everyone understands, I like most of you and love a few of you but I have never made a friend of the internet who has NOT let me down. Every single person reading whom I have laid down a drop of trust, or opened up to IN THE SLIGHTEST has BOMBED when it comes to living up to their promises. All of you have fucked me, in one way or the other.
I don't trust any of you rats.
***********
201) June 19, 2009 4:02 PM... Hans Moleman said... I am certainly not a Porn Valley! perhaps a Porn Island or Porn Isthmus...! and I was merely trying to branch conversation beyond the standard wrestling and vagina topics (not that I mind reading about either, but it never hurts to diversify)
Oh BAH! Check out the whole month here, we have covered EVERYTHING.
Nothing but diversity in this blog lately.
Thank you all for that, by the way.
202) June 20, 2009 2:12 AM... Anonymous said... Check out Austin Magazine and the back page written by Dale Dudley...Tell me what you might think
I think that, since they don't seem to have an online publication, I'm not about to fly to Austin Texas to pick myself up one just to read the wit and wisdom of some inbred named "Dale".
203) June 21, 2009 1:44 AM... Gordon said... Thanks for writing all this business, Hyatte. I never comment, but I'm home drinking with only my crazy-ass cat for company, and it's good to have a momentary distraction here and there. Something to keep from thinking too much. Just so you know, amidst the douchebags, it's appreciated, man.
Oh I know. I know I'm still doing a TREMENDOUS servive for all of you. It is my curse.
I never owned a cat. If I did, I think I would need one of those bad asses who I let out at night, let him roam and fuck around, then let him in in the morning where he can chill and sleep while I work, then come home and let him out for the night again.
Unfortunately, Jake might not like spending all day in sheer terror as the cat just stalks around the cage staring at him.
204) June 22, 2009 9:18 AM... Dillard said... Jesse Baker :I have the Edge audio somewhere. I honestly think that was 2 PC's ago at this point. Come to think of it I can't believe that piece o' crap Compaq had enough hard drive to store all that Real Audio. If I get around to it I'll boot that thing up and copy everything onto a flash drive.
I'm concered though buddy...I can't even remember all the episodes of that show we did...how can you?
Yeah, in other words - don't hold your breath.
I can remember because I have a razor sharp memory. I also have a mnenomic trigger where where you dropped the show so fast and so out of nowhere that it stuck with me.
205) June 22, 2009 2:53 PM... Scorpio said... Hey Hyatte
The pissing dream is pretty common. It's your brain's way of trying to fool the body into believing you've relieved yourself so you don't wake up... brain craves sleep!
You're pretty lucky though. 3/10 cases actually piss the bed. Studied all this way back, happy to solve your dream based puzzles if you've got 'em.
I know all this. The brain gets pissed if its rem is interrupted and it FIGHTS TO STAY AT REST. I was just explaining how I piss like a raceforse and how my poor shrubbery is paying for it... and how I am traumatizing my neighbors.
It would be AWESOME if your parents really did name you "Scorpio"
206) June 22, 2009 3:53 PM... Anonymous said... Clearly you're a drinker. Ever try pot? Like it? Ever spent a whole weekend smokin' 24/7? How about coke, ex, Vicodin, or anything else? Got a good hangover cure?
Oh I tried pot a few times. Then one night I came home all baked and cooked myself up a monster pot of spaghetti. I'm talking 2 boxes, a huge package of beef, sausauge, and three jars of sauce...
at 2 o'clock in the morning!!
And ate HALF OF IT IN ONE SHOT!!
Was sick for days afterwards.
I'm not touching pot no mo'.
I tripped out on acid once. Never did coke, but know a few girls... and only a fucking dumb motherfucker would try heroin. I floated high for a night after finding some old percocet that my mom had, but I could see how addictive those painkillers are and stopped.
Nah, I'm a liquor type of guy. Not opposed to grass, wouldn't have a problem with seeing it legalized, but it's not my bag.
207) June 22, 2009 4:00 PM... Anonymous said... Chris, What are your thoughts on Iran and the way the population has reacted to election? What would you say to the Iranian Ayatollah? The President of Iran? The Students? Looking back over the ten years or so you've been at this, how have you matured as a person? As a writer?
I think I'm more concerned with North Korea right now then with Iran, but it's always cute to watch a country try to have free and open elections while openly and clumsily rigging the votes without even trying to hide it. Sort'a like the Republicans did in 2000.
I would kindly ask the Ayatolla, the President, and the students not to burn me at the stake while wrapped in the American flag in front of CNN cameras. I would also ask where the white women at.
As far as writing goes, if anything, I've slowly but surely became more and more of a fucking pussy.
208) June 22, 2009 7:19 PM... Anonymous said... Now that there's a new Hart Foundation, will the late Yokozuna be made an honorary member to FINALLY show the world that not only did Al Isaacs not lie, but the man can predict 12 years into the future???
.... oh for... give the guy a break, he was fed information that... ugh...
Al posted every morning, AS WE HAVE SEEN OVER THE YEARS THROUGH THE COMPLAINTS OF GUYS LIKE MELTZER AND KELLER AND SCHERER.... Vince McMahon tends to change his mind at the last minute... several times over. So what Al reported was probably true, for that minute, then changed... probably a few times... over the course of that day!
His sources were good... Mark Mero would NEVER lie to Al, but he got heat because Vince kept changing his crazy-ass mind.
Why the holy hell am I defending a guy who didn't last all that long on the intraweb??
208) June 22, 2009 10:48 PM... Anonymous said... [05 Aug 2004|04:12pm]
"FRUSTRATING is when you really, REALLY want to gouge on that scoop of ice cream, and yet... tomorrow's skirt day."
(27 Jun 2009) 09:00am) "Russel is a toolbox with giant zits on his ass. Stop whining about him"
209) June 23, 2009 3:24 AM... Patricia said... I haven't seen a message from you on AIM.
Unblocking me might rectify that, but it's not a big deal. Since you obviously don't care to go heavy (or salvage this, apparently) and I obviously don't want to spend the time getting buried by youtube videos until you get bored and log off, we're at an impasse. So I'll just keep doing this blog and you can read it until we just drift further and further until we lose sight of each other. Or until you're ready to...
T'was a good run, kid... until you started to think you had me wrapped up.
All love, for the most part. XOXO
p.s. Get knocked up and I will wipe my mind of any memory of you.
""""""""""""""""""""""
Let's start off the last blog entry with something TOTALLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!
210) June 23, 2009 7:45 AM... Anonymous said... wasn't this the original ending to savage/steamboat at mania 3?
No, but it's how Pat Patterson unified the South American and the North American titles and became the first ever Inter-Continental champion in 1979 in Rio de Janeiro
No, BUT ITS HOW VIRGIL GOT A JOB IN THE WWF!!! KAPOWEEE!!
Maybe your idea is rigtht... it's sure funny. And now everyone is dying to click the link.
Oh, and no one saw this comment sneak in because you posted it in the MAY ongoer... and while I appreciate everyone reading the archives to catch up or RELIVE the hysterics... try to comment in the current place for comments. Anywhere else and chances are only I will read them.
211) June 23, 2009 10:09 AM... Zsa Zsa's Pussy said... Dead McMahon. ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
Not only did I get the reference but I got it so quickly that it didn't occur to me until just now that it's a fucking MONSTER obscure and OLD reference. And I got it in a snap!! Fuck me.
Waaaay back in the 70's, Zsa Zsa Gabor was on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and, just to prove that Paris Hilton has NO originality - Zsa Zsa brought her cat with her and kept it on her lap.
Well, the interview was going nowhere, and Zsa Zsa wanted attention, so she asked, "Would you like to pet my pussy?"
The audience rumbled, "OOOOOO" and things got real quiet... Johnny took a second to look at the camera (he was big with letting the audience at home in on the joke) and said, "I'd love to if you got rid of that damn cat!"
The place exploded, of course.
Not a huge deal today... of course... but in 1979ish... whoa.
212) June 23, 2009 12:28 PM... Anonymous said... I see your boy Will I Am has smacked Perez Hilton upside the head, after Perez said "Hyatte's a douche" on Twitter
HYATTE HAS POWERFUL FRIENDS. BELEEE THAT, BITCHES!
I like Perez, like the Black Eyed Peas... head is in turmoil. Perez is a gay guy who entertains me every day bedcause no matter how big he gets, he's ALWAYS updating his blog with juicy gossip and funny pictures.... and he hasn't lost a lawsuit yet.
Will I Am... is going to hook me up with Fergie just as soon as she divorces her trophy boytoy. And then I'll help her write songs about ho's on the dance flo and how Canadian girls are stupid and chickenshit.
Hands down, I. Am wins!!
213) June 23, 2009 2:53 PM... Anonymous said... Yeah, but Hyatte IS a douche.
WHICH DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT!!!!!!
... anyway, I have to take off for a few hours. More later
*********
A few hours turned into 24!! Well, its the end of the month, lets plunk a nice cherry on June and then rest a bit and start it all over.
Here's something only one person will get...
I know you didn't block me, its just to get your attention. But Facebooking is just another step backwards for us (I'll repeat: BACKWARDS) and I won't allow that no matter how much you try.
Nothing there benefits me. Being one of your "friends" has ZERO APPEAL to me. Zero appeal. Zero. I've told you this a hundred times already. You never listen. Is that everyday with you or just with people who don't really care aboot?
And fucking email me!! Why should I "blink" when all you do is log off abrubtly like you're flushing a toilet after wiping?
Appreciate the reach outt. I know how it is to keep missing someone more and more every day. Its called passion, something you've never had for anyone before me. Must be confusing.
You can call me any time. Texting works too.
214) June 23, 2009 1:11 PM... Anonymous said... will.i.am versus Perez Hilton?
Who YOU calling a faggot?!!! So what name or epithet should a man be legally allowed to slug another man if called?
The N-word. For white guys, I dunno... we usually let everything go. Sticks and stones, et al.
Hilton is trying to ham it up, tho. Did you see the photos he took after getting bitchslapped? The glum, sad, HEARTBREAKING, "I was just trying to have fun and look at what they did to me" look on his face?
Don't forget, Perez Hilton pretty much blew up from the moment he started his site... he went from nobody to world famous in just a few months... and he's a drama queen gay... not a drop of butch in this kid... unless someone named Butch rode him barebacked. His ego is probably monstrous.
And he's always going on and on about gay rights, and keeps a running chart of which states are allowing gay marriages, and bitching at Obama for not snapping to on this (like the guy doesn't have ENOUGH problems already).
So now the lawyers are involved, and he's not saying anything anymore about the BEP's or, sadly, Fergie. Well, so long as Linday Lohan is still going apeshit... he'll have material.
And Britney Spears is due for her second meltdown any time now. Plus he's all over the Michael Jackson case... so he's got material.
You do what he does for a living, and attend these functions with the same people he goofs on.... well... you're gonna get bitchslapped. Comes with the territory.
He's probably cocky.... having never lost a lawsuit will do that.
215) June 23, 2009 2:53 PM...Anonymous said... Yeah, but Hyatte IS a douche.
Well... yeah... it isn't like I have grounds to sue for libel.
216) June 23, 2009 4:31 PM... The Man said... Any thoughts or comments about Gorilla Monsoon?
Yes. "Hanging from the rafters!", "That'll give you a negative attitude.", "STICK A FORK IN HIM, HE'S DONE!", "He's a fountain of misinformation." "He's got short arms and deep pockets.", "Highly unlikely!", "Nice watch, I wonder who he whizzed that off of??" and, of course, "WILL YOU STOP!!"
With a more cynical, smark ear, I like to watch old WWF TV on Classics in Demand when they show house show matches to kill time on Prime Time Wrestling. Whenenver some loser is in there, Monsoon and Lord Alfred Hayes will talk about how much muscle mass he put on... how he "rededicated" himself to the job. And Gorilla will inevitably say that he clearly wants a few more checks in the WIN column "And pick up that winner's purse."
All of it was code, of course, for juicing up to try to get a bigger push... as if Leaping Lanny Poffo had ANY shot at that.
If you listen carefully, Gorilla Monsoon ALWAYS threw in old school thinking into the current product... plus he never could keep a straight face when bantering with Bobby Heenan.
217) June 24, 2009 12:08 PM... Berrylicious said... Y'know... at the time I thought Monsoon was a joke on commentary. It's only recently I've come to realize he actually was pretty decent... managed to sell some good ol' fashioned rasslin' psychology, talk about the mindsets of the competitors, etc. Mind you he's no Todd Grisham.
Oh I HIGHLY DOUBT, dare I say it was HIGHLY UNLIKELY that McMahon needed to bark at Monsoon over the headphones. Gorilla knew EXACTLY what to put over and how Vince liked things. If he kept himself healthier he'd still be with the company today.
218) June 24, 2009 3:41 PM... Hateya said... Do you believe in reincarnation?
No, how silly. There is a all-knowing, all-seeing deux ex machina at the end of this play we call life who will give good people like me a spot in eternal paradise and THAT'S THAT!!! Sending your soul back, freshly wiped clean, and placed into the body of a.... housfly or a.... dung beetle or.... a sewer rat or a.... crack baby... that's just crazy talk.
219) June 24, 2009 11:15 PM... Anonymous said... How crappy was the NBA finals this year? Especially after the stellar playoffs...Bulls vs. Celtics, Rockets vs. Lakers, even Mavs vs. Nuggets. I guess if there's one thing that pro wrestling has over legit sports, it's that they will build and build on the excitement of a storyline all the way until the end (if it's well thought out of course). Dont'cha think?
Nope. I didn't watch the NBA finals but even a sucky basketball sweep (or 4-1 near shut-out) is better then a pre-ordained wrestling match.
Why? Because in order to get amazing moments like the Red Sox on 2004, The fall of King Lebron this year, the Patriots going undefeated UNTIL the Superbowl, The Jordan flu-game, Magic vs Bird, The Bad Boys of Detroit, and whatever goes on in Soccer that causes fans to tear the entire building down once every four years.... in order to be able to have that, you HAVE GOT to have blow outs and dead games.
Wrestling is great for special moments and surprises and well-done matches... but they are TV shows... scripted (badly, OH, SO BADLY)... but you generally know the outcome.
220) June 25, 2009 6:31 AM... Miche said... Dated 2 strippers never saw either of them work. But they partied hard. Very, very hard. Good times both were damaged though. One left me to go back to her boyfriend who beat the hell out of her on a monthly basis, the other fucked anything, anytime. Wasn't to surpised though, just like porn stars you just kinda expect most of them to be damaged somehow.
Yes but, son... how was the sex?
221) June 25, 2009 1:59 PM... Anonymous said... excuse me hyatte! i am offended by your last paragraph! i've always been a good friend to you. YOU LET ME DOWN WHEN I COULDNT CALL YOU ANYMORE! NO MORE UPDATES ABOUT KITTENS LIFE AT 2PM! :(
Yes, Kitten... you're right. You've been a wonderful friend. And I don't even want to fuck you.
But you take things waaaay too personally. "fuck off" indeed.
And I want to know about your life, I'm just not interested in talking about something that's been going on for almost two years now. I FUCKING TOLD YOU WHAT TO DO AND I AM NOT INTO REPEATING MYSELF 100 TIMES!! I already have a chick who I do that with.
You're the most mature "kid" I know, live up to that rep, PLEASE.
222) June 25, 2009 4:26 PM... stewie said... "However, if anyone noticed this... it seems that the poster named "Stewie" always posts ONLY after "Patricia" posts... so either Patricia IS Stewie OR... Patricia has herself a stalker" Interesting...I never noticed that. Believe me, it's a coindicence. Except for the "stewie take #100 again" entry in this post. That wasn't me. That was someone else. Looking at the timestamp, probably this Patricia broad. I would NEVER be up that early. Plus, I don't have boobies. The mystery remains!
Stewie, STEWIE!! There are lots of comments in this blog featuring you that immediately preceed Patricia's. Don't make me pull them all out.
I told you I knew who you were.
But, I like your mind and your sense of humor. Particpate more... because she won't be doing so as much. Split from the gimmick.
223) June 25, 2009 9:52 PM... fbintx said... michael jackson think he made the cut into heaven? and if so will he look like a black man or a white woman?
I think Farrah Fawcett (whose family must be PISSED Jackson came in and took ALL her post-life media coverage), went to the Pearly Gates, I think Saint Thomas told her that she has been SUCH a good person in her life that she can have any wish she wanted. She didn't take but a minute to say, "Well I ant all the children in the world to be safe and happy!"
So Saint Peter snapped his fingers and said, "Done. We just gave Michael Jackson a massive coronary."
BAZOOOOM!!!!!!
If there's a spot in heaven for self-hating homosexuals with severe daddy issues, MJ gets a throne there.
224) June 26, 2009 12:34 AM... Factor said... I hate it when infamous people croak. There are levels of fame, and this week has been an experiment, really. Farrah was hot and boring, dead and no one gives a real shit. Yeah she was a bitch, and a B Celeb at best, but she was HOT. MJ kicks the bucket, and he gets the HEADLINES. He has just proved, that mega stardom can forgive decades of debauchery. The man, by all accounts, might be the most detestable monster to walk the face of the earth, but the mother fucker did THRILLER.
We'll never know, and it doesn't really matter. He burned away early. 50, doesn't really sound 'young.' Not in a Greg Allman sense. But can you imagine how worse the freak show could have gotten? Shame on me for giving it that much thought.
The problem is you jumped the gun and posted this too early. Already we see the sordid details of his personal life start to ooze out. He'll get his WELL DESERVED send-off... he was a legend and a global spanning icon... right up there with Elvis, and Sinatra, and John Lennon... he deserves his tributes and send-offs.
But trust me, he spent a LOT of time with very bad people... the tales are already coming, more to follow. Someone will write the definitive book on his life story, but that won't be for a while.
See, professionals take YEARS to put a book together. Because their books are done RIGHT.
So far, the biggest scumbag is his own Father, who used his son's death to promote his record label. What a piece of shit.
And, judging by how weak Jckson was... I think, had he lived (and I knew he was never going to do all 50 London shows. I knew he would beg off after just a few), he would've quietly gone into reclusion, like he already was, just deeper and deeper. I don't think he ever molested a kid, but he was a lonely, sad, confused man. Probably happier where he is right now. By far.
225) June 26, 2009 12:48 AM... Anonymous said... Uummm...not to jump on your point, but there's probably a few people ahead of MJ who deserve the honor of "the most detestable man to walk the face of the earth." Hitler, Stalin, Cheney, Bundy, Dahmer,....the list goes on. Plus, I've never been an MJ guy, but remember he was never convicted of molestation charges.
Yes, he wasn't a bad guy, I don't think. He was just able to do whatever he wanted at a whim... but I don't think he ever wanted to hurt anyone.
Except his brothers, I just read somewhere thatb all his brothers were under his record label, and he NEVER released their music. Maybe it sucked and he was doing us all a favor, wouldn't surprise me.
And he did give a LOT of money to charity.
226) June 26, 2009 1:55 AM... Factor said... Aw, hell, I was really being tongue in cheek. Sarcasm isn't picked up well appearently. Read again, soaked in sarcasm. I was trying to be a prick. Sorry if you read preachy.
Sarcasm isn't picked up well? Umm, I have 12 years writing experience that says different, cowboy!
Speak yer mind, Factor. Don't sweat the after effects.
227) June 26, 2009 10:38 AM... Anonymous said... Hey Hyatte, any guesses on the first wrestling writer to try to tie in wrestling with Michael Jackson? For some reason, I'm thinking Powell.
Close, but it was one of Wade Keller's "Specialists" (they all specialize in COMPLETELY SUCKING) named "Valentino" who compared Jackson to the WWE in some way that I refused to read.
Luckily, its a Torch Specialist, so no one read it.
228) June 26, 2009 11:00 AM... Jason Powell said... "Hey Hyatte, any guesses on the first wrestling writer to try to tie in wrestling with Michael Jackson? For some reason, I'm thinking Powell."
POWELL'S POV: Great point here from Anonymous. I'm hackneyed and cliched enough to do exactly that. God, I'm so lonely.
How can you be LONELY, Jason? According to you, you have a LOVING girlfriend (mention her about 4 times a week), and a room FULL of friends during every Raw and Smackdown and PPV!! You're life, according to you, is one non-stop PARTY!!!
Luckily, no one realizes the simple credo that the more one brags, the less truth he's telling... except for me, who sits right here and never talks about friends.
Anyway, I LOVE this gimmick... keep it up. And yes, he is hackneyed and cliche. I like it when he does a report on a diva and his "POV" ALWAYS has something like, "I wouldn't mind seeing so and so in a bikini... or over my house... or shking her ass... hmm, hubba, hubba, I'm so hetero!! He does that all the time. Loves it.
229) June 26, 2009 12:37 PM... Julie said... Hey Chris! Sad news that Michael Jackson died. I have to say even with all the accusations against him and how absolutely absurd he was - I loved his music. He was truly a talent and a trend-setter. I'd love to hear your thoughts ... also - do you agree with the rumors that he OD'ed on painkillers? Love ya.
Yes, yes, and YES... but he hadn't set a trend in years. And it seems that he did go down after a loooong love affairt with the pain pills.
I think I gave lots of my thoughts up top, darlin'.
230) June 26, 2009 2:12 PM... Anonymous said... Julie = a dude. Probably Rinsa.
Hey Rinsa, how are ya.
231) June 27, 2009 8:49 PM... Kai said... "Every single person reading whom I have laid down a drop of trust, or opened up to IN THE SLIGHTEST has BOMBED when it comes to living up to their promises. All of you have fucked me, in one way or the other."
You first. And you're never on.
No, Kai... sweetie, I AM on... daily... and I told you EXACTLY when is the best time to reach me.
And I gave you my email address, which could be found at the comment posting section right beneath me here.
You know how to get in touch, so don't give me that crap. I would LOVE to talk to you, but you vanish for weeks. Either climb on the boat or go swimming back to shore.
232) June 28, 2009 9:43 PM... Anonymous said... Opinions on Tucker Max? I know he is a tool, but he took some funny stories about getting drunk, turned them into a website, turned the website into a NY times best seller, and is in the process of making a movie out of it. Shows that anyone can make it if they have the drive to do so. Thoughts?
Never heard of him until you just brought him up. Seems like he won the lottery.
I wonder what happens when he runs out of stories?
Me, i was never much of a partier... so I don't have these sort of tales.
And he seems a bit pretentious too.
And what's this "drive" bullshit? He lives in L.A. and someone offered to publish his stories into a book. I don't see any ambition here, in fact, I believe he even admits to just lucking into this.
1'000'000 blogs out there, one of them has got to catch on.
233) June 29, 2009 4:03 AM... Spooner said... Chris, I'm a lowly engineer for a radio station in London and we were covering the big Glastonbury music festival this past weekend. Black Eyed Peas were playing so I had to set up an interview with one of our DJs talking to Will and Fergie. This means setting up equipment and taking levels etc.
Once the interview was over I thought fuck it and asked Will if he'd ever read Hyatte. The answer? Yes! He said you were one "funny muthafucker"!! But here's the best bit..... I was still recording so have got it ON TAPE! (well on PC but you know what I mean)
Will post a link to the audio later in the week but couldnt wait to let you know.
Well that's very cool and exciting and I WILL go off like an asshole if and when you post the link.
But until you do, I'll just sit here and be skeptical. Too many people reading this can not accept the fact that I might have readers who are celebrities and like trying (TRYING) to bring me down. So get the link up, wanker. And then we'll see.
234) June 29, 2009 8:04 AM... Anonymous said... Wow, did you know that Keller is a legit fag and they adopted a baby?? Fuck. MATERIAL.
- From the only person who has a legit photo of you and who you hate right now.
Well, to start, you aren't THAT person... nor anyone else who has my picture.
And I don't hate anyone. Not even you, Gloomie.
Where... where did you hear this? Evidence please.
And even if its true, do you expect a 500 word blog ripping on Keller? Hey asshole, 1998- 2006 called... they want you OUT of their era.
Ugh.
235) June 29, 2009 8:05 AM... Anonymous said... If Will.I.AM or however the fuck you type his name reads this blog then I will eat Hyatte's poop.
Send me your address and, if the wanker does get it online, I will shit in a box and Fed-Ex it to you, and anyone else who wants to eat my poop.
Look at the timestamp. This poster commented one minute after the "One person who has a picture of me and whom I hate right now"... I told you rats from the start, if you're going to try to work me... do NOT comment back to back and THINK THAT I WON'T NOTICE!! I notice EVERYTHING... I remember EVERYTHING!!!
Jesus, some of you are true morons.
And this ends the June blog! Well done, everyone! See you in July!!